After a weekend where I was away at work and the fragile care package we have broke down once again I bit the bullet. I've dithered about a care home for over a year now, wanting to respect mums wishes to remain in her home but knowing that she isn't happy she is barely safe - everything was so risky. Mum has been adamant that putting her into a care home would be the worst thing I could do, it would be me abandoning her and the most selfish thing I could do. After a lot of prayer rang the care home that I saw a few months ago, they never ever have a bed as it is so lovely and only 17 beds, lo and behold they had a bed, after a gentleman went home unplanned and 5 days early! Mum has gone in on a 2 week trial with a view to permanency, I picked her up from daycare yesterday afternoon, she spent the short trip telling me that I was selfish and horrible and only thought about myself, I was ending her life, on and on it went amazing how much anger and hatred can be got out in a 10 min drive! We got there and I didn't think I would get her in the door, she was so upset and angry, the home had put a little bunch of daffodils on her table the first moment of softening, within seconds another resident with dementia came and admired mums shoes - she was resistant but with a glimmer of a smile. The home manager stayed with us looking at mums photo's of the grandchildren, they have a cat! They agreed mum's dog can visit any time. when I finally dragged her to the main lounge and she saw the little sweet shop and the cute little cafe style lounge her face of thunder was cracking. As I prepared to leave I heard her chatting to the care home manager who she hugged and told the lady she was a special person. Mum certainly didn't look sorry to see me go when I left! I thought I'd be driving home crying my eyes out feeling like the worst daughter in the world but instead I couldn't stop smiling. I rang the home this morning and it was so great to hear what she'd had for breakfast, that she is joking with the carers in her room if a little shy with them in the main home. She's befriended a guy in the room next door who is the same age as my uncle She hasn't even mentioned her dog or the family since I left. I know that we will have ups and downs but the weight of responsibility which has had me overwhelmed has lifted. I know mum is safe and I know she is happier than she has been in a while. I am actually looking forward to being able to go and see her - I can't remember the last time I felt like that. I just hope that after the 2 weeks we can move ahead into permanent residency, I want her to be safe, but I also want her to be able to have some joy in her life and it feels today that we might have a glimmer of hope in that direction.