Mums' dementia

[janetyvonne53]

My husband and I have lived with mum in her house since dad passed 4 years ago. She was diagnosed with vascular dementia in February 2014. She hates my husband and dotes on my brother who doesn't do a thing for her, other than buy her gifts at Christmas and birthdays and takes her out for the occasional meal. He has always been her No.1 which doesn't bother me but she said today she would sooner live on her own (which she wouldn't be able to do).
I am finding her nastiness increasingly difficult to deal with and I feel like going home to our flat ( which we've rented out). My brother also bought her a dog which I really love but of course it's me that looks after him. My brother never puts his hand in his pocket to help with any costs within the house or vets bills. I have fallen out with my brother over this and today I have felt deflated more than I ever have. I am usually happy go lucky and upbeat.
I am glad I have found this forum to vent my feelings as it's all I seem to talk about woth my husband and friends and I'm sure they must be fed up with me. It's so much harder than i thought it would be.

Jan

 

[HillyBilly]

Hi Jan.
Welcome to TP. You've certainly found the right place to vent and rant and seek support. Dementia can take over your life, we all know that too well.
There are many on here in a similar situation to yours, with a golden boy (or girl) in the family who can get away with murder so to speak but isn't the one who has to bear the brunt of the everyday stuff and nastiness.
Do you have any outside help at all or a day care centre that your Mum can go to to give you a break?
Dogs are such great companions. What sort is yours? (I prefer dogs to people lol).

 

[Margi29]

Hi Jan.
Welcome to TP. You've certainly found the right place to vent and rant and seek support. Dementia can take over your life, we all know that too well.
There are many on here in a similar situation to yours, with a golden boy (or girl) in the family who can get away with murder so to speak but isn't the one who has to bear the brunt of the everyday stuff and nastiness.
Do you have any outside help at all or a day care centre that your Mum can go to to give you a break?
Dogs are such great companions. What sort is yours? (I prefer dogs to people lol).

Hi HillyBilly

Your post made me smile, I have a sticker on my car, it says " the more people I meet, the more I like my dog "

 

[Margi29]

Hi Jan

You have come to right place, I come on here to rant often.

So I don't bore my friends and family to death with all that goes on !!

Often I have found my brother as much use as a chocolate teapot !! If you get chance to read thread, Can I , should I ??? .it may give you an insight into the world of not helpful relatives.

Awful disease, you have my sympathy.

 

[Tin]

When my mum first moved in with me, I spent a whole year listening to her obsessing about my brother, always been her favourite. not so bad these days as her dementia has progressed, but he still comes in to conversations that she has with her dog! Unlike you, my brother does visit regularly, but at first I think he was completely embarrassed by her actions and of course I was giving him regular reports about how bad her obsession with him was, again more embarrassment for him, but I felt he needed to know just how she was when he was not here.

When I made the decision to become my mum's carer I never expected at any time for her to be thankful, grateful or even cuddle and kiss me - we are not that kind of family - but the whole Dementia thing knocked me for six and I found myself resenting having my mum with me. All fine now though, no more resentment, just tiredness and a need to escape into my bedroom every now and then, or get out my laptop.

Have you sorted attendance allowance for your mother and carers allowance for yourself? Any extra money entitlement goes a long way to helping with expenses.

 

[Hippichic]

Hi Jan, I am in a similar situation as you, without the brother and dog. We had to go through a lot of nastiness at first, but when mum was diagnosed I found it easier to understand her behaviour and then to deal with it. I have also learned how to cope with the endless arguments about nothing (I try not to go there or change the subject or just let her go on and say nothing) I used to try to correct her, but that is not a good idea. I try to be kind to her and my partner is very kind to her but she just likes to find fault with him.

It has been a steep learning curve, we have both been to the courses at AS (mother and me) which proved to be only positive. Meeting others who care for their parents and spouses makes you feel like you are not alone and they are always so supportive. Are there any support groups in your area, it is worth trying to attend a few meetings.

My strategy has been to keep my mum as busy as possible, she goes out at least four days a week to exercise classes, lunch clubs and AS cafes. She has to use Dial a ride or other forms of assistance to get there, friends, my partner or me etc. At weekends I take her out for lunch, shopping and walks.

But often just when I think things are going well we get an outburst for some unknown reason. She takes offence at something and then she wants to live on her own, which she can’t. I usually just listen to her and try to remember that she will soon forget it (hopefully) and get back to our usual routine.

I still can’t go out whenever I want, or go away for a weekend or just go off somewhere. I have accepted this is not possible but have made the best of things.

Also I do go mad sometimes and explode, but I can forgive myself for that occassionally as I am a mere mortal.

The forums here are helpful, reading how others deal with all the agonising difficulties presented to them and us also makes me feel less alone.

I never expected it to be easy, but I really didn’t expect it to be quite so hard. The good thing is that I have met a lot of very nice people through having to look after my mum, at AS and all the other places I have taken her to, to keep her entertained, occupied and looked after.

I hope you can find some positive experiences along the way.
Best wishes

Trudy

 

[Chinoise]

Hi Jan, I am in a similar situation as you, without the brother and dog. We had to go through a lot of nastiness at first, but when mum was diagnosed I found it easier to understand her behaviour and then to deal with it. I have also learned how to cope with the endless arguments about nothing (I try not to go there or change the subject or just let her go on and say nothing) I used to try to correct her, but that is not a good idea. I try to be kind to her and my partner is very kind to her but she just likes to find fault with him.

It has been a steep learning curve, we have both been to the courses at AS (mother and me) which proved to be only positive. Meeting others who care for their parents and spouses makes you feel like you are not alone and they are always so supportive. Are there any support groups in your area, it is worth trying to attend a few meetings.

My strategy has been to keep my mum as busy as possible, she goes out at least four days a week to exercise classes, lunch clubs and AS cafes. She has to use Dial a ride or other forms of assistance to get there, friends, my partner or me etc. At weekends I take her out for lunch, shopping and walks.

But often just when I think things are going well we get an outburst for some unknown reason. She takes offence at something and then she wants to live on her own, which she can’t. I usually just listen to her and try to remember that she will soon forget it (hopefully) and get back to our usual routine.

I still can’t go out whenever I want, or go away for a weekend or just go off somewhere. I have accepted this is not possible but have made the best of things.

Also I do go mad sometimes and explode, but I can forgive myself for that occassionally as I am a mere mortal.

The forums here are helpful, reading how others deal with all the agonising difficulties presented to them and us also makes me feel less alone.

I never expected it to be easy, but I really didn’t expect it to be quite so hard. The good thing is that I have met a lot of very nice people through having to look after my mum, at AS and all the other places I have taken her to, to keep her entertained, occupied and looked after.

I hope you can find some positive experiences along the way.
Best wishes

Trudy

Trudy your response is really nice. I just registered this evening when I just needed to tell someone what happened. And I'm so glad I did. There are so many of us of you all doing the same thing. Caring. And I agree, it's harder than I imagined. My step-dad has had Alzheimers for many years but my mum was only diagnosed in October 16 and our closer relationship is having a totally different effect on me.

Thank you for sharing, ( I really want her to use Dial A Ride - your post resonated with me in many ways)
L

 

[janetyvonne53]

Thank you

 

[janetyvonne53]

Hi Jan.
Welcome to TP. You've certainly found the right place to vent and rant and seek support. Dementia can take over your life, we all know that too well.
There are many on here in a similar situation to yours, with a golden boy (or girl) in the family who can get away with murder so to speak but isn't the one who has to bear the brunt of the everyday stuff and nastiness.
Do you have any outside help at all or a day care centre that your Mum can go to to give you a break?
Dogs are such great companions. What sort is yours? (I prefer dogs to people lol).

Hi HillyBilly,

Yes I prefer dogs to people lol! He is a golden cocker spaniel and is very special. He is more my dog than mums' as I do everything for him and give him lots of cuddles (something I can't bring myself to do with mum) and he even asks for them lol!

Mum won't go to daycare and i don't want to force her. I myself, go to a carers' support coffee afternoon once a month and that really helps me. My husband is wonderful at trying to make mum laugh even though she thinks he's 'stupid'! He has to put up with an awful lot.

I think the biggest problem my husband and I have is how long this will go on for as unfortunately, mums' life is pointless I'm not getting any younger myself and although my husband is younger than me, our time together has been put on hold.

Jan.

 

[janetyvonne53]

Hi Tin.

I have everything in place thank you.

When we moved in with mum, we did so simply because she had been so reliant on dad, that it made her extremely vulnerable once he'd passed. Although dad told me she was becoming very forgetful, we had no idea she had dementia until we lived with her and she was diagnosed in February 2014. I think dad hid her illness for some time even though he was so ill himself.

I am kind to mum and reply to her questions, no matter how many times she asks me the same thing.

She is beginning to wet herself a little now but I feel this is because she leaves it too long to relieve herself so I wash her knicjers discreetly and haven't mentioned to her, her slight incontinence.

It certainly is all a learning curve and I know we will see it through to her passing but it's good to have this forum for support. Thank you.

Jan

 

[janetyvonne53]

Hi HillyBilly

Your post made me smile, I have a sticker on my car, it says " the more people I meet, the more I like my dog "

Hahaha! So true!

 

[janetyvonne53]

Hi Jan

You have come to right place, I come on here to rant often.

So I don't bore my friends and family to death with all that goes on !!

Often I have found my brother as much use as a chocolate teapot !! If you get chance to read thread, Can I , should I ??? .it may give you an insight into the world of not helpful relatives.

Awful disease, you have my sympathy.

Thank you Margi29.

It really helps that others empathise with you and we're not alone.

Jan.