Mum won't Eat - inevitable consequence

[SusanB]

Oh, Lynne

I don't know you, I've never met you but your posts have been so evocative and beautifully written, describing your Mum's journey to a better place. It's very brave of you to do that.

May I add my very sincere condolences? This is very sad but your Mum died peacefully in your arms, knowing how much you loved her. Your heart must be broken.

Susan
x

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Dear Lynne,
I have just read your post and am sorry to hear the news. I know there wasn't much chance of an upturn but it is so sad and hard to deal with.

As dying goes, probably almost as 'good' as it gets.
I don't think she knew much about it and she died in my arms.

She is in her own home, with her own things, cat, etc. & is aware of that fact.
For the first time for 2 years or more, I am actually able to ‘do her some good’ by keeping her so, and there is comfort for me in that.

You did what you intended to do and I so hope there is great comfort for you because of it.

Much love,

 

[heartbroken]

So so sorry Lynne
I have been so wrapped up with my own problems I missed your post.
your mum knew how much she was loved
Hugs

 

[Lynne]

Dear Lynne,
I have just read your post and am sorry to hear the news. ...
You did what you intended to do and I so hope there is great comfort for you because of it.

Much love,

Thanks Joanne (& to everyone else for your messages), there is indeed some comfort that she was able to stay at home until the end.

 

[DeborahBlythe]

Dear Lynne, I didn't catch up on your news until today. I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. Please accept sincere condolences and deepest sympathy. You made the very best of a sad situation and cared for your mum so admirably. You can see from all these postings here how much you are admired and sympathised with. Take heart and take time to grieve. We will all be behind you. Love Deborah xx

 

[ocharlotte]

I empathize with you, Lynne.

Lynne,
My name is Charlotte, and I only became a member today. I just made my first post telling my story which is as long as a book! I then ran into your post. We're pretty much sitting in the same spot. I hope we can continue to communicate. Unfortunately, my Mom is in a NH. I'm in the USA and don't know how different things may be for you. The doctors have all told us that it was impossible to take her home with us. I'm now seeing that very well. She still needs therapy with a possibility to walk, but sometimes says that she can't walk. She is not heavy, but it is like dead weight. It takes two nurses to do things for her many times. I stay as many hours a day as possible. Truth...I'm scared!

 

[julieann15]

Might be better to post this as a new thread- you may get more response- either that or the moderators may move it-either way Welcome to TP!!

Julie xx

 

[DianeB]

(((((Lynne))))) sending you my heartfelt thoughts and love. I have read quite a few messages of yours and you have come across as such a caring dedicated and strong person. I am sure your Mum would be very proud of everything you did for her. She was blessed. Take care xx

 

[Lynne]

Hello Charlotte

And TN is Tennessee? Excuse my ignorance if wrong .

I was very lucky in so many ways. Mum only 'went off her legs' 3 weeks before she died. Previous to that she was fully mobile (for an 89 yr old!), not incontinent, still fairly sensible. As she was only about 60 pounds in weight, and I am .... a lot more than that! ... she wasn't difficult to manage physically, altho as you say, dead-weight on the occasions when she passed out was MUCH heavier.

I am fully aware that care at home is virtually impossible if the person affected by AD exhibits challenging behaviours or undergoes character changes; I was SO lucky that this didn't happen to Mum.

Best wishes

 

[Lynne]

Diane

Thank you for your kind & supportive post.
As you can imagine, my emotions are on a roller-coaster this week. One minute I'm feeling relief that Mum's anxiety & illness is over for her,
& then the next I'm thinking "Oh, must tell Mum about that ..." & realising I can't, ever again.

Right now I'm knee-deep in paperwork, form-filling, letter-writing, and final details for her funeral next Wednesday.
And of course the 'sympathy' cards, some from old friends who hadn't seen her for 10, even 20 or 30 years ...
Whilst they bring tears, they've also helped me recapture my Mum as she was in real life, as opposed to the distress of the last couple of years.
It's good to know she was so well thought of and remembered, & common comments have been about her kindness, her sense of fun & humour
(which frequently verged on the ridiculous!) & her generosity of spirit.
Also her strength of character (some might say stubbornness ) when she set her mind to do something which wasn't easy.

How are things working out with your Mum at the Nursing Home? How is your Dad coming to terms with the huge changes to his life?
Lord knows, after the disgraceful fiasco you've all been through in the last few weeks, you deserve some R & R yourself.

Best wishes

 

[DianeB]

Hi (((((Lynne)))))

Thank you for asking

Its really weird trying to attempt to get back to any routine or normality. I'm looking round the house thinking I have so much to do and don't even know where to start.
The most difficlt thing for me personally will be trying to support Dad and also be there for Mum as they are now both 30 miles apart from each other. Yesterday I was with Dad while he had the house valued and also a fellow from Careaware came round, then it was off to the nursing home, so I feel like I should be divided into 3, one for my home, one with Dad and one with Mum.
So many people say Diane don't forget about yourself along the way, that's so easy to say but impossible to do. Unfortunately I have even missed out on the enrolement for college, I was meant to enrole for my 3rd year in counselling 2 weeks ago and have missed it, so looks like thats on the back burner for the present time as there is no way I could even concentrate and take in anything anyway.

Your Mum sounded such a wonderful character, and very very much loved. I can see she passed these qualities down to you xx

 

[Lynne]

... trying to support Dad and also be there for Mum as they are now both 30 miles apart

I thought that would be the case.

So many people say Diane don't forget about yourself along the way, that's so easy to say but impossible to do.

Yes, it seems to be 'the thing' for people to say (SS, doctors, even some TP'ers) & feel they've done their duty, but they seem not to realise how impossible it is.
Generally you have to put your own life on hold unless there's someone else you can really share the Caring with.

Unfortunately I have even missed out on the enrolement for college, I was meant to enrol for my 3rd year in counselling 2 weeks ago and have missed it

Have you written to the enrolment office, explaining the circumstances?

... so looks like thats on the back burner for the present time as there is no way I could even concentrate and take in anything anyway.

Perhaps you could ask them to put you on the list for next year's (or next term's) intake?
Might there be a home-study course available that would give you a head-start when you can pick it up again, stop you getting rusty?

Best wishes

 

[DianeB]

Morning Lynne, I thought about you last night with all that has to be done, its like you go into auto pilot when all you really want to do is to reflect and come to terms. Sending you some cyber (((((hugs)))))

You have given me some great advice!!!! I hadn't even thought about doing any work at home when I feel I can concentrate!!! I will ring college on Monday. Because it is councelling though there is alot of practical work which would be impossible to do at home and it is assessed throughout, but the therory is what is mind blowing, and tht could help me if available.
Talk about not even being on this planet recently, I had a call from college saying I had over paid them by £410, the standing order didn't stop and I didn't even know although hubby did keep saying your over draft has gone a little high It's like we have so many jobs on the back burner and never ever get time to do any of them, thats what the last few months have been like.

Anyhow how are you this morning? Have you got anybody to help you with any of the arrangments at all?

 

[Lynne]

Sorry Diane

I'm only just catching up with tings now, didn't see this until this morning.

Funeral was yesterday afternoon, it went off 'as well as could be expected' as they say.
I kept it as simple as possible, trying to strike a balance between traditional religious and secular. Entry music "Benedictus" by Hayley Westernra, prayers & hymns "Immortal, Invisible" & "All things bright & beautiful"; then my brother's friend read out a tribute from my brother (who is in Australia) which had everyone reaching for their hankies; committal prayer & prayer for 'those who mourn', brief tribute from me (read by the minister, I couldn't have held it together) and then exit music "Feathers, Bones & Shells" by Beth Nielsen-Chapman.

Whilst I planned the funeral, Mike (bless his cotton socks) took the get-together afterwards completely out of my hands & laid on a superb buffet at his house (which is bigger than Mum's little bungalow, & in same town as crematorium). He's been an absolute gem throughout, and I'm so grateful. We had about 15 back to share memories & anecdotes, including the 3 childhood friends of my brother (who all knew Mum personally) who attended to represent him.

Just the will, probate & 1 or 2 other odds & ends to tidy up now, then I'll be job-hunting! (Bit apprehensive about that; age 58, out of the workplace for last two & a half years, present economic situation ... not a good recipe, is it.) Still, nothing ventured ...

 

[Grannie G]

Well done Lynne.
Love xx

 

[julieann15]

Hi Lynne,
Glad the funeral went off okay- the choice of music sounded lovely and such cheering hymns- I'm having "all thing bright and beautiful" at mine- I evenb had it written in my will- not that I am going to leave this world yet

Big hugs

Julie and Ian xx

 

[BeckyJan]

The funeral for your Mum sounded just right. Well done.

Good luck now for job hunting, but please keep in touch as we value your input on TP. Love Jan

 

[Skye]

Lynne, the funeral sounds lovely. I hope you found it comforting.

Well done to your brother for arranging for his friends to represent him, and well done to Mike for taking the arrangements for the buffet out of your hands.

Good luck with the job-hunting.

Love,

 

[Amy]

Hiya Lynne,

So pleased that yesterday went as you wished it.

A new job...fantastic...the right one for you is out there...just a case of finding out where you are meant to be!!!

Love Helen

 

[alex]

Hi Lynne

Just catching up on a few posts and i'm sorry to learn about your mums passing but i'm pleased that the funeral went as you planned, i'm sure your mum would have approved.

Don't worry about the job hunting..........i have no doubt you'll get what you want........they'd be a fool not to take you on.

Good luck
Love Alex x