mums effect on the family

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by pinkprincess, Mar 17, 2016.

  1. Chemmy

    Chemmy Registered User

    Nov 7, 2011
    How dare he.:mad: I am incensed on your behalf. Sorry, but NO-ONE would get away with saying that about my children or grandchildren.

    Take some time out. Give your parents space and maybe in your absence, your dad will reflect on his attitude.

    Just a thought...has he always been like this, or could he be having 'problems' too?
  2. pinkprincess

    pinkprincess Registered User

    Jul 4, 2015
    stoke on trent
    I said i know your stressed too dad but dont be funny with me, he said i cant leave things alone i have to stir, i said but its happened too many times and as mum was going mad and being irrational i didnt want that when the kids got home so i had to tell you to go, he said sarky" yeah ur a gooden arnt you" i said you need to speak to someone because you need to see its not right to expose kids to that and i also said what some1 on here said that i cant make allowances for her behaviour around the children, he just scoffed at me and said that now theyv got to go into town to pay a bill as i didnt help earlier!
  3. pinkprincess

    pinkprincess Registered User

    Jul 4, 2015
    stoke on trent
    dads mental capacity is fine. No hes always been strict but was always fair before , when it comes to my mum he will defend her right or wrong though. He adores his granddchildren but he is a bit old school where he doesnt think things like this can upset a child he thinks theyr "tough" and that im wrapping them up in cotton wool and stirring trouble . He said i do it every birthday/christmas and now easter :( i wouldnt be posting on here if it was mild enough as i could cover it up from the kids but i am going to have to keep them completely away i think.
    The thing is she has apologised before and i always give more chances but its too much now its happening too often.
  4. Pear trees

    Pear trees Registered User

    Jan 25, 2015
    You must put your children first, they are your top priority! If your father needs help at home you should look at carers. I am afraid you have to stop letting them visit so often, and stand up to your dad when he will not intervene. Would he let her go to daycare or lunchclubs to give her other interests?
    No child should have to think their nana does not love them. My own daughter grew up frightened of visiting my mum because of her spiteful tongue and that was long before she was diagnosed. She is 34 now and will not visit, along with all of her cousins.
  5. pinkprincess

    pinkprincess Registered User

    Jul 4, 2015
    stoke on trent
    Thanku for ur reply chemmy, it gives me the back up to realise im not being unreasonable myself xx the boys are very happy with me we cant always have the outcome we want as long as theyr okay thats my priority, its dad he puts me in a hard position by being against me and it goes round in a circle... she says sorry ....i forgive....she does it says im wrong ....
  6. pinkprincess

    pinkprincess Registered User

    Jul 4, 2015
    stoke on trent
    So they do remember dont they kids do. She refuses to do any activities with the groups, but she moans shes in the house all the time her friends come round but she wont make effort with them first, she isnt at the stage of needing care you see its other things such as she cant drive now and everyday things confuse her , she has trouble reading words and dealing with bills etc and organisation. She makes dad run her around even though hes not well and she goes bloody clothes shopping buying things she wont wear and has got 16 coats i counted the other day :/
  7. keegan2

    keegan2 Registered User

    Jan 11, 2015
    I have a 8 year old son and my other half who has alzheimers is a good as gold with him however with my nephew who comes around everyday and is 10, they are like cat and dog. He is a sweet cheeky little thing and is always trying to make his uncle smile who gets annoyed with him and tries to push him away. He loves him too and enjoys cuddles with him however as I can see something is not quite right as they clash I make sure they are not left alone or sit next to each other. However if I thought for one minute he would verbally abuse him or harm I would not allow them contact and would not be upset with my sister if she did not come over as much as I would miss them. Our children are to precious and we all know what happens in our lives as youngsters effects our future and if you continue to allow your son to be treated different you will reap the effects of it in later life.......your mother may be ill but you are not nor is your father and you can make the right decisions and if your dad does not or will not for whatever reason(maybe fear that you will stop coming over) then you will have to make arrangements to visit without your children even if that means helping less...
  8. Owly

    Owly Registered User

    Jun 6, 2011
    Children may "seem" to forget things they're exposed to, but it all sinks into their subconscious. Hearing insults and rage thrown at them will damage them in ways that can't be foreseen.

    Regarding "going into town to pay the bills", it would help Dad a lot if he were to make the phone calls to the utilities (gas, electric, etc) to ask to set up a direct debit. This is one of the first things we did when my Mum started her dementia. That way, a bill can never be missed, and also you don't have to do a journey just to get it paid. You just have to keep an eye on the bank balance, so hopefully your Dad is able to do that.

    Does your Mum have any of her own savings? If so, then it would be a good idea for Dad to sort out Power of Attorney, before it's too late for Mum to agree to it 'in her right mind'.

    However, today is not the best day to broach that subject. Leave it for another time but keep it in mind.
  9. rhubarbtree

    rhubarbtree Registered User

    Jan 7, 2015
    North West
    My grandson is five and I can see that my OH finds his behaviour difficult. What behaviour? Being a lively five year old that's all. In my experience people with dementia become self centred and children are often self centred so its a volatile mix. However, I am still very much a mother and I would never have allowed anyone to talk about my children as you have described. And you have a new born baby - you deserve some peace and quiet.

    From what you have said it sounds as though your mother does need support. The Alzheimer's cafe might be good place for them both to start to acknowledge their need. She should apply for attendance allowance, which I presume she would get, the award of this should show them both there is a problem which needs addressing.

    If you can, you should try to step back from their everyday activities, stop worrying about what she buys etc. and as many have said already on this thread only see them without the children. Maintain contact through you, passing messages back and forth. Get the children to make them Easter cards and thank you notes for the eggs.
  10. pinkprincess

    pinkprincess Registered User

    Jul 4, 2015
    stoke on trent
    Thankyou owly! :) everyones very helpful i feel less alone now as silly as that sounds! I have offered to do direct debit for there bills but dad thinks you have to go to the bank to sort that and wont have it that you just ring up the relevant companies :/

    i have previously mentioned power of attorney but dad thought i was after getting my hands on their money so i darnt mention that again! goodness me id rather have my parents well and here than have their money money means nothing to me, i do think dad has me wrong sometimes
  11. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    While I agree that it's not your Mum's fault how she behaves, I don't agree with your Dad's ignoring tactic, and yes, some kids are too young to be exposed to it. I'm giving you two links, one is about explaining dementia to children and the other is about compassionate communication. It might not work but try putting some effort in distracting your Mum to nicer topics?

    Good luck.
  12. its a struggle

    its a struggle Registered User

    No improvement since July last year?

    Quote from July 2015 post "not sure of what to do or what im dealing with :/
    Hi im 30 and ever since I can remember my mum has been a very negative person, flies off the handle very easily,has always been a bit neurotic, has had to also deal with a lot of stress all her married life as dad has always had ill health.
    I noticed her behaviour was getting more hostile argumentative and her memory loss and jumbling her words up in the past 4 years its become a lot lot worse.
    im being kept in the dark but from what I understand my dad and some relatives have taken her to hospital for an initial appointment and now they are waiting on a home visit, I don't know what this means or would indicate.
    im so confused as I know the memory loss etc is most probably down to a medical problem, but im not sure about the nastiness as she isn't nasty to her friends just me, my dad, my boyfriend and one of my sons.
    my main concern is for my son theyr both four (twins) since they were born she has favoured only one of them and now constantly rants shouts and has it in for one of them, luckily he doesn't seem bothered. she accuses him of lying calls him evil, constantly screams at him that he will hav no friends at school, really ott stuff, and has even pulled him back to tell his brother to hit him and its everytime we hav contact with her.
    iv told my dad it would be best not to see her , he says I should ignore it b coz it is my mum and I should not stop her seeing the kids.
    its strange and I find it hard to believe the nastiness etc is medical as when my dad tells her off she does stop it for a week or so then goes back to doing it again, surely if it was her problem causing this my dad telling her off wudnt stop it, im angry at her so angry"

    Dear pinkprincess so sorry to read in today's post that things are not getting any better for you and your boys. I thought you had posted similar problems before.

    I am concerned that your son is suffering what might be considered abuse from you poor mother. Please take the excellent advice that you have been offered on both threads for your own and your child's wellbeing.
  13. notsogooddtr

    notsogooddtr Registered User

    Jul 2, 2011
    Your Dad is wrong and your mother's behaviour is abusive and damaging.Keep your mother away from your little boy,no if's,no buts.
  14. jasmineflower

    jasmineflower Registered User

    Aug 27, 2012
    Hi Pinkprincess,

    I agree with all the other people that say this is unacceptable behaviour towards your children. I don't think you're ever going to win this battle so I think you should step back from the situation and consider what support you can offer your parents without subjecting your children to this abuse, then just provide that help and push the guilt monster off your shoulder.

    I know it's difficult to step back when you are obviously a caring and compassionate daughter, but it may force them to accept outside help rather than use (abuse) you.

    I recognise the situation you find yourself in: my MIL would fly into terrible and irrational rages against my poor SIL (who was trying to help). Rather than help diffuse the situation, my FIL would support his wife. I never knew if it was for an easy life or whether he enjoyed causing havoc, being an awkward person himself.

    My niece and nephew were a little older but witnessing this behaviour did affect them and they no longer want anything to do with their grandparents.

    Unfortunately, your parents will probably resist all help until the crisis occurs and then they will find other people end up taking control, rather than the damage limitation that you have tried to put in place to maintain their independence. My MIL's GP warned my husband that and he was proved right!

    Your children are small for such a short time so please don't let your parents spoil this precious time with them.
  15. tatty

    tatty Registered User

    Oct 14, 2015
    Hi so sorry you are having a bad time ... it sound like a safeguarding issue for yurr child fom your mum in her ill state, its is hard as an adult not to take things personally let alone a child, also I would be concerned about resentment between the twins especially if your other twin is praised or favouraably compared

    Unfortunately I think your dad needs your aupport and company so doesn't want to admit your mum is out of control and is having such a detrimental effect on your young child as well as the wider family and likely him too.

    Help wise,I know it is easier said than done but could you be busy with your baby, or car not working when they want assistance (as long as your parents are safe) and your dad at least may realsie he needs additional help, Soc Services may need a call but obviously they can refuse help...

    So sorry can't be of more help.
  16. pinkprincess

    pinkprincess Registered User

    Jul 4, 2015
    stoke on trent
    An update of the situation need your help guys :(

    well currently Dad is back in hospital and mum is in a health spa with her friend on the day dad is meant to be being discharged :/
    Mum is getting worse , now her friends are involved in her business and 1 of them went to the bank with her as she wanted help sorting a bank swap( even though i said i could go mum said her friend knew more about swapping accounts :/) . Iv tried asking the ftiend how they got on and the friend just says "fine"
    2 week ago she threw a hissy fit because i suggested i do her onlineshopping or she giv me a list rather than having to take her down with twins and a 12 week old, she threw her boots accross floor and screamed at me to go home so i said mum why dont u choose a day evryweek and i will come straight after school run in morning, ( i liv 20 mile away)
    She said dont bother i dnt want you im getting a carer that will take me shopping,
    Since then dad went back into hospital iv found out she got him to take her to the hairdressers when hes not well enough, run her about,
    Iv rang every other day to see if she needs anything and shes said shes been fine, yesterday she said im not her daughter anymore and that i dont care and big deal i have a baby to look after iv got plenty of time , shes playing on it as shes absolutely fine with her friends , im at a loss i offer help its refused , then i get told im an awful daughter ??????
  17. pinkprincess

    pinkprincess Registered User

    Jul 4, 2015
    stoke on trent
    Bearing in mind she isnt at a bad stage of her alzheimers as most people arnt aware their is a problem so this behaviour with me and dad at times is odd x
  18. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    I agree with everyone about keeping your little boys away from her. Something is upsetting her about them if she is ok with her friends - there is no telling with Alzheimer's what the trigger might be but the children are too young to even begin to explain it to them or expect them to understand and you want them to have good memories of her not bad

    To be honest I don't think it is right to say to your Dad or your Mum that she has to go into a home. That isn't really your decision and it makes people very upset when they think that is the next stage - it is even possible that she thinks that is what you are trying to do and that is why she is being aggressive. Fear makes people aggressive even without Alzheimer's. She sounds far from a home at the moment according to your posts, sounds as though she is managing reasonably well most of the time with some blips and some help, but it is tough for you having both parents with illness issues

    Perhaps she is more comfortable having her friend help her sort things out - it is better for her to be with people she is comfortable with because any stress will just trigger another outburst. There is just no telling with some types of Alzheimer's what it is that causes the outburst but you know for sure that the presence of the children causes issues for all of you so don't put them or yourself in that situation. You might just have to manage it from a distance for the time being.
  19. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    I am so sorry that you are going through all this! Whilst your mother might* not be able to help her behaviour, that is no help to your son. He is far too young to deal with this and your prime concern must be to protect him (and your other children).I really think he should be kept away from your mother while there is even a slight chance of him being exposed to her nastiness.

    * If her dementia is early and she is OK with her friends, it does seem as if she can control it to some degree. PWD often go into 'host/hostess' mode when they put on a good show for people outside their close circle but no-one really knows how conscious this behaviour is.

    It really seems that both parents have got into the habit of taking you for granted, this type of dynamic often goes back a very long way :mad:
  20. pinkprincess

    pinkprincess Registered User

    Jul 4, 2015
    stoke on trent
    Thanku xx

    Thank you both for your replies , what does pwd mean?? Im so angry i rang her and tried to be normal i asked uf she was aware dad was coming home today she said yes in 2 hrs, i said your friend didnt txt me back when i told her yesterday she said " we were busy in the spa!" I suspect shes made me out to be awful to her friends! :/
    I asked if she wanted anything or anything from the shop and she barked " what shop!" This is a regular thing il ask something normal and she will bark at me as if she doesnt know what im talking about its irritating and im not being harsh about this illness but i really think she is that vindictive that she puts it on around me as like i said before shes perfectly fine with her attitude to her friends :(
    Iv just rang up and dad answered hes home i askd if i cud visit and in the background she was nastily saying were busy !
    I really dont knw what to do, dad said he will ring me later, im not being unsypathetic but in her case i really think shes plays on this illness and picks and chooses( shes obviously does get confused) she lies all the time but is sneaky enough to cover herself with dad :/ shes dragging him to the bank again tommorrow hes only just home im so fed up but the more i try and help the more i get stick .
    Im at a loss im so so upset , ther she was all over facebook happy as larry at this spa!

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