Mum went into nursing home today

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by hawaii50, May 24, 2007.

  1. hawaii50

    hawaii50 Registered User

    Well the day eventually arrived where we had to take my mum into a home - and it went as good as we could ever have hoped for!!

    I haven't posted for a while as I have been quite unwell and in a lot of pain these past couple of weeks and mum has deteriorated even more. I have been at my wits end and asked for an emergency appointment with the doctor yesterday to discuss mum. Anyway she agreed to emergency respite care with the intention of it continuing into full time care. I eventually decided to go along with my brother and the rest of his family that mum should go to the local nursing home where my niece works. The doctor agreed to tell mum today as I had an appointment arranged for late morning. My brother went with me and I am sure my mum guessed what we were up to in advance!!! Anyway the doctor asked if she would like to go for a nice break for a few weeks as I was too unwell to look after her at the moment and after a very long silence and encouragement from brother and me she agreed. Two hours later we had her in place in the home (my niece arranged everything yesterday and made her room look nice with box of chocolates etc.) We decided to do it fast while she still remembered that the doctor suggested it!! By tomorrow it would be our fault!!

    My niece drove mum there with myself brother and my husband in separate car. She said to my niece on the way there that she accepted this is what happened to old people like her and that she knew it was for more than two weeks!!
    When we arrived at the home everyone made her feel so important and did all the "doctor" bits like blood pressure temperature etc. She then found that an old schoolfriend that she really had liked was in a room a few doors away together with her husband (she has had a stroke but can still communicate slowly)
    so that made her day that she will be there "taking care of her friend"!!!

    We sat with her a few hours and she could remember that was where her sister had stayed for a couple of months before she died and that she thought the room was just like a hotel and that she was being treated like a princess and thought the doctor had been so thoughtful to arrange for her to go there!!!

    We left as she was being led away for dinner! A lump in our throats but so relieved to know that she didn't make it difficult.

    I know it's probably just the honeymoon period but to me the difficult bit of taking her there is now past. I feel like the weight of the world has been taken off my shoulders as I no longer need to be responsible for all the wobblies she throws every day.

    We are entering a new phase now I gues .......
  2. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    Newport, Gwent
    So very pleased all went well for you today, what a fab doctor you have and what luck that one of mum's friend is also a resident.

    Like me you can now start to enjoy quality time when you visit, and not just cope from crisis to crisis.

    You are quite right to expect the odd wobbly now and then, but with luck, they will be short lived.

    Time to look after yourself now.

  3. alfjess

    alfjess Registered User

    Jul 10, 2006
    south lanarkshire
    Sorry to hear you have been ill, I have wondered how you were getting on.
    Glad you have your Mum sorted out with care and the move went better than expected. Maybe it is for the best that your Mum went to the local home, after all your niece is there to make sure she has the best of care and she has found a friend already.
    I will pm you later, to let you know about the other facility you had considered.
  4. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland

    So pleased that your mum's transfer to NH went so smoothly. Your doctor sounds a gem, and it was great that your niece was able to make all the arrangements in advance.

    I hope you'll be able to take time to recover now, and enjoy peaceful, happy visits with your mum.

    Well done, all concerned.
  5. hawaii50

    hawaii50 Registered User

    Thanks for all your kind replies. I visited tonight and she was very excitable - told us she had been busy all day, been to the shops and the shopping centre, met a police man and all the stories that led to(one of the patients is an ex police lady) and if we thought the stories were wild before I can see now that she has some things to talk about they are going to get even wilder than before!!! Then she told us she was ready to hike back home when she got the chance!!!

    We stayed till bed time, got her into her night dress and put her to bed. I thought she looked so frail and vulnerable and I know what she is like in a strange place for the first time as I took her to Hawaii for three months last year. She gets very hyper and dillusional. Anyway the staff said they will check on her every hour through the night to make sure she is ok. I just need to learn now to let go of the reins.

    Alfjess - sorry we are not co-visitors after all - but in a strange sort of way I think things have actually worked out for the best. Who would have thought a few weeks ago that my own health was going to be the catalyst to move things along!!

    So I am off to bed knowing that I don't have to listen out for the floorboards creaking through the night. The house seems so strange without her - it's her house - I now feel like an interloper and have much sadness that it had to reach this conclusion. I just hope she settles in ok. Will keep you posted.
  6. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    What a lovely way your mother went into care home , sounds so thoughtful

    that what it feel like with my mother at home with me now , can only inmagine what it would feel like with out mum at home all the time , yes please keep sharing , how you both are getting on .
  7. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Dear Elspeth,

    I`m sorry you haven`t been well, I wondered where you were.

    It`s good news about your mother though, I`m sure you would never have thought the decision for residential care would have been made by now. The worst is over.

    I remember that vulnerability when they are left for the first time, it`s comparable to a child`s first day at school. I hope she settles well and you get better soon.

    Does this mean you`ll be planning to return to the States, in the not too distant future?

    Take care

    Love xx
  8. nemesisis

    nemesisis Registered User

    May 25, 2006

    Its a sad time
    but you have done the very best for your mum, you love her and you have done what you can but there comes a point when 24 hour care is best for your mum and you!. I know (because my mum looked after my nan) that your mum wants you to live your own life happy - not guilty -xxxxxxxxxxxxx
  9. fearful fiona

    fearful fiona Registered User

    Apr 19, 2007
    All the best to you hawaii 50, sounds as though it all went so well, and you enjoy your free time now.
  10. DeborahBlythe

    DeborahBlythe Registered User

    Dec 1, 2006
    Hello Elspeth, what you have done for your mum sounds brilliant. Just the right thing at the right time, and a Godsend to have that friend there too. Try not to worry about your mum. I don't think you could have asked for a better set of circumstances, if you see what I mean. ( When my mum moved into her first care home she thought it was amazing that she had returned to the college where she used to be a trainee teacher! Spent many months regaling anyone who would listen with stories about her time there years ago. Of course it wasn't true, but I very soon lost the will to correct her as it was such a convenient mistake and pretty harmless. I think the surroundings must have borne some similarities and it helped to settle her in.) I hope your mum settles in equally well and that you can relax a little now and make a very good recovery of your own health and happiness. Love Deborah
  11. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    Just wanted to say how pleased I am for you that al went well for your Mum's move. Long may it continue!! I do hope you are feeling better too - less stress (and even though you love her dearly, caring is very stressful) should help you make a good recovery. Take care of yourself.
  12. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    Hope that you are soon feeling well, and I am pleased for you that things went so well with your mum, hoping that things continue to go well for you. Taffy.:)
  13. hawaii50

    hawaii50 Registered User

    Thank you all so much for your kind words - I know you so know what I am going through just now.
    I am still in a lot of pain (I have sufferred from a serious jaw complaint for years which I had an operation on then spent 4 years having reconstructive work done in my teeth to correct my bite but have been almost pain free for a couple of years now) so now the stress of it all made me clench my teeth again and I need to learn how to relax again to get it stable (I also have a suspected infection in the roots of one of my teeth which is making it even more painful and so far it is not responding to antibiotics) Anyway enough about me as I am sure with a bit of care and attention from the dentist and me trying to relax we will correct the problem.

    Grannie G - not going back to Hawaii till the end of October as we need to sell and empty mum's house and looks like the above dental problem will lead to me needing two implanted teeth which I need my specialist dentist here to perform as he performed all the reconstructive work already - lots more money needed to pay for it so I need to find a job for a few months as well!!!

    Visited mum this morning and her wee face lit up when she saw myself and SIL arrive - she was in the sitting lounge with the other residents. We went to her room and she chatted away asking us when the bedroom furniture in her room got changed!! She then told us she was having a lovely holiday and everyone was being so nice to her but she needed her purse to pay for everything!! She was looking so well - the carers had taken time to apply her foundation makeup and put on a little lipstick!!! (something I only did when she went to church!!!)
    They started her on anti depressant tablets last night which were prescribed a few weeks ago and I didn't want to cope with potential side affects. She was strangely subdued and hyper at the same time if you could follow that statement!!

    We had left a box of chocolates for her and we found the box empty with all the chocolates stuffed into one of her socks (hiding her stash!) I had to take them back home with me as they were all melted and stuck together!!

    We left her as she sat down for lunch and she was all annoyed that we weren't joining her for lunch - so I think we need to let them lead her away for meals any time we are about to leave at that time of day!! She had breakfast with her old school friend this morning (her friend only goes to dining room for her breakfast as she has had a stroke) Mum's not sure about all the men folk there as she thinks they all fancy her!!!

    I left with a lump in my throat again but so relieved that she is being looked after.

    I will continue to post as I think this is a wonderful forum for everyone to learn from and gain support from. Thanks so much for your ears and eyes and your compassion.

  14. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Dear Elspeth, your mother sounds as if she`s in exactly the right place. She must feel at home if she`s inviting you for lunch.

    At least you will have plenty of time here to allow her to really settle and by the time you are ready to go home, you`ll be able to go with a quiet heart.

    I`m sorry to hear about all your jaw problems. I make a big enough fuss just having dental work, so I wouldn`t like to imagine what you`re having to put up with.

    It`s nice to know you`ll keep posting.

    Take care

    Love xx
  15. Kathleen

    Kathleen Registered User

    Mar 12, 2005
    West Sussex
    Mum has been in residential care for over 2 years now, I still get choked almost every time I leave her there.

    I know it's silly, but I miss her every single day.

    Sadly, my lovely Dad died suddenly at the same time Mum went into the home and although I miss him too, it is somehow easier to bear.

    Maybe because Dad will never be back, but a tiny part of me hopes Mum will.

    Silly really.

  16. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Kathleen, it's not silly.

    Losing your dad at the same time as your mum went into care must have been like a double bereavement for you. Worse, in fact, because you're feeling that bereavement again every time you leave your mum. You're not having chance to heal.

    The fact that you lost your dad makes your mum all the more precious to you.

    The trauma of your accident must also have contributed to your stress.You've had so much to cope with over the last two years.

    I can't take away your pain, but I do understand, and I admire you for the way you have carried on.

  17. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006

    Your mother sounds like mine with wanting a boyfriend and thinking all the men fancy her , its good in a way give her something to think about .

    Sorry to read about your Jaw , I was thinking about implanted teeth. but was very expensive , don't work to hard
  18. hawaii50

    hawaii50 Registered User

    Hi Kathleen
    Sorry you lost your dad when your mum went into the nursing home. That was a double tragedy and I can understand why you get all choked up when you leave your mum.
    We lost my dad three years ago and really we lost my mum at the same time - only her body is still here!! My dad was so disabled after his stroke that we all felt relieved that he was spared more misery - four to five months in hospital was so hard to watch. I don't think we even grieved properly for dad as we probably grieved watching him before he died. Then mum became a full time job and we still never grieved properly for him.
    I have now spent the last three years grieving for my mum while she is still alive it seems to strange to grieve before you actually loose them but I am sure so many of you know what I am talking about.
    At least when I give mum a kiss before she goes to sleep or now when I leave her in the nursing home she is still my mum!
  19. hawaii50

    hawaii50 Registered User

    Visited mum today and she was strangely subdued - obviously the anti-depressant tablets kicking in. She talked non stop for an hour and I didn't understand anything that she told me so I just smiled and agreed at appropriate moments!! She carries her toy cat everywhere and the other two toys stay in her room - they are her friends and she gets great comfort from them - they are sharing her every moment and get to know all her secrets!

    She thinks she has been there for weeks and never asks once about her home or if we are going to take her away. No doubt that is still to come.

    She fell asleep in the lounge yesterday before dinner and they couldn't waken her up (the same as we had experienced twice over the past few weeks). They reckon it was another TIA - they took her blood pressure when they couldn't waken her and it was high (I did the same at home and it was also high) and they also did another test with her foot and they concluded it was probably a TIA. A couple of hours later she was fine and blood pressure back to normal

    My nephew went to visit this evening and she recognised him and told everyone that this was her grandson - then got his name wrong! Then as they went off to her room she told him to walk slowly so that everyone could get a good look at how handsome he is!!! Obviously still the proud grandma!!

    I have such mixed feelings walking around her house (of course we need to live here as we no longer have our own home in this country) and still feel as if I am tresspassing!! I know we have done the right thing but feel awful that in the end she had no say in the matter - we just whisked her off in an instant from a home she has lived in for over 50 years! How sad is this disease?? I just drew solace from the fact that my dad had no choice either when he had his stroke he was taken into hospital never to return home either. I sometimes forget that AD is a terminal illness albeit a slow one and the time comes when things deteriorate beyond our ability to cope.

    Thankfully the painkillers are working for my jaw and I have had a bit of relief from severe pain today.

    Thanks for sharing this journey with me.

  20. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Dear Elspeth, I`ll be surprised if it does come. I feel your mother has settled and believes she is at home.

    I sincerely hope so.

    Love xx

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