• We're currently experiencing technical issues with our newsletter software, so our Dementia Talking Point monthly updates have been put on hold for now. We hope to restart the newsletter soon.

    Find out more >here<.

Mum with dementia just gone into care home

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,434
South coast
I am still the bad guy who put her in there. And it really hurts!!
Of course it does. But while she is with you she really cant remember that she is happy there - her memory goes straight back to how she felt when she first moved there. Eventually it will fade, but its tough seeing it.
 

Sarah1208

Registered User
Jun 22, 2020
90
Not during covid, but, when mam first went in the home, she spent most of the time in her room. But the staff were very persistent at encouraging her out & within a few months she said to me that she had never had so many friends & was joining in enthusiastically with everything. Much happier than when at home.

Hang in there, there is hope & when we saw mam happy & enjoying life again the guilt receded.

Take care
X
Just felt I had to post something tonight after ranting on and talking so much doom and gloom , today we saw a breakthrough. I went to visit mum tonight, she was waiting in the tv lounge for me and greeted me with such a smile it blew me away. She said oh it’s so lovely to see you I didn’t think you would be coming as it’s got so late ( she been asking since 9am apparently) she looked so settled and even remembered that her friend had been on Monday and brought her chocolates. We chatted ( well I shouted as had to sit 2m away wearing a mask) for a full 30 mins with no tears and not once did she say she wanted to go home. When it was time to go the carer came and said let’s go back up to your room and you can wave from your window. She stood and waved and blew me a kiss and I could hear her having a joke with the carer. They told me she is eating and drinking really well and she is even washing and dressing herself in the morning.
I absolutely know this won’t happen every time but I can’t begin to tell you how I felt leaving there tonight. For the first time in 6 weeks I have not sat and sobbed in my car and seeing mum smile was like winning the lottery. I know she’s poorly, and I know she won’t get better, but seeing her looking safe and settled is something I never thought I would see.
tears of happiness tonight. Talk about a rollercoaster.
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,722
Oh @Sarah1208 that's lovely to hear. So glad your mum seems to be settling in well, after the awfulness of the last few weeks.
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
871
Oh that's really good news @Sarah1208! It can take a while to settle. It's amazing what a visit like that can do for your spirits. Long may it continue.
 

Hazara8

Registered User
Apr 6, 2015
514
Just felt I had to post something tonight after ranting on and talking so much doom and gloom , today we saw a breakthrough. I went to visit mum tonight, she was waiting in the tv lounge for me and greeted me with such a smile it blew me away. She said oh it’s so lovely to see you I didn’t think you would be coming as it’s got so late ( she been asking since 9am apparently) she looked so settled and even remembered that her friend had been on Monday and brought her chocolates. We chatted ( well I shouted as had to sit 2m away wearing a mask) for a full 30 mins with no tears and not once did she say she wanted to go home. When it was time to go the carer came and said let’s go back up to your room and you can wave from your window. She stood and waved and blew me a kiss and I could hear her having a joke with the carer. They told me she is eating and drinking really well and she is even washing and dressing herself in the morning.
I absolutely know this won’t happen every time but I can’t begin to tell you how I felt leaving there tonight. For the first time in 6 weeks I have not sat and sobbed in my car and seeing mum smile was like winning the lottery. I know she’s poorly, and I know she won’t get better, but seeing her looking safe and settled is something I never thought I would see.
tears of happiness tonight. Talk about a rollercoaster.
Forgive me, but l came upon your post which touched a chord.

For some years l have volunteered in a Care Home with the majority of residents living with various types of dementia. There is something which l have been happy to recount to family members who can often feel apprehension when they leave their loved ones after visiting.
It is this. You find that when family depart it is not uncommon to see those very residents revert within a very short time to the situation around them which was in place prior to the visit. Sometimes it is literally minutes before things return to the "normality " of before. In the lounge residents "communicate" in a way which seems almost mysterious to the onlooker and yet that is a fact and it sustains a damaged brain, a dementia mind during those hours or days when family members are absent. In other words, there is ongoing 'contentment 'when you are not there, because there is no recollection, unless reminded. This is the only ' positive' aspect of dementia. Short term memory eliminates a lingering anxiety or sense of loss. Nothing is black and white of course and each story is different. But it remains something of a comforting factor to know that things are not necessarily negative or dismal as a given.

There will always be days when things are not so rosy and they can knock one off that calm and collected perch.

I can see now, my late mother on the very day she was admitted into Care as an emergency case. Bewildered, lost, vacant eyes and myself, physically and mentally exhausted and frankly heartbroken. Then, around three months later and l see myself arriving at the Home, creeping into the lounge and sitting down beside my Mother and simply offering up a chocolate as l opened up the conversation just as if l had never left the room. She would smile " oh, how lovely!" take the chocolate with glee and we would chat, often for an hour or so. When meal times came l would leave, knowing all was well. Thus, l am really saying that the initial experience in question, whilst extremely challenging and most certainly painful at the start, does " settle" as oneself adapts to the reality. Just as long as one retains the credo of "best interests " at all times, then the dementia journey can be an uplifting one..... even when accompanied with tears.
 

Katie9247

New member
Jul 15, 2020
2
Hi, I’ve just been reading all your comments and I have to say it’s really good to hear that I’m not alone in what is happening. My dad died in April and was mum’s main carer. It’s been so difficult as we didn’t realise how much dad did and covered up. She’s since been in hospital twice and now we’ve been told she lacks capacity to make her own decisions and has been put in the ‘at risk at home’ category. They won’t let her out as a result of this. She’s had four carers a day, had sensors fitted and access to care on call but it still wasn’t enough. We are now looking into finding residential care and the guilt I’m feeling is overwhelming., especially as I feel I’ve let my dad down and that maybe I should’ve moved in with her. As with some of you, I’m the one who gets all mum’s anxiety and upset when she sees or hears me but with others she’s absolutely fine with. There have been occasions where I’ve had to leave because of it and know that if we did live together, it would be awful as I seem to get her back up even though I’m the one she always asks or calls for.
just reading some of your comments has really helped so thank you.
 

Frank24

Registered User
Feb 13, 2018
32
After supporting my mum to remain home for the last five years from a distance and with live in care I took her to a care home. I feel so guilty and lost and I’m worried how she will cope. I don’t think she could comprehend the situation. Can garden visit In 2 weeks. Feeling sick and guilty about the love on Carer who has been with mum for 1.5 years and all through lockdown. She’s on hols this week and the spot came up with the home I wanted with COVid testing it had to be done quickly. My mum seemed to Unwell and frail she couldn’t remember how to get into a car seat. Feeling utterly dejected.
 

Sarah1208

Registered User
Jun 22, 2020
90
Hi, I’ve just been reading all your comments and I have to say it’s really good to hear that I’m not alone in what is happening. My dad died in April and was mum’s main carer. It’s been so difficult as we didn’t realise how much dad did and covered up. She’s since been in hospital twice and now we’ve been told she lacks capacity to make her own decisions and has been put in the ‘at risk at home’ category. They won’t let her out as a result of this. She’s had four carers a day, had sensors fitted and access to care on call but it still wasn’t enough. We are now looking into finding residential care and the guilt I’m feeling is overwhelming., especially as I feel I’ve let my dad down and that maybe I should’ve moved in with her. As with some of you, I’m the one who gets all mum’s anxiety and upset when she sees or hears me but with others she’s absolutely fine with. There have been occasions where I’ve had to leave because of it and know that if we did live together, it would be awful as I seem to get her back up even though I’m the one she always asks or calls for.
just reading some of your comments has really helped so thank you.
I really feel for you it’s so hard. I was the same, 4 carer visits, sensors, support from me but it just wasn’t enough. Mums anxiety was breaking her and breaking me. And then the care home with Covid and lockdown thrown in to make everything worse. It’s been a rough ride, I thought bringing up two kids and putting them through uni was tough but this was another level. I think the biggest thing I’m learning is not to look for perfection. It’s never going to be perfect but hang on to the bits of positive and hope that they get you through.
 

Sarah1208

Registered User
Jun 22, 2020
90
Forgive me, but l came upon your post which touched a chord.

For some years l have volunteered in a Care Home with the majority of residents living with various types of dementia. There is something which l have been happy to recount to family members who can often feel apprehension when they leave their loved ones after visiting.
It is this. You find that when family depart it is not uncommon to see those very residents revert within a very short time to the situation around them which was in place prior to the visit. Sometimes it is literally minutes before things return to the "normality " of before. In the lounge residents "communicate" in a way which seems almost mysterious to the onlooker and yet that is a fact and it sustains a damaged brain, a dementia mind during those hours or days when family members are absent. In other words, there is ongoing 'contentment 'when you are not there, because there is no recollection, unless reminded. This is the only ' positive' aspect of dementia. Short term memory eliminates a lingering anxiety or sense of loss. Nothing is black and white of course and each story is different. But it remains something of a comforting factor to know that things are not necessarily negative or dismal as a given.

There will always be days when things are not so rosy and they can knock one off that calm and collected perch.

I can see now, my late mother on the very day she was admitted into Care as an emergency case. Bewildered, lost, vacant eyes and myself, physically and mentally exhausted and frankly heartbroken. Then, around three months later and l see myself arriving at the Home, creeping into the lounge and sitting down beside my Mother and simply offering up a chocolate as l opened up the conversation just as if l had never left the room. She would smile " oh, how lovely!" take the chocolate with glee and we would chat, often for an hour or so. When meal times came l would leave, knowing all was well. Thus, l am really saying that the initial experience in question, whilst extremely challenging and most certainly painful at the start, does " settle" as oneself adapts to the reality. Just as long as one retains the credo of "best interests " at all times, then the dementia journey can be an uplifting one..... even when accompanied with tears.
Thank you for taking the time to reply. I am certainly learning about “best interests” very quickly and realising that things will never be perfect. I seem to have been battling and looking for that for the last two years but the reality now was it was never going to be there. Just now looking forward to quality visits and being a daughter again rather than someone mentally exhausted trying to be a Carer, social worker, doctor, cleaner...and punch bag.
Hi, I’ve just been reading all your comments and I have to say it’s really good to hear that I’m not alone in what is happening. My dad died in April and was mum’s main carer. It’s been so difficult as we didn’t realise how much dad did and covered up. She’s since been in hospital twice and now we’ve been told she lacks capacity to make her own decisions and has been put in the ‘at risk at home’ category. They won’t let her out as a result of this. She’s had four carers a day, had sensors fitted and access to care on call but it still wasn’t enough. We are now looking into finding residential care and the guilt I’m feeling is overwhelming., especially as I feel I’ve let my dad down and that maybe I should’ve moved in with her. As with some of you, I’m the one who gets all mum’s anxiety and upset when she sees or hears me but with others she’s absolutely fine with. There have been occasions where I’ve had to leave because of it and know that if we did live together, it would be awful as I seem to get her back up even though I’m the one she always asks or calls for.
just reading some of your comments has really helped so thank you.
I feel for you. That guilt of should I have moved in is massive. It’s so consuming. And being the one who deals with all the anxiety is exhausting. Over the last few weeks I have felt that I would never lose that guilt. But after yesterday I feel just a glimmer of hope that I will. I have also had a counselling session which I would highly recommend. But the biggest thing is the support on here....when you are in the thick of it you are convinced it’s only happening to you, and even maybe that you yourself are making it worse then you realise you are not alone and all you are feeling is normal it really helps. Moving loved ones into a care home is a rough ride but I know now it was right for Mum. Keep posting on here, it will get you through. And take care of yourself.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,434
South coast
Im so glad to hear that you had a good visit with your mum @Sarah1208 . It really helps when you can see for yourself that they are settling. You will get good days and bad days, of course, but you will begin to relax and feel better about it all even on a bad day
xx
 

Katie9247

New member
Jul 15, 2020
2
I really feel for you it’s so hard. I was the same, 4 carer visits, sensors, support from me but it just wasn’t enough. Mums anxiety was breaking her and breaking me. And then the care home with Covid and lockdown thrown in to make everything worse. It’s been a rough ride, I thought bringing up two kids and putting them through uni was tough but this was another level. I think the biggest thing I’m learning is not to look for perfection. It’s never going to be perfect but hang on to the bits of positive and hope that they get you through.
Thanks Sarah, my mum’s anxieties would definitely have been our downfall. Trying to look for the positives is something I’m trying really hard to find and focus on and I’m hoping in a few months, I might have some resemblance of a mother daughter relationship back (although I know it won’t be the same) hang in there
 

Graybiker

Registered User
Oct 3, 2017
217
County Durham
I am so very pleased, for you both.
We found the carers exceptionally good at learning how to interact with a particular resident. Obviously it takes a little time, but they’ll get there. Mam stopped recognising me as her daughter, thought I was her cousin or a friend, but she still always gave me a big smile, huge hug & was delighted to see me.
Fyi, in the final 18 months of mam’s 2 year stay, good visits happened 90% of the time. I’m aware this won’t be the case for everyone, but it does happen.
I sincerely hope your good visits are continuing
X
 

Forum statistics

Threads
116,167
Messages
1,699,040
Members
66,986
Latest member
hjc1972