Mum went into a care home

[PurplePoppy]

My mum went into a care home this morning. I was dreading all the questions as to where she was going and why she couldn't go home. I expected tears, anger in fact all manner of scenarios have been flashing in and out of my mind these past few days. I lost count of the number of lies i told to get her to the place this morning. When we got there she accepted that she was staying 'for a while'. We arrived so that she was there for dinner, the smell of sausage casserole making me hungry.

Whilst it was a sad day, it just goes to show that sometimes things do go your way. The next hurdle is the phone call I've got to make in the morning to see how she was and whether I should visit or not.

I hate to think of her in that place (don't get me wrong the home is nice and the staff couldn't be better). The family all agreed that it was the best thing for all concerned and I know she will be safe and cared for.

On this sad day there is a lot to look forward to in the future.

 

[dmc]

hello purplepoppy,

its so hard to let them go isnt it, even if it is for their own good, lets hope your mum settles down and perhaps makes a few friends.
hopefully in a few weeks time you'll be wondering why you were so anxious.
i always find after visiting my mum that it feels like the first day of school for my kids, waving goodbye and hoping that they'll be ok knowing that as soon as your gone they'll be fine and its you thats in tears
best wishes anyway i do hope it works out ok for all of you
xx

 

[Kayla]

My Mum chose to go into a Care Home and she settled down really well and got on with all the staff. She did improve with a regular routine and mealtimes and she was happy to sit in her room, hearing voices and people moving around so she knew she wasn't alone. Her room was huge and we were able to take a lot of her things there, so it seemed like her own home. We could also take out or visit easily.
We had problems with moving to the Nursing Home because she just couldn't understand why they didn't want her any more at the Care Home. They did try, but she was too frail and disabled after her stay in hospital. Now she is settled and the NH is the best place for her.
Kayla

 

[Libby]

Hi Purplepoppy

Hope your mum has settled into her new home and that your phone call has put your mind at ease.

We knew it was the right thing for mum as when dad died, she was terrified of being in the house on her own.

She's been in the home for 17 months now, but still thinks that she's only been there one night. Still thinks every time we go to visit, that we've come to take her home.

But I've never once regretted our desicion - she needed someone looking out for her all the time, and we just couldn't do it

Let us know how she's getting on

Libs

 

[PurplePoppy]

Thanks dmc, Kayla and Libby for replying to my post.

Dad and I visited mum this morning for a short time. When we walked in she looked up and it was obvious that she thought she knew us. She said everyone had been very nice and she liked the meals, but she hoped she'd be going home soon. The home said she'd been fine until 1am when she got out of bed and started wandering up and down saying she wanted to 'go home'. After 45 minutes she got back into bed and slept till the morning. She did get a bit tearful when we left this morning, but I looked round when we got into the corridor and she was already chatting to another lady.

 

[dmc]

She did get a bit tearful when we left this morning, but I looked round when we got into the corridor and she was already chatting to another lady.


see i told you, just like school xx

 

[mel]

Hi purplepoppy
Thanks for posting this....i look after my mum in our home but I know one day soon mum will be going into respite and eventually, in all probability, a nursing home full time..
I've felt really encouraged by what you've had to say and I wish you all the very best for the future..
keep smiling and positive
Love
Wendy

 

[Cate]

Hi Purplepoppy
It was reassuring to read your post, we are currently in the process of looking at homes for mum, some days she is up for it, others she is not, and I'm dreading it. We could not cope with the full time care of her, and all the guilt that brings. So thank you for your post, its given us hope.
Love
Cate

 

[jarnee]

Hi Purple Poppy.

When my dad went into care after Mum died, it took him a few days to settle and he had ups and downs....wanting to leave etc. He was OK after about a week,which, the staff told us, is VERY quick.

They said it is about familiarisation with his surroundings. Once he knew his way round etc and "felt at home" it was OK....and has been fine ever since. In fact when we take him out, at the end of the day, when we get back, he says as we pull up in the car, "Oh look we're home" or "Here we are, then".

IT is a horrible decision, putting a loved one into a care home. the guilt monster had a field day (actually a lot longer than a day!) with me. But I know he is safe, well cared for, well fed and he has company.

......AND HE LOVES US VISITING !!!

Jarnnee
xxxxxxx

 

[PurplePoppy]

I'm so glad my original post was encouraging and gave hope. It just goes to show that things can go right.

I visited mum on my own yesterday and she was very chatty. She's made friends with another lady. They seem joined at the hip She still didn't know who I was, but that's the norm now. It was obvious that she realised I was familiar. She didn't remember that dad and I had visited the previous day. In some ways I'm glad that she doesn't remember when we have or haven't visited, that way hopefully she isn't upset the days we don't go.

Donna, no tears when I left yesterday. I wanted to hug her and give her a kiss, but I knew that would make her tearful, so I just said for her to take care and that I'd pop in again.

Mel, I hope that when the time comes for you, it will go as smoothly. Thanks for your best wishes. I send the same right back to you.

Cate, good luck with the home hunting. We had only looked at three homes, the last being the one we decided on for mum. It wasn't the best decorated, but the staff are wonderful and we knew straight away that mum would be safe and well cared for. Also it is in the place where my folks live, so it's easy to visit.

Jarnee, I'm so glad your dad settled into the home so quickly. Mum certainly seems happy. She often says she wants to go home, but she said that when she was in her own home. I know what you mean about guilt. It's still rearing it's nasty head at times. I suppose if I visit mum and she is having a bad day, then I'll feel guilty again, but deep down I know it was the right thing for her and my dad.

 

[murph]

encouraging to hear your story

Dear purplepoppy,

I read your story with encouragement. My husbands mum went into a residential home at the weekend. My sister in law , brother in law and husband were devastated, but I felt that they as I knew it was the right thing to do. We have visited mum almost each day since then and she seems happy, she doesn't know who we are and then is surprised and delighted when we tell her. We took her out for lunch on sunday so thing are bright. Were you able to get funding for your mum?, I have been speaking to a friend today who thinkd we should be able to get some help because her reason for going into the home is due to health needs? I just wondered if your mum was self funding?
best wishes and thanks
Murph

 

[rummy]

I so totally understand. My Mom has been in the NH for a month now. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Mom took to wandering and would give my Dad the slip and get out in the night. After a ten day assessment we were told there was no choice. We found a wonderful place with a dimentia unit which is locked to keep them from wandering out. It killed me to leave her there and I cried buckets. The personel at the home all know me as the blubbering daughter ! After four weeks, Mom has adjusted. She is better which we did not expect. She is well feed, clean, continent, and has company 24/7. If she is up all night there is a nurses aid to watch a movie with or just chat. I could only be happier if she were able to come home which she never will again.
I don't cry as much over it but do have some sad moments. I can't stand the idea that she will never come to my house or be at hers with my Dad again. That is very hard.
Yesterday I sat her down at the piano they have in the dining hall and she played her scales. She hasn't done that in a very long time and she just loved it.
So even in a NH, they can have quality to their lives. Mom doesn't remember 40 seconds after that I've visited, but for that moment, she knew I was there. I figure these days we take one moment at a time rather than one day!
I am also coping by trying to make life better for the ladies in the unit. I arranged for a tv with vcr to be put in their living area and now am building a VHS library of old movies for them. They love Singing in the Rain and Sound of Music! Maybe I can't be the one to take care of Mom any more but I can do something that will make her life better on a daily basis and helps the eight other ladies too. They've adopted me and line up for hugs when I go in!
Take care and I hope things go well for you.
Debbie

 

[Kayla]

Positive attitude

Dear Debbie,
I admire your very positive attitude with your Mum as I know you really didn't want her to have to go into a Home. It is good that you are doing something positive to help the other ladies as well. My Mum has a friend who keeps her company in her room, which is nice as Mum can't walk now. It is good for the other lady too, because her family are unable to visit very often, because of illness. She seems to regard me as much her visitor as Mum's, which I don't mind as I'm visiting Mum anyway. Sometimes, the strange conversations which the two of them have, make me want to laugh, but they are happy in each other's company, so their quality of life must be much better than before.
kayla

 

[rummy]

Thanks Kayla, I just have to stay proactive in Mom's life. It fills the void for sure and I am slowly getting my life back since she went in the NH. I am so glad your Mom has a roomie friend. It makes such a difference ! My Mom and another lady have become quiet close too and it makes me soooo happy !!
I won't lie, it is still hard but I am trying to make that glass half full instead of half empty.
Call me Polyanna, I have that reputation around here !
Debbie

 

[May]

Hi 'Polyanna'

Glad that things are going as well as can be for you and yours. Your post gives me hope that I can cope with the inevitable. My Dad has acknowledge we need to check out NH's sooner rather than later, which is a big turnaround for him and made me quite tearful. Stupid really, as it's been me saying we have to be prepared, because Mum's deterioration has been quite rapid since she was discharged from the hospital. So much for feeling strong.........
Thanks to everyone else on this thread also that have posted such positive comments. it really does help to know you're not alone.

Sending you all a big Hug

Take care all.

 

[rummy]

I too thought I had all the time in the world to check out nursing homes. When I would bring myself to go in one, I would leave totally depressed. Then the decision was pretty much made for us and I scrambled to find a place we could live with. The one Mom is in had only one bed in the dimensia unit and I feel we really lucked out ! Mom's doctor told me that she should have been in one a year before now but my Dad just couldn't bring himself to do it. ( guilt ) all in all, it happened the way it was supposed to.
I knew it was necessary but it was still very hard. It does my heart alot of good to see my Mom so well cared for. If she weren't I don't think I could bear it. She would be living with me and I would be really posting my woes !!
Hang it there and let me know how your doing.
hugs back, Debbie

 

[PurplePoppy]

I'm glad my original posting has had such a good positive response.

Murph, dad hasn't been told the outcome of the financial assessment yet. As mum doesn't need nursing care as such, it is possible she'll have to pay. Mum only has her pension and disability benefit, so she doesn't have enough. There is this thing about the remaining half of a couple being expected to pay a fair share, so dad may well have to pay something. Don't get me started on the unfairness of having to pay for this needed care.


I'm so pleased your mum-in-law has settled in. It's nice that you were able to take her out for lunch. At the moment at least, we daren't take mum out, as we think she won't want to go back and it will be upsetting for everyone.

I find the hardest thing is saying goodbye and leaving her. For a large lady, she looks awfully small when I walk away.

Mum doesn't know who I am, and even if I tell her it just confuses her. I know she's my mum and that's all that matters.

Best wishes to you and your family. Hang in there, it does get better.

 

[jenniferpa]

You know, I read something fairly recently about how from next year, spouses will not be expected to make up the shortfall in that situation, and that LA authorities are being pushed to bear that in mind. I'll see if I can find a link.

Jennifer

 

[jenniferpa]

Well, I can't find the actual thing I read, which was a PDF file from a government web site, but the following is a link to the times article about it
http://business.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,9558-2046696,00.html

Jennifer

Aha, I knew I'd seen it somewhere http://www.dh.gov.uk/assetRoot/04/13/36/04/04133604.pdf

The relevant bit is V Liable Relative Rule
Note that the government is providing funds to make up this shortfall.

 

[PurplePoppy]

Thanks Jennifer for the two links. I've passed them onto my dad, who I know will appreciate the information.