Mum.

[Carabosse]

As you all know mum is in respite whilst the dreaded exams are on, anyway, I went to visit her today. First thing she started with was the usual 'have you come to take me home?' so I reminded her of the calendar that I made and that the staff are marking the days off (so glad they are doing that), she said 'that's a long time', I said 'but it will fly past some of it has passed already'. From the way she was talking mum seems a bit scared of being where she is, she mentioned people going through her things (they might have when unpacking), what worried me was when she said she gets food shoved at her and that they might hit her! Now i'm thinking this could just be the Alzheimer's talking or there could be more to it, if I ask the staff its a case of mum hasn't mentioned anything to them, err well she wouldn't.
What do you think, should I say anything to the staff or should I see if she repeats what I say the next time I visit?

 

[Katrine]

I suspect she is worried about feeling in the power of strangers and, because of her dementia, can go from thinking about a possible bad thing that could happen to turning this into a 'memory' of something that has actually happened. No reason not to mention it to staff though, in a tactful manner.

It sounds as if she's had nimble care workers buzzing around at speed and it has made her nervous. She is used to the rhythms and routines of home. Here, in an unfamiliar place, she is just processing what someone is doing and they've zipped off to do something else. Even putting her plate down on the table might seem to her like slapping it down if she needs to take time to work out what they are doing?

I read your post and thought I would have done exactly the same when faced with her anxiety; re-assuring her in an upbeat manner, making light of the fears, and distracting her. Then I thought of a video I had seen recently on YouTube where the dementia specialist Teepa Snow said that this might not be helpful. If someone tells you they are worried, or frightened, they don't want to be told that it's all OK, it's like saying "you shouldn't be feeling like that" or "I don't believe you".

And, if you distract without acknowledging the person's worries, it can feel like you are saying "I don't want you to tell me about your feelings, I want to do something else instead". It made me think very hard about how I am always reassuring my mum and MIL in a bright cheery voice, as if they were small children, and perhaps I am patronising the h*** out of them? I think that Teepa's approach would be to acknowledge the feelings expressed, then moving the person towards a positive activity or thought process.

Scenario:
Mum: Have you come to take me home?
You: You want to go home soon. I understand how you feel.
Mum: Are you taking me home now?
You: I know you are looking forward to going home at the end of your holiday. Look what the girls have done for you - they've made you a holiday calendar so you know when you are going home.
Mum: That's a long time.
You: It must feel like a long time to wait. I'm looking forward to bringing you home on [insert day/date].

Then try some distraction, such as finding out what she's been doing today. Do these lovely care workers keep a 'holiday diary' so that she has something to bring home to share with you? Perhaps, if not, you could provide a simple book that they can write in, Mum can write in, and souvenirs can be stuck in like menus and entertainments activities, craftwork, and maybe even some photographs? She could also get other residents to write things for her, like an autograph book.

 

[Wolfsgirl]

Hi Katrisse has made some great suggestions - would just suggest you next visit at a mealtime and observe from your Mum's perspective. Is she being approached with meals from behind where she is sitting or sideways?

Sharon

 

[Carabosse]

Some good ideas there, thanks.
I have been there when mum has had lunch as I had some, everyone sits in the dining room to have their food. Maybe something happened to one of the residents and mum has taken the incident as her own? I don't want to ignore anything mum says to me, but Alzheimer's is a cruel disease that can turn a simple or accidental incident into a major catastrophe (from mums point of view). I know in her old respite place I found out that if people didn't finish their food within a certain time, they removed it (obviously she never went back there)!
As for her being scared I think it might be that either someone has gone into her room accidently or she has been scared by the people who go out with loud noises, or one of the people who wander asking for help have stopped mum and she didn't know who they were or what they wanted, but I shall see what things are like when I see her next week.

 

[FifiMo]

Hiya,

Why not cover all your bases and give the home a ring and let them know your mum is anxious, particularly around meal times. Ask them to keep an eye on her and tell them you will visit again when you can...let them wonder when that might be.

My only concern is that even if your mum has got it wrong, doesn't change the fact she is scared and a kindly word might help her overcome this

Fiona

 

[Carabosse]

I don't think its meal times (although it could be), but I have tried to reassure mum and I feel really guilty for putting her in that position even though its for a short time (my exams). I am in 2 minds as to calling the home, I don't want to make a mountain out of a molehill as I sometimes think when I mention stuff to them its a case of 'she never mentioned anything to us' kind of answer (not always).
I think because its usually just the 2 of us at home, and we go everywhere, do everything together (always have done since I was small) that mum isn't used to being in a place where there are too many people, (daycare is different as she comes home after it).

 

[Wolfsgirl]

Hi I think I would be a little irritated by that so I would be inclined to say 'Mum may not have mentioned this to you, although she said to me.................xy and z, so have you noticed anything?

I understand you do not want to make a big deal but is this going to affect your concentration just when you don't need it to?

Sharon

 

[Carabosse]

I will do that when I call tomorrow to see how mum is, if I find out anything has happened to mum heaven help them!

 

[LYN T]

Hi when P was in a CH (when we moved house) he told me had been shouted at.He is extremeely sensitive (even before AD). I phoned the manager and asked her in a way she couldn't take offence 'I know if you were in my position....and I know you won't mind if I ask.....I've always been a bit of a fuss pot etc etc and asked her what had happened.(P was actually trying to take another residents food and a visiting relative had stopped him walking off with her plate!!!)

It's almost impossible to take offence if you don't jump in with both feet.

That said I would definately ask if any light could be shed on what is upsetting Mum.

Very good luck for your exams

Love Lyn T

 

[Carabosse]

That's exactly how I will do it, only problem is if they ask mum she will either deny saying anything, not remember and I will probably be put down as 'being a problem' (may not but just airing a thought).
Thanks, I am having my 1st panic bout the exams as I have been off colour for the past few days so haven't been able to revise as much as would like so I can see some late nights coming up!

 

[Carabosse]

I called the respite place to see how mum was, was told she is fine but wondering where I am. I mentioned the fact mum was scared and that I didn't know whether something had happened or if mum had seen something happen to someone else and thought it had happened to her (if you follow me), I was told that mum hadn't said anything to them (I doubt she would) but they would keep an eye on her. So i'm happy about that and if mum mentions anything about it when I see her in a few days, i'll see if I can find out whats been going on.

 

[at wits end]

I think you're right to raise your concerns with them, if the family dont question things CH staff can sometimes feel like they dont need to account to anyone.

It's probably nothing, a mix up, but it doesn't mean you should ask.

 

[Carabosse]

I phoned the respite place to see how mum was and was told that she had had a fall yesterday evening, it seems she was in the lounge area when they found her on the floor just sitting there. The staff nurse told me it was after 9.00pm before they got her settled, but she is fine no bruises, no broken bones, looking at her today its like nothing has happened, phew! I (and they) assume she tripped over herself and went down, I am so glad she is ok

 

[marsaday]

If it's any consolation my Mum once told me she had a terrible fall and hurt her head-no outward signs of this. When I enquired about it, it turned out she had seen another resident fall and been quite shaken up about it. Hope this illustrates how mixed up they can get, to the point of believing it happened to them. But it is awful when you don't know whether to believe them or not.

She also said people were taking her stuff but often she would be found in other people's rooms and with their stuff in her bag! There was another time she said someone was in her bed but it could have been her in someone else's! Who knows?

At least if you ask the staff they will know you are on the ball so if there is any funny business it will hopefully be nipped in the bud. I think if more of us raised our concerns with managers then they would be more vigilant.

 

[Carabosse]

I totally believe what the staff said there was no doubt mum fell as she was on the floor and she wouldn't sit on the floor just for the sake of doing it, she fell once in the house (ages ago) she had tripped over her feet and I found her sitting on the floor as she was unable to get up as she has a bad knee, so what the staff told me today is consistent with what has happened (only once) before.

 

[marsaday]

Sorry I did not mean that your Mum didn't really fall on that occasion. I was referring to her general complaints in your first post about things that may or may not have happened. I just wanted to illustrate how confused they are in general.

 

[Carabosse]

That's ok, when it comes to falls I would tend to err on the side of caution and would get someone checked out even if it turns out the person was mistaken. As I was saying to the staff nurse today since she has a UTI I am putting her confusion earlier in the post down to that, so hopefully when that clears and before she gets the next one she will be back to her usual self!