mums effect on the family

[pinkprincess]

My mum was diagnosed roughly 6 months ago, shes 68 shed okay in her day to day living and caring forherself and goes shopping etc so isnt at the stage of needing a full time carer on the outset she appears fine.
She has always been a negative and opinionated person this has got worse. she has rages and mood swings at only me my dad and 1 of my twins. I can ignore it but my little boy whos 5 is going to be affected.
Basically she is always laying into him has uncontrollable outbursts accuses him of being a liar screams n shouts at him wenever she visits , its getting to severe and he doesnt like her anymore .
The problem is my dad we have fallen out agsin today because i said she will have to go home if she cant be right with my son.dad says i should ignore it and that my son is tough , he says im very wrong to tell them to leave and theyv now gone she stormed out and he blames me.
Now am i going completely nuts here or am i in the right for protecting my son?! Dad says u know her condition u shud ignore. I said i can but my son cant ( the twins are only 5) how can i get my dad to realise without keep falling out with them both as i want to support them as dad is poorly with lung disease but they wont speak to me for weeks now
Also mum isnt nasty or aggresive with her friends or other people so y cant she control it i think she plays on it. She literally goes beserk and has also done it infront of the kids before screaming saying my child needs slapping over the top behaviour which is very upsetting . What does every1 think n how can i get my dad to see my point about the kids? Xx thx for reading

 

[pinkprincess]

Apologies for the appauling english im in a rush today! :/

 

[lin1]

Please don't worry .

You are right to protect your young son.
Unfortunately your mum may not be able to moderate her behaviour, it is the disease.
However that doesn't mean your young son should be subjected to such outbursts, and I am sorry your Dad cannot see that it is not right, however it is probably all the stress he must be under.

Have you noticed anything that triggers these outburst.

 

[ellejay]

I'm sorry you are going through this.
My thoughts are that your children come first. Your 5yr old is of course too young to ignore her outbursts, he can't understand it's your mums illness that's making her like this.

Your dad is under stress, of course, but I would speak to him again & insist they leave if your mum starts being nasty to your boy.

Do you visit them at all? because then you can always leave to go home when things turn nasty.

Your mum is ill, yes, but that doesn't make her behaviour acceptable.

Take care

Lin x

 

[pinkprincess]

Hi lin thx for ur reply, he has always been the less favoured twin , he is a bit cheekier than the other twin but doesnt deserve what she does, i had to tell her to go today because i knew theyrd b trouble when they come home from school she stood up and was shouting i have a newborn baby too i asked her to stop she carried on ranting that my son is a liar just like his dad that she doesnt want anything to do with him and will ignore him when he comes home from school that he needs thrashing and that i stick up for him.
Dad just sat there and told me i shouldnt be telling her to go home and we should ignore her ! :/

 

[pinkprincess]

Hi elliejay yes i visit them but i hav had to leav b4 when she starts , dad shakes his head at me for leaving and is sarky and says well arnt you wonderful! Hes being very unfair to me... i hav a newborn baby i ring them everyday to see if they need anything i go half an hour drive to sumtimes just take them bread and milk i cook for them i dont want thanks for it but im treated like im a bad daughter, mum came to stay with me for 3 weeks after my son was born as dad was in hospital and she caused a massive row then,
they just wont help themselves iv offered to order online shopping for them but theyr too stubborn but then i have to go and sort them out when theyve got short theyr making everything harder,;iv offered to sort out ther bills by direct debit but mum disagreed with that im very frustrated x

 

[Spamar]

Hi, your children are your first priority. That's it. Unless you can visit her without the children, I can't see any way forward. Hopefully this is a transient thing and will improve.

 

[ellejay]

Well I don't agree with your dad. He may wish to put up with the abuse for himself, but has no right to decide for you or your son.

How would he react if your mum did lash out at your boy?

I know things are never cut & dried with Dementia, but I would still insist your mums behaviour doesn't impact on your son.

Lin x

 

[pinkprincess]

Dad also keeps saying my sons are hard faced and it wont bother them, he already cries and says nanna doesnt like him , when i told mum this she said bloody mard **** he needs a good smack the lying little **** ,;iys hopeless i dont want to abandone my parents but its just too much especially as dad isnt realising himself x

 

[pinkprincess]

Hi, your children are your first priority. That's it. Unless you can visit her without the children, I can't see any way forward. Hopefully this is a transient thing and will improve.

Thx spamar ur right i know you are :/ dad should know better than to bring her here like that why doesnt he sort it so they can leave b4 the kids come home , he carries on as normal suggesting sunday dinner out when he knows she vile to my son, when i refuse he says im not nice that shes my mum and whatever she does i must except :/

 

[Owly]

I agree with all the others, your children must be protected from the verbal (and maybe later on physical) onslaughts from your Mum. Your Dad is being unfair expecting you and your children to accept being a whipping post for your Mum's behaviour. It is bad enough to hear it when you are adult, but for children to be exposed to that kind of rage is to damage their delicate psyches.

I wonder if social services have been involved at all? It seems your parents do need extra help, but because of your need to protect the little ones, you are not the best person to give this help. Your Dad may need to realise that other people will have to become involved. It may help if your Mum could go out to day care. You may need to let your parents run out of food and say you can't help right now, before your Dad will let you organise some online shopping from a supermarket for them.

Sometimes things only get better once a crisis (small or large) has happened. Then people do realise that there are boundaries to what you/family can do.

Please don't feel guilty.

 

[Pegsdaughter]

First and foremost your children are your priority they need your love and protection. I suggest you don't visit your parents for a bit. If you can , explain to your dad why you are doing this. It will be hard but many years ago my dad had to tell my lovely grandad that in no circumstances were my brother and I to go in his car as it was a death trap.


Sent from my iPad using Talking Point

 

[pinkprincess]

In reply to your comment lin , my dads policy is ignore , whatever she does/says , she accused my son of slapping her round the face the other night ?! my son told me she wouldnt let him put his glasses on the side for bed as i heard her calling him a mardy ****, she has grabbed them before and pulled them nastily so she cant be trusted x

 

[pinkprincess]

Thankyou owly yes social services did an assesment on my parents and because they are not on benefits they are not entitled to or supposedly dont require any extra care, dad can hardly walk and is always in and out of hospital but she makes him take her shopping shes very selfish but it all gets blamed on the illness , maybe im being unreasonable ???? Its so hard isnt it x

 

[Chemmy]

Goodness me, this is a dreadful situation and I agree with the others. - your children are your absolute priority, no ifs no buts, particularly at such a young age.

Your house - your rules. Until your dad can be civil and recognises the impact this is having on your children, I would tell them neither he or your mum can come round.

You can then offer to visit them without the children, but I can imagine that will be thrown back in your face. In that case, tough. They will be the ones that lose out.

There are times when allowances need to made for dementia, but this isn't one of them.

Let us know how you get on.

 

[pinkprincess]

Goodness me, this is a dreadful situation and I agree with the others. - your children are your absolute priority, no ifs no buts, particularly at such a young age.

Your house - your rules. Until your dad can be civil and recognises the impact this is having on your children, I would tell them neither he or your mum can come round.

You can then offer to visit them without the children, but I can imagine that will be thrown back in your face. In that case, tough. They will be the ones that lose out.

There are times when allowances need to made for dementia, but this isn't one of them.

Let us know how you get on.

Thankyou chemmy , i rang the a.s helpline and tbh i didnt find her very helpful she just kept saying your dad is sensible in saying you must ignore her behaviour as its out of her control. What i dont understand is shes perfectly fine with her friends and alot of people dont even know she has alzheimers as on the surface she appears fine albeit slightly forgetful and has trouble understanding things such as bank letters and muddling words up .

 

[cragmaid]

Hi PP, Has your Mum had a Local Authority Assessment, or your Dad had a Carer's assessment?
If not then they need to get in touch with the Local Adult Social Care Dept.

Meanwhile, you and your little ones need protecting from your Mother. You need to back off from them. She may not be able to control herself, but there seems to be no reason, other than stress, for your Dad reacting as he has. I suggest that you cut down the visits to them, especially with the twins. If you can't pop in during an evening, ask Dad to call around to you to collect important shopping, but if it is just normal groceries, is there a reason why he cannot go shopping himself?
Your children must be your first priority and if this means that you fall out with Mum and Dad for now, then, sadly, this is what is going to happen. I spent neck end of 10 years caring for my Mum. My husband and I didn't have as much as a night away for over 4 years. My social life ceased to exist. Don't let this happen to you.

 

[pinkprincess]

Hi PP, Has your Mum had a Local Authority Assessment, or your Dad had a Carer's assessment?
If not then they need to get in touch with the Local Adult Social Care Dept.

Meanwhile, you and your little ones need protecting from your Mother. You need to back off from them. She may not be able to control herself, but there seems to be no reason, other than stress, for your Dad reacting as he has. I suggest that you cut down the visits to them, especially with the twins. If you can't pop in during an evening, ask Dad to call around to you to collect important shopping, but if it is just normal groceries, is there a reason why he cannot go shopping himself?
Your children must be your first priority and if this means that you fall out with Mum and Dad for now, then, sadly, this is what is going to happen. I spent neck end of 10 years caring for my Mum. My husband and I didn't have as much as a night away for over 4 years. My social life ceased to exist. Don't let this happen to you.

Thanku maureen, yes il get onto them thanks for the info. As regards my dad hes very poorly with lung disease and cant walk very far which i why i try and help as much as possible x

 

[Chemmy]

Thankyou chemmy , i rang the a.s helpline and tbh i didnt find her very helpful she just kept saying your dad is sensible in saying you must ignore her behaviour as its out of her control. What i dont understand is shes perfectly fine with her friends and alot of people dont even know she has alzheimers as on the surface she appears fine albeit slightly forgetful and has trouble understanding things such as bank letters and muddling words up .

Your mum's symptoms aren't uncommon, and yes, adults or older children should make allowances. But a five year old? No way. I really don't think you can compromise on this.

Actually your Dad's attitude towards your son worries me too. He has no excuse.

 

[pinkprincess]

I cant believe how i get treated! I have just rang my dad he snapped at me what do U want! I explained in the way many of you have said that id still like to help but the boys cant be around that, he said i do it on purpose i dig and dig and i should just leave it and it wud blow over, he said we should understand her condition and i want my own way as usual, he said he will not be visiting me again without mum as he will not go against her,
I said i dont want you to go against her! I said WE can understand but 5 yrs olds cant, he said theyr mardy children and besides kids forget things anyway so it wont bother them, he said why would she buy them both easter eggs if she didnt like 1 of them! I said its not about buying things! He just said yeah yeah bye! And mum was ranting in the background, i didnt lose my rag and he still didnt listen i said i dont want to fall out, he said yeah yeah see ya when i see ya . Maybe its time i gave up x