Mum's behaviour towards Dad

[JJM]

My Mum was diagnosed with early stage Alzheimer's a few months ago. Her short term memory is getting worse, especially lately, but she has yet to show any signs of the middle stage. But what's especially concerning me and the rest of the family at the moment is the way she's treating my Dad (they're both in their late 70s). She is constantly picking arguments with him about trivial and petty things and is antagonistic, irrational, resentful of his own hobbies and interests, and incredibly stubborn. This is making him very stressed and I'm worried he's going to end up having a heart attack or stroke. So I'm looking for any insights and advice that others can give in the following areas:

a) My own thoughts are that this behaviour is not specific to the Alzheimer's as such but is being magnified by it. She's always been a little bit like this to be honest but nothing like on this scale. Does this sound likely?

b) I feel that she needs to be challenged on this behaviour and that this could include telling her of the serious risk to Dad's health if it continues, with the inevitable consequence that she will end up in a home if Dad were to die. Does anyone have any thoughts on taking this approach?

c) If I were to do this could I go even further and tell her that if this behaviour continues she could end up in a home even if Dad doesn't die, but for the benefit of his health. Although this is perhaps not a likely scenario in real life it could possibly give her an incentive to think about her behaviour? I don't like the idea of bringing up the subject of her having to go into a home but really her behaviour towards Dad is that bad.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, and I'll be grateful for any thoughts anyone might have.

 

[sistermillicent]

it's a horrible situation. I am sorry to say it is highly unlikely to improve.
There is likely to be very little point in trying to reason with your mother....yes, you will probably get through to her for all of five minutes but she will forget, genuinely forget what you have discussed and what she has agreed to.
So I would not threaten a care home if you think this is what your dad needs, just do it.
We had similar with my parents, Dad was well enough to cope with it though he was constantly under attack both mental and physical. Mum went on antipsychotic medication which calmed her right down but it isn't suitable for everyone or indeed what everyone would approve of. But it was the ONLY thing that worked for her after trying numerous other approaches, drugs, distractions etc and enabled her to remain at home for another five years.

 

[Beate]

Uh, no. There is no merit in challenging someone with dementia's behaviour. You cannot reason with them, they won't understand, they are not doing it on purpose, they can't change. The people having to change how they approach and communicate are the people around them. Read this excellent article: http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired

 

[Kevinl]

a) My own thoughts are that this behaviour is not specific to the Alzheimer's as such but is being magnified by it. She's always been a little bit like this to be honest but nothing like on this scale. Does this sound likely?

b) I feel that she needs to be challenged on this behaviour and that this could include telling her of the serious risk to Dad's health if it continues, with the inevitable consequence that she will end up in a home if Dad were to die. Does anyone have any thoughts on taking this approach?

c) If I were to do this could I go even further and tell her that if this behaviour continues she could end up in a home even if Dad doesn't die, but for the benefit of his health. Although this is perhaps not a likely scenario in real life it could possibly give her an incentive to think about her behaviour? I don't like the idea of bringing up the subject of her having to go into a home but really her behaviour towards Dad is that bad.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, and I'll be grateful for any thoughts anyone might have.

Hi JJM, welcome to TP
I'm coming at this as someone with a wife with AZ having previously had my Mum live with us who developed AZ in her last few years.
a) I would describe my late Mum and wife as quite passive people, however, AZ has and did bring out a much more aggressive side in both of them that I thought possible.
b) You can challenge all you want but I believe it won't help and may harm the situation. What they are feeling to them is reality and you'll never convince them otherwise.
c) Same as point a & b really, confronting someone with the results of their actions means nothing after a certain stage in AZ, it would to you or me but in someone with AZ it really can cease to matter to them same could be said for many other aspects of their behaviour be it; manners, hygiene, personal safety and so on...the list is endless.
As someone who has to deal with this everyday your Dad has my sympathy.
K

 

[garnuft]

It all depends on what your Dad thinks.
How much he is willing to endure.

If he wants to endure, it's their marriage after all, then I would support them and make sure I took over care to enable him to have free time to sit quietly or pursue his hobbies.

My experience of dementia, in my darling Mam, who adored me...was that she lost all empathy and became a very self-centred person.

A result of the ravages of dementia upon her brain.

She was definitely NOT unempathetic or selfish pre-dementia.

Her determined contrariness and argumentativeness however, were, as you say, simply magnified by dementia

It's a struggle, to fight one's own demons.
Short-temper, irritability, impatience...
but it's a battle YOU must do, with yourself.

I know I thought quite often, when my mother was being obnoxious and belligerent that I would put her in a home but I NEVER said it to her.

She was ill.

And she didn't do it to me in my teenage years when belligerent and obnoxious were my middle name.

Have a read of this...it helped me to help my poor, ill Mam.

http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...mpaired&highlight=compassionate+communication

 

[Tin]

It is horrible and part of the illness. Have you ever heard that saying 'think before you speak' In better days my mum used to often say this to all her children. This is something my mum cannot do anymore. When she first moved in with me I was the focus of her agitation and anger. I could not do anything right. I used to hide in a corner of my garden or lock myself in the bathroom just to get away from it all. She could not keep some of those bad personality traits in check either. I'm too embarrassed to admit some of the hurtful things she would say to me and how much crying I have done in front of her and her only comment was, what are you crying for you big baby. We've moved on now and things are a lot calmer and I think anti depressants have helped her, or its probably what I don't like to admit to and that is her dementia has moved on. You have to have a tough outer skin to put up with a lot when caring for someone Hope your father can cope with it all, He is definitely not alone.

 

[JJM]

Thanks for all the replies, you've certainly given me and the rest of the family much to think about.

 

[2jays]

This may help

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=pqmqC-702Yg

This lady has many videos on different ways of dealing with the many aspects of coping with dementia




Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

 

[Alan19531953]

Olanzapine helped my wife

My wife was very argumentative and aggressive at times. But olanzapine seems to have settled her. Now much better. Of course it won't probably stay that way but the war is at least over for the time being.

 

[MikeFB]

I am coming 90 and am the sole carer for my wife of similar age who was diagnosed with AZ 3 years ago. I am at one with your other respondents in saying it can be sadly counter productive to reason, contradict or try to correct . - albeit I admit to frequently falling into the trap of doing just that in the mistaken belief it will help. Afterall we shall have been married 66 years in two weeks time and have always shared our thoughts and opinions over that time. No longer is that possible . Somehow one has to learn to step back and cope the best you can which is not easy. There is much written on the subject which is worth a read - and speaking for myself I am always open to any suggestions from others

 

[Izzy]

Welcome to the forum @MikeFB. It’s good to have you here.

When and if you feel like it you might want to begin a thread of your own in the I Have A Partner area of the forum -

I have a partner with dementia

This forum is for people with a partner or spouse with dementia.

forum.alzheimers.org.uk

Whatever you decide - keep posting! There is always someone around to listen and support.

 

[Firecatcher]

My Mum became extremely aggressive towards my Dad and hitting, kicking, scratching and throwing objects at him became commonplace. Despite emailing her GP and expressing concern about his safety absolutely nothing was done. Finally after she was found by the police wandering in the local area half naked safeguarding alerts were made and following a fall she was finally admitted to hospital. I’m extremely cynical but I do feel the NHS and other services are worse than useless and too much is expected of families.

 

[SherwoodSue]

Sadly I feel the NHS has been hit by years of austerity and then Covid and broken political promises. My grandson waiting for twelves months to get ear appointment and son in law paid for his own op privately. Had to.
folks with dementia have been treated as social care not medical and fall between the cracks too. Once you know you are own your own you get on with it. It is the false hope that help is coming that kills. My dear dad was down as palliative care at home, turns out no specialist nurses, no Macmillan nurses, just the budget basement social care agency that the local authority had a contract with. (Wouldn’t touch them with a barge pole. ) We got HomeInstead in and paid. Family are of course, but in the end the poor fella broke his hip and found his way out. Perhaps the general population should we warned that at the end of life there is insufficient help and save to fund your own care if you can.
my thoughts and prayers are with you all.