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Mum with alzheimer's

emmadisney21

New member
Oct 27, 2020
2
Hi I'm only 35 and my mum has alzheimer's it has been made especially harder because of coronavirus. At the beginning of coronavirus she knew who me and my family were but when I saw her a couple of months ago she didnt know who we were. I'm finding it hard to cope with not seeing her and that leading to her not knowing who we are I feel all hope is lost and I'm going through the devastation of losing my mum everyday again and again as I know she is still here but she is not here in the same way I feel hopelessly lost and dont find it easy to talk to anyone my dad is in denial and I wish I was too. Thanks for listening x
 

nellbelles

Volunteer Host
Nov 6, 2008
8,899
leicester
Hello @Emma.Martin21 welcome to DTP I’m sorry to hear you are having to go through this at such a young age..
I’m sure it is very difficult not seeing your Mum at this difficult time
I’m sorry your dad is in denial and unable to help You through this difficult time ,,,
I hope now you have found the forum you will continue to post this is a friendly and supportive forum
 

Whisperer

Registered User
Mar 27, 2017
231
Dear @Emma.Martin21

Welcome to this forum. It sounds like you have had a brutal emotional introduction to Dementia. What you are experiencing is called “Anticipatory Grief”. Please goggle and look up the fact sheet on this site for more detail. A name in itself does not relieve the pain but it may help you to know you are not alone with the feelings.

I live with my mum and doing so makes matters no better than looking on from a far. Mum at times mixes me up with her mum, dad or deceased husband. At present just temporary moments of confusion, but no doubt they will develop over time into much worse. I am 61yo and in bad moments believe me the myth of the wisdom of age is just that. Whether your 61yo or 35yo it still hurts. So distance or age makes little difference in case you may have moments thinking it would be better to be older and wiser or nearer to your mum.

It sounds like you are close to your mum. What I am about to suggest is said to try and help you, very much not to cause further upset. If it will not work for you please ignore. Your sense of loss is caused by losing the mum you had, the one you loved over the years. I can make a suggestion, a shot in the dark, but I do not know you. It might strike a chord with you or be miles away from what you need.

1) Start a journal with things you remember about your mum. When you did something wrong as a kid she told you off, but in later years you laughed together about it. Going on shopping trips together. Did you talk about your boyfriends together. Shared chats on fashion, preparing meals, nights out, fun perhaps with your children if you have any. It might be painful early on but you are building a real picture of your mum pre Dementia. Something you can always refer to in the future, a way of keeping your mum in mind before her illness. My mum has a few sayings which she has always muttered to herself (could have gone better, now what is next on the agenda for today). Reading them off the page I can hear her voice, make connections with funny past moments. Please give it a try.

2) Dad being in denial is not great but it is his coping mechanism at least for now. No doubt he is dealing with a lot so try and remain supportive. He is losing the love of his life, no easy matter. Now the hard part for yourself. We would all like our loved ones back as they were pre Dementia. The tough part of caring for them is to appreciate two difficult but very true points. Firstly under all the rubbish of Dementia our loved one, or part of them is still there. Secondly they need our love, support, compassion, etc, more now than ever. Dementia is a fog which grows ever denser and wider, but for many sufferers there are periods when they become more lucid, more like their old selves. We have to accept it is there even in the fog and exercise love, patience, forgiveness, etc, when it would be the easy thing to run for the hills. There is a thread on here which sets out what is called “compassionate communication”. Hopefully one of the volunteer hosts can post a link for you. Please understand it is a guide to aim for, only a saint could achieve it all.

Well there ends the ramblings of an aging emotionally challenged male. Hope they can do you some good. Please continue to use this Forum. There are so many things which come along holding Dementia’s hands, as I am sure it is a multi limbed enemy. You are not alone in your sense of loss. Good luck with the future.
 

Kellyr

Registered User
Aug 8, 2020
105
Hi @Emma.Martin21 its so hard to find any positives at the present time. It must be really hard on you, being quite young as well. My Mums in a carehome and not being able to see her is destroying me really. Being abit older, Im feeling the strain on my own health and all the stress is so bad for everyone, physically and mentally. I worry every day about what my Mum is going through but there are brief times when I think or hope shes much less affected by the seperation than I am, thanks to the dementia. The only glimmer of hope with regard to seeing our loved ones again, is that Rights for Residents (and other organisations and charities), are working really hard to try and get normal visiting re instated as soon as possible. If you havent already done so, check them out on Facebook as then at least, you will know youre not alone in this terrible situation. Take care 🙂
 

emmadisney21

New member
Oct 27, 2020
2
Hi @Emma.Martin21 its so hard to find any positives at the present time. It must be really hard on you, being quite young as well. My Mums in a carehome and not being able to see her is destroying me really. Being abit older, Im feeling the strain on my own health and all the stress is so bad for everyone, physically and mentally. I worry every day about what my Mum is going through but there are brief times when I think or hope shes much less affected by the seperation than I am, thanks to the dementia. The only glimmer of hope with regard to seeing our loved ones again, is that Rights for Residents (and other organisations and charities), are working really hard to try and get normal visiting re instated as soon as possible. If you havent already done so, check them out on Facebook as then at least, you will know youre not alone in this terrible situation. Take care 🙂
Thank you