Mum went missing, what happens next????

[Heliotropic1]

Mum left her house yesterday having emptied the freezer and put food all round the kitchen, left the front door open and went to ''help a girl'' she walked miles and miles and the carer was just about to call the police when she managed to find Mum by car.
I spoke to Mum who said that is the last time she will help the girl (who she couldn't name) but told me where she had walked looking for this girl.
She then went on to ask me an absolutely horrifying question that did I think my sisters son had ever been sexually abused. I couldn't believe she would think that.

My worry is now what will happen today with carers and social workers, it's apparent that she is now a danger to herself. Does anyone have any idea what may happen? Is she likely to be sectioned?

I'm due to fly back to visit Mum for 10 days but now I'm worried 10 days will not be long enough.

I am 3 hours ahead here and it just feels awful.

 

[CarerForMum]

Mum left her house yesterday having emptied the freezer and put food all round the kitchen, left the front door open and went to ''help a girl'' she walked miles and miles and the carer was just about to call the police when she managed to find Mum by car.
I spoke to Mum who said that is the last time she will help the girl (who she couldn't name) but told me where she had walked looking for this girl.
She then went on to ask me an absolutely horrifying question that did I think my sisters son had ever been sexually abused. I couldn't believe she would think that.

My worry is now what will happen today with carers and social workers, it's apparent that she is now a danger to herself. Does anyone have any idea what may happen? Is she likely to be sectioned?

I'm due to fly back to visit Mum for 10 days but now I'm worried 10 days will not be long enough.

I am 3 hours ahead here and it just feels awful.

No she wont be sectioned. This happened with my mother. I recommend that someone calls the Local Authority in her town. Ask for Adult Living or Social Services. A Social Worker will come out and discuss the situation with the person and a family member, they can provide help in the way of sensors on doors, wristbands (with a gps). Where possible they prefer not to put people into care.

Remember each Local Authority works differently and offer different solutions, so what I've stated above might be totally different in her area.

If your family think it is in mum's best interest, then a care home. This is means tested. If mum has assets/finances then the care cost and choosing a care home - is up to the family. If she has no assets/finances, then they will come up with a solution and in the meantime, she will be placed under crisis/respite while a care home is found. Crisis/respite is in a normal care home for dementia suffers.

A link to care homes in the UK https://www.carehome.co.uk/ you just complete the area, dementia search and can find suitable care homes.

 

[Beate]

To be honest with you, wandering is a huge safety risk, and if that person is living on their own, tracker devices can only do so much. The best solution probably would be a care home but I guess SS will want to try other methods first, due to costs.

 

[marionq]

Involving the police can be a positive thing as they must report to social services. A few years ago when my husband regularly had to be picked up by me, strangers, police and many good people the SS decided he had to go into a care home for his own safety. In fact I have kept him at home but with changed arrangements. He is not allowed anywhere on his own, he takes quite high doses of Trazadone ie 200/250 mg a day, and he goes four days a week to a daycentre which gives him company and tires him out.

The period where he was compelled to wander was the worst I have experienced and my sympathies are with anyone going through this

 

[Heliotropic1]

No she wont be sectioned. This happened with my mother. I recommend that someone calls the Local Authority in her town. Ask for Adult Living or Social Services. A Social Worker will come out and discuss the situation with the person and a family member, they can provide help in the way of sensors on doors, wristbands (with a gps). Where possible they prefer not to put people into care.

Remember each Local Authority works differently and offer different solutions, so what I've stated above might be totally different in her area.

If your family think it is in mum's best interest, then a care home. This is means tested. If mum has assets/finances then the care cost and choosing a care home - is up to the family. If she has no assets/finances, then they will come up with a solution and in the meantime, she will be placed under crisis/respite while a care home is found. Crisis/respite is in a normal care home for dementia suffers.

A link to care homes in the UK https://www.carehome.co.uk/ you just complete the area, dementia search and can find suitable care homes.

Thank you for your kind words and explaining to me what will happen. Due to fly Monday. I hope to hear from the carers and ss later.

 

[Heliotropic1]

Involving the police can be a positive thing as they must report to social services. A few years ago when my husband regularly had to be picked up by me, strangers, police and many good people the SS decided he had to go into a care home for his own safety. In fact I have kept him at home but with changed arrangements. He is not allowed anywhere on his own, he takes quite high doses of Trazadone ie 200/250 mg a day, and he goes four days a week to a daycentre which gives him company and tires him out.

The period where he was compelled to wander was the worst I have experienced and my sympathies are with anyone going through this

She lives on her own, I'm not sure if that will make any difference to SS. Just playing the waiting game as I am 3 hours time difference ahead here. Awful situation.

 

[LadyA]

If your mum is living alone, I have to be honest, I agree with Beate. Sensors etc. can only do so much. The sensor might alert someone that she is leaving the house. So what? If there is no one there to stop her, she could be long gone by the time anyone gets there. Wandering, and walking for miles, whether during the day or by night, puts your mum very seriously at risk. People with dementia have died because they were not found after wandering and getting lost, and not being found. It happened here in Ireland a couple of years ago, a lady in her 60s. Walking her dog, as she did every day, in the city of Dublin. One day, didn't get home. She got lost. She was picked up on cctv all over the place, but couldn't be found, and was found dead several days later, where she had just lain down from exhaustion in a quiet place, with her little dog beside her. The dog was alive, but died a short while later. In my opinion, it's a risk you just can't take.

As for what she asked about your sisters, who knows? It may be something she has picked up from tv, news reports, or it could be something she heard as a child. Who knows? All you can do is reassure her that everything is ok. You will take care of it, and she doesn't need to worry.

 

[Heliotropic1]

If your mum is living alone, I have to be honest, I agree with Beate. Sensors etc. can only do so much. The sensor might alert someone that she is leaving the house. So what? If there is no one there to stop her, she could be long gone by the time anyone gets there. Wandering, and walking for miles, whether during the day or by night, puts your mum very seriously at risk. People with dementia have died because they were not found after wandering and getting lost, and not being found. It happened here in Ireland a couple of years ago, a lady in her 60s. Walking her dog, as she did every day, in the city of Dublin. One day, didn't get home. She got lost. She was picked up on cctv all over the place, but couldn't be found, and was found dead several days later, where she had just lain down from exhaustion in a quiet place, with her little dog beside her. The dog was alive, but died a short while later. In my opinion, it's a risk you just can't take.

As for what she asked about your sisters, who knows? It may be something she has picked up from tv, news reports, or it could be something she heard as a child. Who knows? All you can do is reassure her that everything is ok. You will take care of it, and she doesn't need to worry.

She spoke to a people but I suppose no one thought to ask her was she okay, who knows. I've told her why would she think that about her Grandchild and that he was perfectly fine. I always reassure her when she hallucinates too, last week dead people were coming through her phone.
I will wait to hear what can be done to keep her safe. Waiting for emails and calls and feeling pretty useless.

 

[Heliotropic1]

To be honest with you, wandering is a huge safety risk, and if that person is living on their own, tracker devices can only do so much. The best solution probably would be a care home but I guess SS will want to try other methods first, due to costs.

She would have to pay for a home as she is over the threshold of savings. I think the time has come for her to be safe in a home. However sorting all this and her house is going to take months and I have three children living here. Not going to be easy.

 

[Chemmy]

First, I think it's important not to panic. Your mum was found, none the worse for wear, it seems. Not every episode of wandering is going to end in a tragedy and not everyone who suffers with dementia should necessarily be placed under 'house arrest'. Life is not without risks, and it's all about striking a balance.

My mum wouldn't stay in the house (she lived alone) and I was 120mls away, so during her final summer, I took the decision to let her have her last taste of freedom, and to this day, I have no idea what she got up to, but I do know buses were involved. And people are, on the whole, very kind. If you can ensure she has some identification on her, and perhaps make the local police aware of her, then if she gets lost, hopefully she can be escorted home relatively easily.

However, once I got a report that Mum had been seen wandering around the town centre as the nights drew in, I knew the time had come to consider a care home, where she could be supervised 24/7.

Perhaps it might be a good idea to start researching local CHs before you travel so you have a shortlist to visit whilst you are over here next week? That way you have made a start on a contingency plan, ahead of any crisis decision.

 

[Heliotropic1]

First, I think it's important not to panic. Your mum was found, none the worse for wear, it seems. Not every episode of wandering is going to end in a tragedy and not everyone who suffers with dementia should necessarily be placed under 'house arrest'. Life is not without risks, and it's all about striking a balance.

My mum wouldn't stay in the house (she lived alone) and I was 120mls away, so during her final summer, I took the decision to let her have her last taste of freedom, and to this day, I have no idea what she got up to, but I do know buses were involved. And people are, on the whole, very kind. If you can ensure she has some identification on her, and perhaps make the local police aware of her, then if she gets lost, hopefully she can be escorted home relatively easily.

However, once I got a report that Mum had been seen wandering around the town centre as the nights drew in, I knew the time had come to consider a care home, where she could be supervised 24/7.

Perhaps it might be a good idea to start researching local CHs before you travel so you have a shortlist to visit whilst you are over here next week? That way you have made a start on a contingency plan, ahead of any crisis decision.

That's a good idea to look in to it, I have a friend who is a carer in Mum's home town and knows the reputation of the homes. I can ask her.

I know she gets up in the night because she hears the doorbell, I witnessed that last time we stayed. Trouble is she thinks I am plotting against her so it will be difficult to approach the subject.

Thank you for taking time to write to me, your words are of comfort.

 

[Chemmy]

I don't think I'd be inclined to discuss things with her - chances are, like just about everyone else, she'll never agree. Your responsibilities are to ensure her needs are met, not her wants. If you ask yourself the question "Is this in her best interests?" when you need to make a decision, you won't go far wrong.

Personal recommendations for care homes are a good way forward. Ask around and visit as many of the ones that take dementia residents as you can when you're over here. You'll know very quickly whether it's going to be right or not. The attitude of the staff is far more important than the decor. Turn up mid-morning or mid-afternoon (avoiding mealtimes and shift handovers at 2pm) unannounced and see how you're treated.

Forward planning helped me. I had mum's CH lined up six months before I made the final decision. Then it was just a case of a phone call to request the next available vacancy when the time was right.

Let us know how it goes.

 

[Heliotropic1]

I don't think I'd be inclined to discuss things with her - chances are, like just about everyone else, she'll never agree. Your responsibilities are to ensure her needs are met, not her wants. If you ask yourself the question "Is this in her best interests?" when you need to make a decision, you won't go far wrong.

Personal recommendations for care homes are a good way forward. Ask around and visit as many of the ones that take dementia residents as you can when you're over here. You'll know very quickly whether it's going to be right or not. The attitude of the staff is far more important than the decor. Turn up mid-morning or mid-afternoon (avoiding mealtimes and shift handovers at 2pm) unannounced and see how you're treated.

Forward planning helped me. I had mum's CH lined up six months before I made the final decision. Then it was just a case of a phone call to request the next available vacancy when the time was right.

Let us know how it goes.

Yes, you are right. It's forher best interest and I've asked my friend to look in to some homes for me.
Good idea about turning up unannounced too, see them in their real flow of work.
Some sound so grim like trips to the garden centre as an outing.
I'll let you know if I hear from SS or the carers today. So far nothing which to me is unacceptable. x x

 

[Chemmy]

Don't forget that the person with dementia won't look at the place with your eyes. You probably wouldn't want to live in any of them, but they are far less likely to bother about the décor, facilities such as en-suites and the other less able residents if the staff are chatty and friendly. If you can, meet the activities co-ordinator, as I found they are often the key to a good atmosphere.

It got to the stage that my mum didn't need 'stuff' ie. belongings any more, same with my MIL now. All they want is to feel part of a community.

We went down to see my MIL the weekend before last and I can't believe the difference in her physically from three years ago. Back then she was malnourished, lonely and paranoid about the neighbours, and quite frankly, looked like a Quentin Blake illustration in a Roald Dahl book (and not in a good way).

She has now put on weight, is clean and generally calm and I swear she looks a good ten years younger than her 90 years. She still says she'd rather be 'home' but the whole family now agrees that the move was the best thing she could have done - for her and for us.

 

[Lancashirelady]

How true, Chemmy. Carers can so often be seduced by fancy décor and en-suites but what the PWD needs is somewhere cosy and homely with caring staff. MY mum's CH is like this and although there are minor things I would challenge I have no qualms about her staying there. The staff have all been there for years and are invariably kind and caring - much more valuable than upmarket surroundings.

On the topic on wandering - my Mum used to get very lonely and although she didn't wander far she used to pester the neighbours, with varying responses. Her neighbour at one side, a widower, was just rude to her, while the couple at the other side were lovely. However, they went away a lot and the wife used to worry herself silly about what was happening to Mum, not to mention how I felt without someone to let me know what was going on. In the end it was far better for everyone when Mum went to a CH.

 

[Amy in the US]

Heliotropic, is it possible to consider care homes near where you live? I wonder if it would give you peace of mind to have your mum closer to you. (Apologies if that's not possible.)

The thing that matters most at a care home, is the level of care and the people giving it. Don't be swayed by flashy extras or shiny new decor that aren't going to matter to the residents. My mother's care home isn't fancy, but it's clean, well maintained, and the staff really care about, as well as for, the residents. It's often overlooked for fancier facilities nearby, where I wouldn't leave a dog, let alone my mother.

Garden center outings are perfect for a PWD (person with dementia)! I wish we had those here in the States. My mother would enjoy looking at all the flowers, and then we could have cake and coffee in the cafe. No such thing in my neck of the woods, however.

It's not a tragedy if the police are called, and in fact, you might want to let the local police know that she has already wandered once. That way, if she is found without ID, they will know whom to call and where to take her. Reports here on TP are overwhelmingly positive about the police and how they manage PWDs.

It was a case of wandering (combined with cold temperatures, no coat, injuries, et cetera) that led to my mother being hospitalised (the US version of sectioning), and subsequently her medications being straightened out, health issues diagnosed and treated, and a move into her wonderful care home. It worked out for us.

I'm not saying you want your mother to wander, but if this incident means that she gets the level of care she now needs, and maybe you will get some support also, perhaps in the long run it will work out for you as well. I hope so. Best wishes, and hope you will keep us updated if you feel so inclined and have time.

 

[Kevinl]

Heliotropic, is it possible to consider care homes near where you live? I wonder if it would give you peace of mind to have your mum closer to you. (Apologies if that's not possible.).

Heliotropic is in Abu Dhabi in the middle east (to the east of Saudi Arabia), so it's a big move from the UK and it's a lot different linguistically and culturally.
K

 

[Moggymad]

Hi last night my mum was outside her flat in her nightie telling neighbour that she wants to go home. Home being where she lived as a girl not where she is now. This has been happening a lot in the day waving at people over the balcony saying she's waiting for someone to take her home. Mum lives alone but has carers 3 X daily. Today I have spoken to duty social worker who tried all day to find respite care but to no avail. No room at the inn, neither could she get their usual care agency to provide overnight care, simply no one available. An urgent care review has been requested to reassess for longer term need. Mum will not be self funding so I am not that hopeful for a quick resolution. The neighbours are nice & understanding but should not have to feel responsible for mums safety. I live 7 miles away so have had to give neighbours my contact details to alert me to any more incidents. Hope situation regarding care homes where your mum lives is better than here.

 

[Witzend]

Yes, you are right. It's forher best interest and I've asked my friend to look in to some homes for me.
Good idea about turning up unannounced too, see them in their real flow of work.
Some sound so grim like trips to the garden centre as an outing.
I'll let you know if I hear from SS or the carers today. So far nothing which to me is unacceptable. x x

I know plenty of people without dementia who enjoy trips to garden centres! They often have very nice cafes, never mind all the flowers and greenery, and going out for tea and cake can be an enjoyable outing that's not too long or tiring - with loos thrown in!

My mother's old cleaning lady, who's recently been very ill - she must be 80 odd now but still mentally very sharp - told me recently that her first outing for ages had been when her nephew took her to a garden centre, and how much she'd enjoyed it.

 

[Heliotropic1]

No email from SS or carers or even the occupational therapist which I find sad. I've been waiting for an email from any one of them.


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