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Mum won’t come out of her room...


Registered User
Jun 22, 2020
So after a couple of weeks of being able to visit mum at the care home and even take her for a walk they are in full lockdown and I can’t visit. So I’m back to ringing each day to ask how she is. I’ve just come off the phone in tears as they’ve told me that yet again mum didn’t want to come out of her room, this happens a lot but today she was apparently very nasty to the staff and called them names and that they were evil. This is really not my mum I’m heartbroken. She was so kind and passive and everyone loved her. I can’t bear the thought that she has become a resident that they dread having to care for. I just want to go there and hold her hand and calm her down but I can’t. They tell me they can’t leave her in her room everyday as they don’t have the staff to watch her up there. She hates coming down as she gets so anxious about other people she is paranoid they are talking about her. But docs won’t give meds for this. She’s so unhappy and doesn’t even get to see me now not even in the garden. Do I let this go on or might she be happier somewhere else? She’s been there since 1/6, lost a stone, 4 falls and had a big deterioration in mentally and physically. The lack of visiting has had a huge impact but I can’t see it getting better. She is suffering and it feels like no one cares.

Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
Toronto, Canada
I don't understand why the doctors won't give meds for he paranoia and anxiety. It may be because of the falls she has already had, as quite a few of the meds can cause unsteadiness. Have you discussed this directly with the doctor? I would try to do so.

I don't know if moving her will be of any use at all. The move itself will cause more confusion and worry for her. I doubt she would be happier anywhere else. Unfortunately, her unhappiness is internal so external changes probably would not affect her.

So sorry and I hope you feel better soon.


Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
My dad’s carehome were happy for him to stop in his room when he wanted to. They used to check on him every hour or 2. Dad would’ve been a nightmare if he’d been forced to join in when he didn’t want to - just like your mum!

I know moving is not ideal but perhaps another home would suit better?


Registered User
Mar 12, 2018
@Sarah 1208 - it is very hard when personalities change. My Mum became very aggressive during personal care, but care home staff are trained to understand this, and they knew it was the disease and not her.
You may want to think about a "best interests" meeting, by phone or Skype to ask about medication and reasons for not giving it. Anti anxiety meds don't work for everyone, but at least you would have a chance to discuss.


Registered User
May 21, 2018
I'm sorry that you are going through such a painful time @Sarah1208 . I know that moving your mum into care has been traumatic. It was the same for me three years ago and you also have the visiting restrictions to deal with on top on that. Through the past three years, my mum has often been very aggressive, paranoid and sometimes violent with the carers (and with me) but we have found that medication has helped a great deal along the way. It has been an ongoing process though and sometimes I have had to really push for a med's review. Keep on pushing. Doctors are very reluctant to prescribe sedatives due to falls risk but an anti-anxiety/anti-depression medication like Mirtazapine may help. Sometimes even a regular dose of paracetamol can make a difference.

I would also ask the staff to check for signs of UTI if your mum is uncharacteristically aggressive.

It's probably worth my saying that the staff at mum's care home genuinely do care for her, seem to love her to bits in fact, despite all the times when she has been extremely challenging.
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Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
My dad can be a bit 'room based' as well - he'll take himself off there and not come out - except for meals. I wasn't especially concerned as he needs to elevate his leg and can only really do that in bed and that's how he's done it for the past 30 odd years. He doesn't join in much either as all the other residents are 'crackers' and I think he thinks the crafts etc are a bit childish. Hard to know what to do with him really as he can be extremely 'grumpy'. He has been put on anti-depressants as well and I do think they have helped - he seems less suspicious and more relaxed to me and his carers (hard really for me to say as like your mum he won't always come to the phone when I call and I've not seen him this year at all). So I would suggest medication review and for you to be involved with it.


Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
High Peak
My mum was in a CH for 3 years and rarely came out of her room. She generally had her meals in there too though they managed to get her to the dining room on a few occasions. When not in her room she could usually be found sitting near the front door with her coat on and bags packed.

I wasn't surprised - mum was never a mixer. She disliked everyone, thought she was superior to residents and staff in every way and was scornful about the activities on offer. (Don't blame her for that - they were rubbish.)