Mum will be going into care

Discussion in 'Middle - later stages of dementia' started by Emily M, Apr 15, 2015.

  1. Emily M

    Emily M Registered User

    Jan 20, 2015
    It has got to the point now that my mum is to go into care. The reason for this is that my step father can no longer cope with the demands of looking after her and it is considered that the situation at present puts both of them at considerable risk, particularly as he is a diabetic with other health problems. Extra help in the home is not an option, as the house is not fit for purpose, especially with her IBS, and the hygiene issues associated with it that are getting out of control.

    It would not be a problem, but every attempt to get mum into respite in the past has failed. She even refused to go to a day care centre and became very disorientated, agitated and aggressive.

    It is a very fine line between her free choice and safeguarding her and her husband. I am very upset at the prospect as it feels that we are going behind her back but everyone agrees that this is the best, in fact the only, option.

    I can only hope that she settles. At present she sometimes thinks she is not in her own house and asks to be taken home, so I hope after a short time she will accept the situation and not notice the change.

    Does anyone have any thoughts on this and experiences that you can share?
  2. MissDiane

    MissDiane Registered User

    Oct 18, 2013
    Emily, my heart goes out to you as I am also in the same predicament, and I know how you must be feeling and the turmoil you must have in your mind over this.

    My mum has advanced Dementia and my dad can no longer cope, and we have considered all options and the only one left now is a care home. Mum refused daycare, sitters, breaks at my house,which ultimately forced us into this horrible predicament as dad is so exhausted having little to no respite. Dad is mums carer 24/7. He is also Diabetic, and has other health problems of his own, and he rings me often to say can no longer carry on caring.

    I have talked to mum about a home, and sometimes she considers it and has even looked at a couple with me, but then the feelings take over of why should she have to leave her home and her husband and she refuses to go.

    So we are stuck, the mental health nurse questioned mum over her decision and mum was very clear that she wanted to stay home, and moving would cause her too much distress.

    The CPN said we cannot force mum into care even for respite. I feel it is a safeguarding issue as they are becoming aggressive with each other. No one seems to be able to help. We've asked for an allocated social worker weeks ago and still waiting. Yesterday, we were promised someone would be in touch soon.

    I feel incredibly guilty I am even pursuing this but I genuinely feel it is both their best interests to be apart, and for mum to get the care she deserves, and dad has a right to some quality of life. Maybe that sounds selfish I don't know. It is a horrible situation. Mum is often confused about where she is in her own home too. I'm sure she would settle into a home if I could only find the right one.

    Sorry I have no advice but maybe knowing you are not alone helps a little.
  3. Emily M

    Emily M Registered User

    Jan 20, 2015

    Hello Diane

    Thank you for replying. There is no ideal outcome, only the one that offers the best choice in the circumstances. One consolation for you is that your mum did at least look at some homes so the seeds may have been sown, so to speak.

    My mum has never accepted that she has Alzheimer's. She got violent when they tried to get her into respite, though she initially agreed to go. She willingly agreed to come to stay with us and after we drove the 160 miles she only stayed a couple of hours then became hysterical and we had to drive her home the same night! She does accept a sitter/carer, though. In the early stages she used to go out walking with the carer, but this no longer happens.

    It is not possible to force someone into a home if they refuse and that seems to be the case with your mum. I may be wrong but it seems at present she does not pose a risk. I think the turning point is when there is a real threat to individual safety of the sufferer and the carer. If they refuse to go then they have to be sectioned. Had my step father said he was prepared to carry on goodness knows how bad it would have had to become before they would have intervened.

    I hope that you do find the right home for your mum before crisis point is reached.
  4. Blackfield

    Blackfield Registered User

    Mar 8, 2015
    Today my dad goes into a Care Home as my 85 year old mum can no longer cope with him. He knows nothing about this and as far as he's concerned there is absolutely nothing wrong with him and has no idea that he is slowly killing my mum who has tried so hard over the last few years to handle him. Crisis point came 5 weeks ago and it was a clear decision, mum or dad. As dad's Alzheimer's is quite advanced then it was not a difficult one to make.

    I don't feel guilty as I know it's the right decision but I do find it very sad that after 63 years of marriage it ends like this. At least my mum will be able to enjoy her last few years and the Home will take good care of dad who is probably at the stage where he'll never be truly happy again.
  5. Emily M

    Emily M Registered User

    Jan 20, 2015

    Thank you for your reply Blackfield

    I think your last sentence says it all. There is no reason to feel guilty, but the over-riding feeling that all their enjoyable life has passed is overwhelming. I think of what my mother has been and the anguish she may go through. I am struggling to think of something positive to say. In Mum's case it is her dignity which will be better served in the home. She used to be so particular about her clothes and appearance and that has all gone because my step father is unable to cope with the demanding task of looking after her. Maybe some dignity will return.

    My husband has just made an interesting point; he says that the way we perceive happiness is not the same as someone with Alzheimer's as those links in their brain have gone. Will your father or my mother be unhappy? Maybe not.

    I hope the move goes well with your dad. Perhaps things will be better than you think. Let us know how he gets on. Good luck.

  6. Girlonthehill

    Girlonthehill Registered User

    Jan 1, 2015
    Hi Emily, my mum went into a home on Sunday. It has been coming for a while. She has Lewy Body dementia which is an aggressive type and she has been truly awful to my dad. Well, not really my dad because she doesn't know who he is. She shouts at him for wearing her husbands clothes, she told the neighbours that he was beating her up - he wasn't. Anyway it all came to a head on Sunday when dad had a suspected stroke and was taken into hospital. There is no way she could be at home on her own, I can't look after her full time as I have just had a major operation so I called the home we had chosen and they had a room and they took her in straight away after some subterfuge to get her there. She does not know she has dementia. In her mind everyone else is wrong, everyone is out to get her. She rarely has loving moments like my mum really was.
    I have to believe that she is in the best place, safe. Good food, great care. It was a straight choice between her and my dad, she was killing him. He has had 2 strokes now probably caused by the stress of looking after her.

    He came home from hospital yesterday and is finding it hard without her. He knows it was awful but he feels so guilty that he is at home and she isn't . My biggest nightmare is that he caves in and brings her home.kt is their 66 wedding anniversary at the end of this month.

    We did not tell mum where she was going, told her we were going out for a drive,stopped off for a cup of tea (at the home) I told her she was going to stay there while I went to see dad at hospital. I broke my heart as I left cos I knew I wasn't going back. Four days in she is settling, sleeping at night now in her own bed in her own room. first couple of nights she wandered all night long. The home have said not to go on for two weeks to give her a chance to settle which is hard.
    She now has family pictures and personal things around her which must help but I keep thinking how frightened she must be... Then I think is she any more frightened there than she was at home with a man she didn't know. I have no idea what is going on in her head. Even at her own home she sometimes would fall asleep, wake up and not know where she was and get angry demanding to be taken home.

    We are fully self funding so were able to choose a good home and make all the decisions ourselves without involving social services at all. Really all they did was give us a book full of homes and suggest we visit a few!

    I don't feel guilty about putting her in the home - should I? What i did feel was overwhelming relief that someone else could take care of her. Does that make me a bad daughter? I don't think so. I can now give the attention she has been getting to my dad who in many ways needs it more.
    Don't know if my ramblings have helped anyone, I hope so
  7. Emily M

    Emily M Registered User

    Jan 20, 2015

    Hi Girlonthehill

    Thank you for replying. I think perhaps it gives me some hope by what you say. Maybe my mum will settle in time. My mum seems to be at a more advanced stage than yours. Christmas 2013 I made a photo album for her with copies of all her old pictures and labels to help her memory. She used to love that album. Now she hardly looks at it and started tearing up some of the pictures. She will be going to an EMI home. She is on Risperidone anyway and I should imagine that they may have to increase this if she gets aggressive. It is all uncharted territory - we will have to see.

    Unfortunately she has only limited savings and they don't not own a house so it will be a matter of what the LA is prepared to fund. That could be another headache and from I hear it is a minefield in itself.
  8. Babymare01

    Babymare01 Registered User

    Apr 22, 2015
    Hello there
    Like you, when we made the decision for mum to go into a CH I also felt guilt - still do at times - but it was for mums safety and I was able to move mum nearer to me so I can see her almost everyday. At first mum would ask to go home but I said ( ok untruth I know) she needed good care to get well. In time she just asked if the house was still there - which it was at time- but in time even this question stopped. I was lucky in sense at time mum seemed to be settled most of time and the staff were brilliant getting her involved in cleaning, sweeping even the laundery which helped to keep mum occupied. Sadly now her condition has deteririated so much now. I was always brought up not to lie to my parents but I found some little untruths help ( hope that makes sense) and by telling mum that she was only there to get better seemed to help
    Hugs x

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