Mum

[Kazzette]

Hi Everyone

It would have been Mum's birthday on Monday and we had a firework party. We found some beautiful and noisey ones. She would have loved it and it made me wonder why I didn't do it while she was still here...Why do we wait until it is too late?

It's been 34 weeks since she passed and I am still expecting to see her in her room and coming down in the night to check on her.

What is the hardest though is that everyone seems to know what is best for me, what I should be doing and how I should be feeling. My government seems to have expectations of me, now being unemployed, but what about my expectations? They really seem to begrudge the £64.30 a week they pay me and the little of the rent and council tax they pay.

I have slid into a depression which they are saying is not a proper mental health issue and will give me no leway.

Over 30 years I spent as Mum's carer about 25 of those with her every day probably spending more time with her than couples spend together the entire time they are together and I am having trouble adjusting to her loss and finding my way.

How can I get these people to understan when I don't? But they still pound away at me making me say the same things over and over again.

I seem to have no fight or faith left............

 

[zoet]

Hi Kazette! Depression is not a real mental health issue? Are they off their flippin rockers??? You are grieving and should be allowed all the time and support to do so without having to answer to officials about how you spend your time. I willl be honest with you though, it may help to do a little part time work if you can sometime in the future. You are probably overwhelmed at the thought of it, because the longer you are out of a job the less confidence you have and it is a catch 22 situation. I know that when I lost my baby at 36 weeks a couple of years ago a councellor helped me come to terms with what had happened and helped me face the future. Would you take some comfort in having that sort of support do you think? If so, then you can either ask your GP for a referal or refer yourself by ringing MIND, who will direct you to a councellor. Mine came to my home every week for a year and I could tell them anything. Your mum has been the biggest part of your life for so long it is no wonder you are bereft. But Im sure she would have wanted more from life for you, think of it like that. Take your time Kazzette, you will know when the time is right for you to move forwards into a happy future. Take care, Zxx

 

[DianeB]

Everybody is different when it comes to grief. I spent 4 years seriously grieving for the tragic loss of my brother, depression yes I know it well, from not sleeping, to having too much sleep, forever crying not being able to concentrate. I finally gave in and was prescribed anti depressants and yes they did help me, in fact I would go so far as to say I think they helped me stay alive. However with Mums death a few weeks ago my reactions have been completely different as I feel more a sence of relief that her suffering is over (her end was terrible ) So even the same person can grive in different ways, but nobody EVER has the right to say how anybody should be, as they are not that person suffering.
As for depression not being a mental health issue is utter rubbish!!! I know people that are on disability for depression.

Take care of youself xxx

 

[Vonny]

Hi Kazette,

I've just been onto the gov website and am posting the link below. Whilst I'm not saying you have a disability, this site clearly recognises that depression is a mental health condition. I've also pasted a section of the page which states this!

http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/DisabledPeople/HealthAndSupport/MentalHealth/DG_10023351

There are many different types of mental health conditions which can lead to a disability, including:

dementia
depression
bipolar disorder
obsessive compulsive disorder
schizophrenia
self-harm
This is not an exhaustive list and there are varying degrees of severity. The charity Mind has factsheets on a range of mental health conditions in their 'Understanding' series.

I should refer your government to their own web pages. Disgraceful behaviour from them. I assume you have a doctor's note to back you up? If not, that should be your first port of call as sick notes cover NI contributions etc.

Good luck, and I'm rooting for you

Vonny xxx

 

[Sooe]

Keep the smile going

Hi Kazette
You thread made me feel so sad for you, you must be having the most horrendous time.....I am so sorry, wish we could help you feel better.
Grief is normal, however long you need to grieve, my sincere consolations for you, I have similiar problems, giving up work to take care of my loved one, no won't be able to find or even cope with work right now, you just keep taking the state money wherever you can you are entitled after your long loving care, we have just had the funeral the loss is so huge it can't even be talked about. My thoughts and love is with you, your Mum would want you to carry on and be happy you have done your absolute best for her and I am sure she is at a better place now. Words - Yes but true. Good Luck
Love Sooe xxxxxxxx

 

[Tender Face]

Dear Kazette ..... my blood boils you are left feeling anyone begrudges you whatever benefits you can now claim ... after all those years of caring I don't think 'they' would have begrudged you providing that care or questioned anything for one minute? Sadly, these things tend to be measured purely in black and white in financial terms (by the form fillers) and I can barely begin to imagine the emotional cost to you just now of all this stress on top of your grief.

My only suggestion is to contact a local Carer's Group who often have help for 'ex-carers' - in terms of bereavement support and/or 'rehabilitation' to a world outside caring ..... in your case it is such a long time .... absolutely agree you should have support from your GP ...... anti depressants and or counselling may be a route forward which they could help you with too ....... if not just support ....

Was there any agency/organisation involved in helping you care for mum? In my case, Age Concern (who provided a buddy service for my mother) offer support for some 12 months as required to the carer ..... that kind of avenue may be a starting point ......?

Depression is so horrid .... having had various battles with that particular monster myself over the years I do know what it is like to feel in a 'fog' and the more anyone tries to coax you out of it (I'd call it bullying in some cases I had!) the deeper you are likely to spiral down and resist any help ......

Agree with all the wise words you've had already ..... and I hope the fog will soon rise to be merely a mist ...... and you WILL see the sunshine again ..... but when YOU are ready. Keep in touch.

Love, Karen, x