1. naomi

    naomi Registered User

    Jul 8, 2004
    13
    HI.The time has finally arrived.We have been waiting for mum to be placed in a EMI home for many monthes.She has been living with our brother for several years since Alziemers.Not an ideal situation.My sister and I are taking her next wed.Mixed emotions really.One of guilt that we are putting her in a home as she always said she never wanted to be put in a home before Alziemers.One of happiness that she will receive 24hr care and company she will get.One of great sadness that she is even leaving her old home and moving into care.She has a little dog she leaves behind but really she does not bother with now.I just hope I dont cry when I leave her there.I hope she will settle ok.What an end to such a dignified life as a Nurse,mother and wife.
     
  2. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Hi Naomi

    So sorry to hear this - it is a horrible realisation, isn't it?

    I'm sure you will cry and there is nothing to be ashamed about. But at the same time, the end has not yet dawned on her dignified life! As she settles into the home, I'm sure you will visit, and make her room/area/bed more personal for her. You will visit her and take in tit-bits of favourite food, magazines - don't forget flowers. Put pictures on her wall.

    Make your visits an occasion of joy. It won't be easy for any of you, but start to do it from the beginning and, over time, it will become a nice regular thing to do.

    Maybe even take her dog in to see if she and other residents like that [most homes permit visits of animals]

    Build a relationship with the staff and the manager.

    Do what you can do to make the transition as painless as possible. You can only do your best, and you are doing fine in a very difficult situation!
     
  3. janey

    janey Registered User

    Jun 29, 2004
    86
    Dear Naomi
    My Mum is in a home for a week's repite care at present, where she may go permanently before long. Anyway, one thing that I soon noticed was that the majority of the residents spend a lot of time helping and comforting each other. They seem to understand each other in a special way - Mum has her hair stroked by one lady, and another brought her treasured knitted mouse to try to cheer Mum up. One lady in particular is an ex-nurse - she came over to Mum when we took her in last weekend, took her by the hand and made friends (even though she has difficulty talking) - she pops into Mum's room to see that she's ok, and brings family photos to show her. As an ex-nurse myself, I recognise that she's carrying on using her 'people' skills to help others in need, something she perhaps could no longer do at home. What I'm trying to say is that her life is still full of meaning. I expect you WILL cry buckets - come back here and talk to us if it helps. We understand and we care.
     
  4. Claire

    Claire Registered User

    Mar 31, 2004
    88
    Coventry
    Dear Naomi

    I am in the same situation Mum has been on a waiting list for EMI care for over a year. As a result of a fall she went into respite care three weeks ago, and it looks as if it will become permanent. She lives with me, and I had always promised her that I wouldn't put her into a home - but I wasn't expecting Alzheimer's! I feel bad about the situation, but I have to say that whenever I see her there she is happy - laughing and lighthearted. It makes it easier for me. All the residents seem to be content, and I know I couldn't give her the 24 hour care that she is getting now. I am sad that it has come to this, but it does make it easier for me to know that she is happy. I find myself thinking "if only" a lot these days. I hope for your sake as well as hers that she settles well.

    Take care,
    claire.
     
  5. thompsonsom

    thompsonsom Registered User

    Jul 4, 2004
    97
    halifax
    Hi all

    I felt really sad reading your threads as we too are not sure how long we will be able to care for mum at home and are dreading the day when we will have to let her go into care. she is due to go for respite in september and not a day goes by when i don't think about how i will handle it. I t was nice to hear that other residents of homes welcome newcomers and i suppose they will all become like a family but it still makes the carers feel like they have failed in some way. We get days when we could cheerfully put mum in an home when she is being aggressive and obnoxious but on days when she tells you she loves you and you won't ever leave me will you it rips your heart out. I am not a religious person but if i was i would wonder why God lets people suffer this and other dreadful illnesses!

    janice
     
  6. janey

    janey Registered User

    Jun 29, 2004
    86
    Hi Janice
    I agree - it does make us feel we've failed. I gained some comfort from seeing that Mum was welcomed like that, and I've even been persuading myself that she might be happier with the company of the other residents than she is at home, but somehow I just can't quite convince myself... That see-sawing of feelings we go through between the terrible days and the lovely ones is a killer, isn't it? (and often its hours, not days!) Sometimes I feel I'm losing it myself. I've found myself thinking about Mum just about every minute while she's been in respite, wondering what she's doing, how she's coping and whether she thinks she's lost us for ever. Oh dear - this is becoming very morbid. I'll have to finish and go and do something distracting like the ironing!
     
  7. thompsonsom

    thompsonsom Registered User

    Jul 4, 2004
    97
    halifax
    Hi Janey

    Try not to worry too much, I am sure your mum will be o.k. I am told they settle quite quickly. I don't know if you have children but if you have, i am sure you will remember the feeling of despair you felt when first taking your small child to school or nursery for the 1st time and you have to leave them crying and all day you fret wondering how they are getting on only to find that when you pick them up, they had a lovely day and stopped crying the minute you were out of site, I know this happened with my son and i fretted all morning and clock watched only to find he had been fine. putting a patient with ad in respite or care is very similar and probably mum will be fine and we carers are the ones with the worries.
    Hope this helps in some way for you

    Janice
     

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