Mum won’t allow us to organise carers

Discussion in 'Welcome and how to use Dementia Talking Point' started by Youngerson, Jul 19, 2019.

  1. Youngerson

    Youngerson New member

    Jun 11, 2019
    3
    My mother has had a recent Alzheimer’s diagnosis. She seems to understand what this means but she doesn’t want us to tell her friends. She simply tells them she has tablets for her memory. Mum is living on her own and is generally fit. Either me or my brother visits once a week. She is still in the early stages and is safe at home on her own but we want her to have a carer twice a week to do the laundry, change her bedding and check she is eating. Mum is very independent and doesn’t see why she needs someone as she feels she can do all this herself. When she remembers she can do this work but we feel she forgets to do it. If we ask we get told she did it yesterday. Does anyone have any techniques to help us persuade mum to have someone in
     
  2. Rosettastone57

    Rosettastone57 Registered User

    Oct 27, 2016
    971
    #2 Rosettastone57, Jul 19, 2019
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2019
    Welcome to the forum. This is a very common problem and in my experience with my mother-in-law who had mixed dementia, if you wait for someone with dementia to see your point of view or agree with you, you will wait forever.

    My mother-in-law lived on her own and we introduced carers very slowly for a couple of mornings a week . She was self-funding and we had power of attorney over her finances so we arranged it whether she liked it or not. We told her the carers were free when she reached a certain age.
    Of course she was rude and aggressive and kept telling us that she didn't need carers but to be frank we just ignored it and told her it was not negotiable.

    We developed a strategy to tell her that the carers were coming to her ,because they were learning how to look after people who were really ill . And they were practicing first with her as a training method. The care agency that we used were of course in on this ruse. This seemed to placate her and she accepted this explanation. In the end we had carers three times a day for over 3 years until things unfortunately deteriorated and she had to go into full-time care.

    It's not an easy situation and I'm sure others will be along to share their experiences and give better advice
     
  3. prodigal-son

    prodigal-son Registered User

    Feb 1, 2019
    30
    I wish you luck, @Youngerson. Some interesting ideas from @Rosettastone57, so perhaps you can find a co-operative agency. My own father did not want care and I couldn't find an agency who would take him on without a health and welfare LPA, which I didn't have.

    Self-employed or informal carers might be easier at this stage. Could you persuade your mum she "deserves a little help with the ironing"?

    Just get that health and welfare LPA in place, if you haven't already. In my dad's case it took a crisis, a hospital stay and a best interests decision from social services before I was able to get home care for him. Even now the agency is asking for a signed authority from him and I shall have to argue with them.
     
  4. Youngerson

    Youngerson New member

    Jun 11, 2019
    3
    Thanks for your advise. Mum will be a self funder for a bit and we do have both types of LPA so can organise for her. I agree that an informal arrangement might be better at the start.
     
  5. Youngerson

    Youngerson New member

    Jun 11, 2019
    3
    Thanks for advice. Your comment about making it non negotiable is well taken as I have been trying to persuade her with no succes. I think the ruse with the care agency is a great idea !
     
  6. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,489
    Female
    As @Rosettastone57 says, you just have to do it - don't enter into long discussions about it with your mother as she will not agree. And even if she did agree, she'd change her mind several times a day.

    One thing I would suggest - do not refer to them as carers. Says she's a cleaner, or a nice lady who helps out, or whatever will fit best to get your mother to agree.

    I only have financial LPA and I never had any problem with the care agency - they never asked my mother to agree to or sign anything, all contractual dealings were with me.
     

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