Last week I posted for the first time saying that after 5 months in hospital my mum was going into a Care/Nursing Home on Monday. On Monday she was moved into the Home, which is light and bright with attentive, caring staff. She has a lovely room overlooking the gardens and her own en suite bathroom and we had already taken in a lot of her personal things, clothes and photos etc to make it nice for her. Me and my husband spent the afternoon at the Home with her on Monday and were delighted that she seemed cheerful and relaxed and virtually unaware that she had left the hospital. She liked her room and we were able to get her to actually sit for half an hour and listen to some music before she was compelled to get up and wander (a significant symptom of her dementia). I left work early on Tuesday afternoon and spent a couple of hours with her - again she was cheerful, clean and well dressed and seemed quite happy. We talked about how we were going to take her out for the afternoon on Saturday to have a look around the shops etc which she said would be lovely and she only got a little upset when it was time for me to go. So, for the first time in over 5 months, I relaxed a little and felt better about Mum. Because I felt that she was coping ok I didn't go in to see her Wednesday - I did call and they said she was absolutely fine - but felt huge guilt at not having visited her. Yesterday I went to see her after I finished work. I arrived just as they were finishing dinner and mum was tucking in to a huge bowl of trifle. She was thrilled to see me and not at all upset, she was also dressed really nicely (something the hospital staff never had time to do) and it was obvious that, as requested ,she had had her hair done the previous day. She chatted happily about how she had been to a wedding that morning, seen several of her friends and about the non-existent lovely black cat sitting on the chair (many of her hallucinations involve animals). The only 'blip' was that she whispered to me that she had wet the bed at night and it was really worrying her. I didn't take too much notice as she had quite frequently told me she had wet the bed during her time in hospital and always when I checked with the nurses they assured me she hadn't. Anyway after she had finished eating we had a wander around, went back to her room and I helped her clean her dentures (as she said she had food stuck in them) and then I took her out for a cigarette. On the way out I managed a subtle word with one of the care assistants and asked if mum had wet the bed - I was shocked to hear that yes she had and in fact it had happened twice the night before. On returning from having a ciggie we went back to mum's room, she sat in her chair and I put on a CD to listen to. When I turned back to her she was silently crying and I asked her what was wrong - all of a sudden my mum was 'back'. She told me she didn't want to stay there, she was frightened and lonely, she wanted to be with me/us at home (she lived with us prior to being admitted into hospital). She promised me if she could come home she would stay out of the way if we had friends round (how heartbreaking is that?) and that she couldn't be kept there against her will and she begged me to take her home. She said at least at night she could call out and know I would answer and she wouldn't feel so alone and frightened. I was completely floored - not once during her time in hospital had she asked to come home, not once during the last 5 months had she had such a sustained period of clarity and lucidity. Feeling a total monster, I reassured her that once she was better she would be coming home and then suggested we went out and sat in one of the lounges. I sat mum next to one of the care assistants and mouthed to her that mum was upset. The assistant asked mum how she was doing and mum switched to being perfectly cheerful and answered that she was absolutely fine. Shortly after I left and cried all the way home. Mum has ongoing severe problems with her bladder and is also subject to frequent urine infections,which means her fluid intake and urine output have to be monitored very closely, and if she deteriorates and goes into bladder retention (as happened during her time in hospital, she goes from seemingly completely 'well' to seriously ill in a matter of hours), in addition she has swollen, ulcerated legs which need re-bandaging at least once a day. These physical problems combined with her dementia are severe enough that she has NHS continuance of care funding for at least the first month at the Home and everyone from CPN, to nursing staff to SW have told me it would be ridiculous, given the level of care she needs to even contemplate having her home and logically I know this is true. My head tells me this is a transition period and she will settle - but why after all this time has she had such a period of lucidity? How do I deal with the heartbreak of her begging me to take her home? I am terrified that she will continue to beg me to come home and even more terrified that the guilt and heartbreak will compel me to have her back home. Please tell me this has happened to others - I'm sure it has, but at the moment, I feel like the only person in the world who is so awful as to have put my mum, against her will, into a Home.