Any advice appreciated....

CPN visited mum this week and we have since spoken at length that biggest concern for mum just now is her sinking into depression (well known for mum even pre-dementia days ).....

Mum's best friend of nearly 40 years (more like sisters) has maybe a matter of weeks to live ...... not so long ago mum was grumbling that said friend didn't visit so often and I explained as best I could that the chemotherapy her friend was having would be making her ill - mum had absolutely no concept of her friend's situation ('But, why isn't she visiting me when I've got all these aches and pains too?'.... )

Suddenly now, mum has absolute awareness of the prognosis .... concerned, weepy etc ..... (understandably) heading towards devastated ......

CPN and I discussed this is a phase of 'damage limitation' (for mum). With the friend's family's 'consent' I am taking mum to visit her friend in hospital tomorrow (friend's daughter said HER mum is only concerned for MINE! and despite all our concerns, we each know how much the other mother thinks of each other) .... on balance the 'gamble' is that it will do them both good to see each other however they each present) .... That's tomorrow kinda planned....

My mum's friend is one of the loveliest people ever walked this earth and did so much - for me- my dad, not to mention mum over the years ... I love her and I'm gutted myself .... but any ideas how to help mum through this and beyond?

To visit or not to visit? To face it or distract?

Sorry to ramble on .... any ideas appreciated....

Love, Karen, x

 

Thanks for the sentiment ...I'm afraid I don't live up to it ....... many years ago someone one told me 'God only throws at you what He thinks you can cope with' .... to which my response: 'In which case HE has got a lot better opinion of me than me!!!!!'

Hazel, Sylvia, Alex, Tina - thanks all for your support ..... just spoken to mum - who is on an absolute 'high' ...... so excited about seeing her friend tomorrow ... she seems to have forgotten about just where we're going and why ... ho, hum... tomorrow morning might be different again .......

I guess a lot of carers here have a degree course on 'Thinking on Your Feet'? - my turn to face a challenge tomorrow - but thanks to you know I've got support behind me .....

Let you know how it goes.....

Much love and thanks, Karen, x

 

Well, I hope YOU all enjoyed that hospital visiting today - cause I swear there was a band of ‘Guardian Angels’ with me willing me on ….. (Checked in here this morning over coffee - didn’t dare go on-line in case I got distracted- what amazing support…. can’t thank any of you enough……)

Like when I arrived to pick mum up and she had asked a neighbour to write down directions for me (Thanks, mum - I know you have no confidence in me - but I’ve had a dollop load of self-esteem thrown my way, thank you!) …..

Like when we arrived at the hospital and she was desperate for the loo …. then asked me why we were going THAT way (to visitors’ loos) when the ward is the other way … ‘Well, you wanted the loo’ … ‘No I don’t’ … (sigh, stay calm, Karen) ….. ‘Well, just try …..’ (childhood memories there, huh?)

Like when she swore the ward was in a different building ….. ‘No, mum, look it says left here’ - ‘Well I KNEW that’, ‘Course you did, mum.’

Like when we reach the ward and find we have arrived an hour early for visiting (at this point my self-confidence is rocked … timed it perfectly (I thought) to arrive well before 2pm knowing car-parking and especially disabled parking is at a premium …… allow time for walking the half-mile thru the hospital ‘linkways’ to the right place (thought I’d been ‘one ahead’ there knowing that she’d refuse the wheelchairs on offer!) ….. panic sets in …. this hospital has no café facilities for visitors … mum - in spite of her protests is physically flagging having walked a marathon already to get to the ward … but starts to 'pace' outside the ward ..... snarling at anyone ventures into the corridor ..... how the HELL do I fill nearly an hour? …. Some little Guardian Angel pipes up: ‘Go tell the nurses’ ….

Like when I find the nurses’ station - three people each with the prospect of fulfilling Cathy Bates’ role tell me I must have looked up the wrong ward on the website….. (what - you all at knocking my confidence too?!) …… Strictly no visiting before 3pm …… Mouth opens and another Guardian Angel speaks from it: ‘I have brought my mum to visit her friend believing visiting was from 2pm …. My mum suffers from Alzheimers and is already becoming very agitated at having to wait ……’……. ‘Oh, just go thru then….’

Result!

Mum spent most of the visit gripping her friend’s arm (and worse) moaning about having to wait to get on the ward … absolutely no concept, no understanding of her friend‘s situation…… we were barely off the car park when mum asked me whether it was Arsenal or Chelsea played this afternoon????

It will come in time, I guess …. and yes, next plan of action is how to ‘divvy up’ more hours in the day to support mum as, when and if realisation dawns from time to time ……

Perhaps, most importantly mum’s friend was overwhelmed …… in her dignified and serene way of demonstrating ‘overwhelmed’ …… so appreciative of the effort the visit had taken, asking about me, my hubby and son … so accepting of her own circumstances (they can’t do anything for me now) … not lost on me that she said and asked all the things I wish mum would remember to ….. but today was for HER …. and I’m so glad I did it …if I can never do anything for her again ….. … and thank you all for the support and encouragement that I DID do it -and with confidence! (not to mention a few wry smiles!)

Hugest love and thanks to you all…..

Karen, x

 

Yikes! Skye, thanks for your support - but me, sainthood and calm just ain't buddies!!!!! I know when I meet my maker He's gonna send me to off to try dancing with the devil - and I'll get booted outta there too ... coz I swear I could make the devil look calm at times ..... so he ain't gonna like me either!!!!!!

Joking aside, had a call from friend's daughter who is THRILLED about the visit - she's seen her mum since ..... who is delighted at (and both understood) the effort and time involved for what was a brief bedside visit, the emotional boost it's given her mum ... so yes, for this evening .... I'll wallow in a little 'feel good factor' ..... and thank you all again for helping me get through a difficult day and inspiring the confidence to meet each next challenge on this particular problem....

Much, much love to you all, Karen, x