Mum won't get a diagnosis

[JoannePat]

I know you are all so helpful here. I know that I can't force her to the dr, but now I am getting to the stage that I need a dr more than she does!

I don't want to go over old ground, as I have posted some of this before, but to keep it brief(ish), I have suspected my mum has memory loss and showing signs of dementia for a good couple of years. Last November she had a stroke, and she now shows signs of dementia - all of the time.

So that's a quick back story and now I need some help on what has happened in the last few days. I don't know where to turn, I have anxiety and palpitations 24/7!

My dad is her full time "carer", which she hates and won't admit. I suppose because she can still keep house etc. she doesn't see him as that. My dad is 84, and it turns out that he is lying to me. Now is that a sign of him going down the dementia path, or is he trying to protect his 46 year old daughter! On several occasions i have asked him not to lie, and the only way i can help is if he is straight with me. The thing is he is lying about the most ridiculous things.

I have spoken to him about getting POA, I even spoke to a lawyer who said that he would visit my parents at home to sign the papers. I don't want to keep pushing these things because he may back away even more.

They have a nice little nest egg in savings, which I thought was for a rainy day. I have told my dad the rain is coming and it is only going to get worse, he needs to start to consider a "home help/carer" for them both, and surely he can use the money for that. He says "I will speak to your mum".

We went for lunch on Sunday and my mum really struggled with her eating. I tried to quietly help her and she ignored me.

They have both lost vast amounts of weight and yet my dad tells me they are eating "like you wouldn't believe". Well no I don't believe. And if they are eating well,, then there are other issues, because my dad looks like a skeleton.

Then I went to their house yesterday and in the middle of the afternoon they were both drinking. I could also tell that it wasn't there first !

Ok, I feel like I am rambling now! I am sorry but grateful to anyone who has stuck with this and read it through!

Finally, I did exactly what i know is WRONG and I corrected my mum on something she was saying the other day. She looked me straight in the eye and said "well if I am that F...ING wrong I might as well throw myself under a car".

You can see why I am at the end of my rope.

Jxx

 

[Bunpoots]

I just wanted to let you know I've read your post and I understand your frustration!!!

Sorry that I can't think of any solutions if your parents won't accept help.

I had times with my dad when I just had to walk away before my head exploded!!!

 

[marionq]

I am sure you are worried about a lot of things with them but if they are muddling along without harming anyone else or being an immediate danger to themselves then ...... Social services will not want to know unless there is a crisis or they are asking for help.

It is hard but sometimes you have to step back and let life happen.

 

[JoannePat]

thank you @Bunpoots and @marionq it is all so frustrating. @Bunpoots I am exactly the same at the moment, I walk away and keep telling my self @marionq that i have to let them just carry on as they aren't hurting anyone, but I am afraid that they are hurting themselves. My dad takes heart medicine and one minute he tells me he takes them, but then on Sunday he told me he hasn't taken them since November! I just don't know what to believe................

Also, I am their only family. I have an extremely supportive husband (thank goodness), but at the end of the day, i just want to scream!!!

 

[Sirena]

I know you feel you should be doing something, but with this disease there are many points where you cannot help, and as Marion says you just have to let life happen. It is quite common to refuse to have 'strangers' in the house, partly because they believe they are coping fine, and partly (I suspect) because they don't want an outsider seeing them struggle.

Re your mother's eating problems, do you mean she was struggling with actually eating, or was struggling with using cutlery?

The one thing you may be able to do is get the LPAs sorted out. Would it help if you said the solicitor was coming to do them for all of you - you and your husband included? Then it would not seem to be a comment on their own current lack of ability, just something being done 'in case'.

 

[Banjomansmate]

I convinced The Banjoman to agree to LPAs
a) by getting my own
b) by saying they could be needed after a stroke /accident/serious illness
and c) by pointing out it would cost far more to pay for CoP fees if something happened and he didn’t have them in place.

 

[JoannePat]

Thank you @Sirena , she was struggling with both I think.....because of the stroke, she has weakness in her right hand. So hand to mouth coordination is poor, but at one point she was trying to eat a poppadom with a knife and fork, you can imagine the mess that made. i tried to explain to her that it is easier to eat with her hand, but she just carried on. Then when our main dishes arrived, i served them on to her plate and she managed with just a fork.

As far as POA I think you could have something there, maybe i could just say it is for all of us. And @Banjomansmate you could have something there too. Telling them the extra costs for everything..............

Sometimes we are too close to something to work it out for ourselves, that why I love coming here and sharing with you.

So much help, thank you guys!

Jxx

 

[Canadian Joanne]

@JoannePat referring to the costs of things always worked well with my mother. Early in her illness, she wanted to leave the care home but I kept saying she was paid up to the end of the month and would lose the money. That was a very effective argument. Although Mum, being a very intelligent woman, once said "Don't give them any more money". Interesting how on some level she was aware that I was handling all the finances.