Mum's moving to care home tomorrow

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by shark2, Apr 13, 2015.

  1. shark2

    shark2 Registered User

    Aug 22, 2012
    n ireland
    Well that day , that I never thought would arrive has. She's been in hospital since December 30th and I think I'm coming to terms with the fact that she just can't look after herself . she wasn't showering, making food, couldn't use the phone or the telly and was wearing clothes she slept in.

    The home I've chosen is brand new and I've already left a few knick knacks in for her. A doctor spoke to her today and said she was moving on as part of her rehab but she's telling me she's not going ...she's going home. She doesn't know her address but will know her house when she sees it !

    I know its probably for the best but I feel so sad that this is how my mum has become. The home have asked me not to visit for a few days to give her a chance to settle but she looks for me and gets distressed if no one comes to see her

    I feel sick at the thought of it
  2. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    Just a few days and hopefully your icon will change to a smiley one. Take care.
  3. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    Shark, this must be very difficult for you. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. It's just not easy.

    I do think it's challenging to accept how this horrible disease affects people. Even though I have now seen the first hand evidence of how my mother wasn't coping alone at home (we are cleaning out her place and were there working on it again yesterday) it's still awful to consider. I hate the thought that my mother was living on peanut butter and ice cream, because she could no longer cook for herself or even if she'd wanted to. There was old, rancid, spoiled food in all the cupboards and refrigerator (butter that expired years ago). There were multiples of things because she couldn't remember what she had at home and bought it every time she went to the store. The place is filthy dirty, just disgusting in fact. And better not to talk about the laundry situation. Yet she claims she was "fine" at home and managing just fine and cleaned every day and cooked her meals three times a day and doesn't need any help.

    When I feel upset about her being in the care home now, I try to remind myself that she is safe, and she can't get in the car and hurt herself or someone else. After safe, she is clean, has clean clothes and sheets and towels, is fed three nutritious meals a day, has people around to talk to 24 hours a day, activities every day, people to eat meals with, doctors who see her there, and did I mention, she's safe. It's not perfect but it's better than her living in squalor, malnourished and isolated. It is for the best, for my mother, but that doesn't mean I always feel good about it.

    Of course you're feeling sad and upset and probably a lot of other things. It's a lot to take in, on top of the physical problems your mum's had and that long, long hospital stay. You've probably gotten somewhat accustomed to the "routine," as weird as it is, of having her in hospital and I'm sure it's unsettling for you to think about that changing. You won't really know what the new "normal" is for a while. I think that's a lot to be dealing with!

    I don't know what to advise, if anything, about visiting your mother. In my case, it was better that I didn't at first, as my presence only upset her, but my husband was able to see her without agitating her. Others have reported that they do visit and that works well. You have to do what works for you. The staff are there to help. Take care of yourself.
  4. daisydi

    daisydi Registered User

    Feb 25, 2015
    I had to place my mum in a care home in January also and it was heartbreaking but 3 months down the line I must admit that she is happier than I've seen her for years. She has a friend that loves to sing and today they both sang a Vera Lynn song for me and I have come home and purchased the cd to take in for them. I haven't heard my mum sing like that for a long time and it really moved me. She has changed from a smelly and miserable old lady to a well cared for and content lady and it is very heartwarming.
  5. shark2

    shark2 Registered User

    Aug 22, 2012
    n ireland
    Many thanks for your kind replies. I am very hopeful that my mum will settle and be much more contented than she has off late. She has been there a few hours and the manager has phoned to say she's fine. Going to visit her later just to put my mind at rest. As you have said, it's not ideal, but it's better than her sitting alone, unwashed in dirty clothes and miserable. I pray she makes friends and her need and reliance on me declines
  6. Isabella

    Isabella Registered User

    Jan 4, 2014
    I just wanted to share my experience. After a nightmare year of mum living at home, I was finally able to move her to a care home. I was frightened too, that she wouldn't settle etc. It has now been almost a year and I have no regrets. It was absolutely the right thing to do. Mum is clean, fed, safe and best of all, full of lovely smiles when I go to visit. I know everyone;s experience is different but I just wanted to share mine because I know so many people dread this moment but sometimes it can turn out better than you expect. All the best.

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