Mum went into full time care yesterday - I can't stop crying

[betsie]

Mum went into the care home yesterday. She thinks I am on holiday and I told her I booked her into a hotel for a Mother's Day treat.
I have phoned the home a few times and apparently she is fine and doing ok.
I on the other hand am a total wreck. I can't stop crying, I feel so guilty. I keep imagining her in her bedroom at night wondering where she is and why she is there.

I am so used to organising my whole life around her, seeing her twice a day and phoning her, I feel so lost.

My sister is going to visit mothers day and I will go next week when I am back from the imaginary holiday but I am already stressing over the next lot of lies as she will be expecting to go home. I'm not survive done the right thing.

 

[MimoMilo]

Been in similar situation over past few months. I feel once everything is settled I will start to see the way forward in a positive way and you probably will too. Your mum is there due to an illness that you did not inflict on her, you are keeping her safe. My mum doesn't know it's permanent but she seems to have just accepted it at the moment. I feel better knowing if she's having a bad day there are people there constantly, no more feeling vulnerable, wandering at night, not eating, getting lost. Try to look at the positives and please don't feel guilt or beat yourself over it. Sending best wishes xxxx

 

[angecmc]

You are still there caring for your Mum, you just now have people helping you which hopefully will allow you to have some quality time with your Mum instead of having all the unpleasant jobs to do. Try to think of some nice things you can do with your Mum when you visit, like take in a cream tea to share, watch a film together or some nail varnish to do her nails of course it depends on what your Mum is able to tolerate. Have a ready excuse as to why you are having to leave, I usually say I am off to work or a doctors appointment and I always say see you later rather than see you tomorrow, I think of it as love lies as I never thought I would ever lie to my Mum, but needs must. You will get good and bad visits but cherish those good ones. Xx

Ange

 

[Stevey]

I keep imagining her in her bedroom at night wondering where she is and why she is there.

This is perhaps one of the worst feelings I have about mum being in the care home. She never did sleep well at home (hence why my dad struggled with her) and I always imagine her getting up, feeling scared, wandering around in the cold looking for help, wanting to use the toilet and making a mess... *sigh* I think we (her family) all feel quite guilty actually. It's an awful feeling.

My heart goes out to you, and hope your emotions settle and you get used to how things are.

 

[Angel Eyes]

Sending hugs betsie I absolutely know how you feel as mum moved to a nursing home at the end of Jan. You will have thought long and hard before moving your mum so please trust yourself. You made this decision out of love for your mum and wanting her to have the support she needs. We want to be 'all things to all people' but sometimes we just cant and hard though it is we have to trust someone else to take over day to day care
At home my mum was pretty much bedbound following a hospital stay but within days of moving into care she was up and dressed and looking so much brighter. I honestly believe it is because she feels safe knowing someone is there all the time.
When I went in yesterday she had freshly painted nails and today I dropped in at lunchtime to find her in the small dining room with 3 other ladies about to tuck into lunch - they even had a small glass of wine!!
Mum has never been a very sociable person and has spent the last year since dad moved into care, home alone. It is lovely to see her starting to engage again and although I still feel guilty I know she's in the right place. I really hope that you will feel this too. You have had a huge part of your daily routine taken away - give yourself time to get used to it x

 

[JayneB6367]

Betsie, poor you, I have so much sympathy. My Mother went into a home last October and I think it was the worst I have ever felt, worse even than losing Dad as it feels like a loss but with such an enormous amount of guilt.

I can tell you though it was the best things we did. Mum is happy, healthy, has colour back in her cheeks, has lost the agitation, she use to ask daily to kill her and talk constantly about wanting to die. She never says this now.

The guilt rears its ugly head often but I remind myself of all the plus points.

Some of the advise you have been given is spot on. Never say goodbye, I say exactly the same as the previous person, that I have to get off to work and its always "see you later" even though I can only manage the trip weekly.

The truth is we know and feel terrible but they don't.

Take this free time to look after yourself, I am sure you need some me time xx

 

[Gwendy1]

I really feel for you, it does get easier, but it's always painful. Please take care of yourself. X

 

[Caseys]

Mum went into the care home yesterday. She thinks I am on holiday and I told her I booked her into a hotel for a Mother's Day treat.
I have phoned the home a few times and apparently she is fine and doing ok.
I on the other hand am a total wreck. I can't stop crying, I feel so guilty. I keep imagining her in her bedroom at night wondering where she is and why she is there.

I am so used to organising my whole life around her, seeing her twice a day and phoning her, I feel so lost.

My sister is going to visit mothers day and I will go next week when I am back from the imaginary holiday but I am already stressing over the next lot of lies as she will be expecting to go home. I'm not survive done the right thing.

You have done the right thing. You have to survive and she needs full time care. We're just in the same position and feel guilty all the time but we can cope better now we are not caring all the time. My mother in law is deteriorating but at least has constant care and the staff are lovely. We still see her every day and she is getting to the point where her mind is somewhere else but she still has us x

 

[betsie]

Thank you all for your kind words. It doesn't help that I have now acquired an inflamed jaw joint from the stress which is absolute agony so I'm dosed up on strong pain killers and feeling sorry for my self.
It makes it harder as my mum always said she would kill herself before she ended up in a care home.
My dad was in one for 2 years before he died of dementia last year but his memory was so bad by the time he went in ( as he had mum at home ) I didn't have to make up any lies.

From experience, do residents normally make friendships with other residents or just co exist. My mum has always been very sociable but as her memory has gone her conversation is basically a running commentary on the weather so not sure how she would start a new friendship.

I know it's very early days, I think once I can start visiting next week ( when I get back from my imaginary holiday) and then start taking her out and round to my house and start a new routine, I will feel better.

 

[Grannie G]

I have phoned the home a few times and apparently she is fine and doing ok.
I on the other hand am a total wreck. .

Better this way round than the other way round Betsie.

 

[cat64]

feel this will be me next Saturday when somehow my sister and I are moving mum from her home in Birmingham to a care home near Nottingham where I live.

Dreading it so much I'm not sleeping and we really don't even know how we are getting her out of the house...you never know what mood she will be in and sometimes she wont talk to us let alone get in a car!

 

[Quilty]

My mum moved to a care home and she had a very positive experience. She was much happier and much more relaxed. Shexwas healthier due to more food and drinks. She did make friends in her own way. She recognised people after a few weeks as her friends.
You did this for the best reasons. You now get to be a daughter again instead of a carer. Alliw the carers to do the loiking after of thr mundane while you look after her soul. Nobidy can take the place of a caring daughter. I am one and i have one. Your role now is a precious one. Make some memiry books and relive all the happy times. Make new happy memories too. In the care home when she was well, mum and i watched videos together and she ws truly content. I keep those memories so close. Keep looking for the doughnut, not the hole.lots of love and a big hug from me.

 

[starryuk]

From experience, do residents normally make friendships with other residents or just co exist. My mum has always been very sociable but as her memory has gone her conversation is basically a running commentary on the weather so not sure how she would start a new friendship.

I can only speak re my own mum, who was quite deaf as well as having vascular dementia. Although she had little or no conversation, she had her favourite people in her CH. Sometimes she would walk arm in arm with someone, or try to 'help' them and her face would light up at the sight of one of them if they appeared. She would 'introduce' me to them (sometimes as daughter, sometimes as sister). So I think friendships are formed, even if they are not quite the same as our own.

It is a heartbreaking time, but hopefully things will be better for your mum than you fear. I never thought my mum would settle, but she did.

PS. I remember the time I took mum out for a coffee and she almost ran back into the CH where she had noticed some form of entertainment was going on. She didnt want to miss it!

 

[Oscars mum]

Mum went into the care home yesterday. She thinks I am on holiday and I told her I booked her into a hotel for a Mother's Day treat.
I have phoned the home a few times and apparently she is fine and doing ok.
I on the other hand am a total wreck. I can't stop crying, I feel so guilty. I keep imagining her in her bedroom at night wondering where she is and why she is there.

I am so used to organising my whole life around her, seeing her twice a day and phoning her, I feel so lost.

My sister is going to visit mothers day and I will go next week when I am back from the imaginary holiday but I am already stressing over the next lot of lies as she will be expecting to go home. I'm not survive done the right thing.[My mum also had to go in her permanent home yesterday as my father is too ill to look after her now. Typically she was more 'with it' yesterday so wasn't happy to be there. We told her she was to be in a few weeks to be assessed. My parents always bought us up not to lie and if we did she'd find out!! So it didn't sit right. She kept going on about being with dad 57 years and didn't want to be away from him☹️ Which was heart braking. So I know your pain Betsie xx

 

[Oscars mum]

My mum went into a home too

Sorry Betsie I'm not good at this posting lark yet, but my mum went into her permanent home yesterday too as since a procedure in hospital her dementia took over and now dad is not well enough to look after her now. I too have had tears since yesterday it's heartbreaking having to lie to parents who have brought us up not to deceive them. Typically she was more 'with it' yesterday so that made it worse. She kept saying she trusts us (as we were lying through our teeth) and had been married 57 years to dad and just wants to be with him. She just wanted to come home and think about it!!! We had to say we would come back later that day to get away. So I know how sad it is.

 

[betsie]

Thank you for all your kind words.
The carers have told me mum is doing great. They call her their little helper. She hadn't been upset or asked for us or the dog. She is sleeping ok and keeping very busy.
She helps clear the tables after meals and wipe them up and helps with the tea trolley.
She is going round to visit other residents in their rooms and generally chatting and fussing over everyone. She watched the sound of music in the film room as well.

Mum used to be a geriatric nurse and worked in a care home before she retired so I am hoping she thinks she is at work. She loves being busy so all positive so far. I have felt a bit better today knowing she isn't upset. May this continue.

 

[Louby65]

Hello Betsie. I am trying very hard not to put my mum into a care home but I can't say for definite that will never happen . I am sure you will have thought all of this through and looked at various care homes before choosing the one that you did. So you are still caring and looking after her . My mum was also a nurse and looked after elderly patients so when she attended her day centre she thought she worked there and was always helping out . It made her happy . I am sure this will make your own mum happy too. I do know how hard it is to keep our mums safe and if this couldn't be done while she was at home , then you have definitely done the right thing . Your mums safety is paramount and although she can't recognise your good intentions due to her illness , your mum would thank you for looking after her well being . So please look after yourself . Best wishes to you and your mum . Lou

 

[Aisling]

Thank you all for your kind words. It doesn't help that I have now acquired an inflamed jaw joint from the stress which is absolute agony so I'm dosed up on strong pain killers and feeling sorry for my self.
It makes it harder as my mum always said she would kill herself before she ended up in a care home.
My dad was in one for 2 years before he died of dementia last year but his memory was so bad by the time he went in ( as he had mum at home ) I didn't have to make up any lies.

From experience, do residents normally make friendships with other residents or just co exist. My mum has always been very sociable but as her memory has gone her conversation is basically a running commentary on the weather so not sure how she would start a new friendship.

I know it's very early days, I think once I can start visiting next week ( when I get back from my imaginary holiday) and then start taking her out and round to my house and start a new routine, I will feel better.

Dear Betsie,,

My heart goes out to you. My only advice is ; your Mum is safe, you are doing your best for her, you now need to give yourself some time to build up your own strength.

I gently suggest that maybe you may need to give your Mum some time to settle and for you to get better before planning a new routine for her. Sincere apologies if my suggestions hurt you in any way.

Loads of virtual hugs from Ireland

Aisling xxxxxx

 

[Louby65]

Hello Betsie . How's your mum settling in the care home ? Lou

 

[pixie2]

Mum went into the care home yesterday. She thinks I am on holiday and I told her I booked her into a hotel for a Mother's Day treat.
I have phoned the home a few times and apparently she is fine and doing ok.
I on the other hand am a total wreck. I can't stop crying, I feel so guilty. I keep imagining her in her bedroom at night wondering where she is and why she is there.

I am so used to organising my whole life around her, seeing her twice a day and phoning her, I feel so lost.

My sister is going to visit mothers day and I will go next week when I am back from the imaginary holiday but I am already stressing over the next lot of lies as she will be expecting to go home. I'm not survive done the right thing.

I am the same, cried buckets every day this first week of her time in care. I wish I could have the clocks put back to how she used to be, I miss my old happy life going on holiday etc with her