1. Expert Q&A: Living well as a carer - Weds 28 August, 3-4pm

    As a carer for a person living with dementia, the needs of the person you care for will often come before your own. You may experience a range of difficult emotions and you may not have the time to do all the things you need to do. Caring can have a big impact on both your mental and physical health, as well as your overall wellbeing.

    Angelo, our Knowledge Officer (Wellbeing) is our expert on this topic. He will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 28 August between 3-4pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

Mum went into a care home yesterday

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Livveywills, Mar 9, 2016.

  1. Livveywills

    Livveywills Registered User

    Jul 11, 2015
    57
    After a weekend where I was away at work and the fragile care package we have broke down once again I bit the bullet.

    I've dithered about a care home for over a year now, wanting to respect mums wishes to remain in her home but knowing that she isn't happy she is barely safe - everything was so risky. Mum has been adamant that putting her into a care home would be the worst thing I could do, it would be me abandoning her and the most selfish thing I could do.

    After a lot of prayer rang the care home that I saw a few months ago, they never ever have a bed as it is so lovely and only 17 beds, lo and behold they had a bed, after a gentleman went home unplanned and 5 days early!

    Mum has gone in on a 2 week trial with a view to permanency, I picked her up from daycare yesterday afternoon, she spent the short trip telling me that I was selfish and horrible and only thought about myself, I was ending her life, on and on it went amazing how much anger and hatred can be got out in a 10 min drive!

    We got there and I didn't think I would get her in the door, she was so upset and angry, the home had put a little bunch of daffodils on her table the first moment of softening, within seconds another resident with dementia came and admired mums shoes - she was resistant but with a glimmer of a smile. The home manager stayed with us looking at mums photo's of the grandchildren, they have a cat! They agreed mum's dog can visit any time. when I finally dragged her to the main lounge and she saw the little sweet shop and the cute little cafe style lounge her face of thunder was cracking.

    As I prepared to leave I heard her chatting to the care home manager who she hugged and told the lady she was a special person. Mum certainly didn't look sorry to see me go when I left!

    I thought I'd be driving home crying my eyes out feeling like the worst daughter in the world but instead I couldn't stop smiling. I rang the home this morning and it was so great to hear what she'd had for breakfast, that she is joking with the carers in her room if a little shy with them in the main home. She's befriended a guy in the room next door who is the same age as my uncle She hasn't even mentioned her dog or the family since I left.

    I know that we will have ups and downs but the weight of responsibility which has had me overwhelmed has lifted. I know mum is safe and I know she is happier than she has been in a while. I am actually looking forward to being able to go and see her - I can't remember the last time I felt like that.

    I just hope that after the 2 weeks we can move ahead into permanent residency, I want her to be safe, but I also want her to be able to have some joy in her life and it feels today that we might have a glimmer of hope in that direction.
     
  2. Louby65

    Louby65 Registered User

    Mar 26, 2014
    620
    Scotland
    Aww livveywills . That is great that your mum has settled and you feel less stressed . I'm sure it was one of the hardest decisions , but it was made with much love and care . I'm sure your mum knows that . I wish both of you my very best wishes as you begin this new , exciting chapter . I have read some posts today from other people who have had such positive outcomes when their family need a 24 hour care provider. Take hope and encouragement from them that it can and will work out for the best . I currently look after my mum at home but have visited care homes in the past when I thought I couldn't manage , but I now have a carer who is fabulous and is helping me keep my mum at home . However if circumstances change then I would have to consider it . I always tell my mum I will do my best to care for her at home but I can't promise . Best wishes to you and your mum . Lou
     
  3. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    4,293
    SW London
    Fantastic to hear that the move went so well. It's always such a terribly worrying time. I think I dreaded moving-to-care-home day more than I've ever dreaded anything else in my entire life!
    The care home sounds lovely - what a 'phew' moment for you!
     
  4. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    1,056
    GLASGOW
    It can work and its possible your Mum will be much happier in CH than she was at home when so at risk. My mum had 9 happy months before she started to get ill after a bad fall. I see that as a gift for both of us. She now has 24hr nurse care and could not be cared for better.

    There can be bumps in the road but it can be a very happy thing when we all get it right. Well done for being brave and doing what your thought was right.
     
  5. Toddleo

    Toddleo Registered User

    Oct 7, 2015
    412
    please keep us updated Livveywills
     
  6. Chemmy

    Chemmy Registered User

    Nov 7, 2011
    7,593
    Yorkshire
    The relief that you no longer are shouldering the full responsibility can be overwhelming, can't it?

    Now its time to get YOUR life back on course and for you to enjoy being a daughter again, not a full-time carer. Remember, no guilt allowed. ;)

    I wish you and your mother well. Let us know how she gets on.
     
  7. Livveywills

    Livveywills Registered User

    Jul 11, 2015
    57
    Being able to be her daughter again is exactly it! I know I can't actually ever be her daughter properly again, but to be able to go and see her and take her gifts and to take her out for a treat is what I'm hoping for.

    The struggle to keep mum safe has been so all consuming that all the joy had gone. I'm on my own with the 5 kids this Saturday as my husband is out, so I've decided that we are going to head to the beach in the cold for the day - just because for the first time in such a long time we can do that without having to arrange care and deal with mum's upset about not being able to go.

    Will keep everyone posted on how it goes, I'm hoping to leave visiting until early next week to give mum a chance to find her feet but I'm so comforted as the care home manager has already said that if mum starts to ask for us before then she'll call so that I can go in earlier.
     
  8. AngeMorange

    AngeMorange Registered User

    Dec 14, 2015
    18
    Northern Ireland
    Sending you good wishes

    So glad to hear things are positive for you.

    At present mum is at home with care package and family filling the gaps, but I'm starting to research care homes as I know that day will come as well.

    Already we are tired and feeling inadequate.

    Good luck on the journey :)
     
  9. Chemmy

    Chemmy Registered User

    Nov 7, 2011
    7,593
    Yorkshire
    Ha ha. We celebrated our first Christmas Day without carer responsibilities with a picnic on Scarborough prom! Go for it and enjoy every minute.
     
  10. betsie

    betsie Registered User

    Jun 11, 2012
    250
    My mum went in last Thursday so I know exactly how you feel. My mum has been fine so far and hasn't asked for family or her dog. My sisters have both visited ( she only saw them once a week) and mum was fine. I am going in for the first time tomorrow with my dog, I'm a bit scared she might ask me about going home as I made up the love lie that she was going into a hotel while I was on holiday. My sisters think she has just accepted it and seems much happier so fingers crossed.
    I still haven't wound down yet but it is so nice being able to plan ahead and think about days out etc without having to worry about sorting mum out. I still jump every time the phone rings though!
    Fingers crossed your mum settles well. I too am looking forward to enjoying my mum again, I'm hoping this move will give her a new lease of life.
     
  11. 6FNAUTICLUB

    6FNAUTICLUB Registered User

    Dec 26, 2015
    51
    That's great news, similar to us, mum went in to a care home on the 20th Jan for a "two week" respite and is still there and seems happy to stay indefinitely, she is safe, well cared for and for the first time in a long time it's nice to leave the majority of her care in the hands of others xx
     
  12. Holly73

    Holly73 Registered User

    Feb 1, 2016
    9
    Lovely to read your story. We are moving dad into a nursing home on Monday. The strain of trying to keep him at home where is thinks he wants to be but where he is desperately lonely and unsafe has really taken its toll. At the moment we've only told him he'll be staying for a short stay while he gets stronger. He seems to be looking forward to it. Could be completely different today of course! Hope your mum continues to enjoy her new home and friends.


     
  13. Livveywills

    Livveywills Registered User

    Jul 11, 2015
    57
    Going to go and see mum tomorrow and take her dog - can't believe that they are so happy to have the dog visit!

    Yesterday evening I got sent a photo of mum doing a craft activity with one of the carers, as well as an update of how she had been all day. Today she is off to daycare from the home to keep some continuity.

    Just need to keep her focused on the positive things about being where she is!
     
  14. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    1,056
    GLASGOW
    In my Mums care home, one of the nurses brings her dog to work with her sometimes. Its old and docile and wanders around being petted and fussed over. It really cheers everyone up.

    Please share the dog around when you go!

    Love quilty
     
  15. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    7,738
    Yorkshire
    Totally agree Quilty
    in dad's care home one residents husband brings one of their dogs every visit, it is a familiar part of their life and welcomed by all - another resident's grandchild brought in a puppy a couple of times to smiles all round (no-one batted an eyelid even when it had an accident in the hallway - all floors a lino and plenty of cleaning stuff to hand)
    I keep meaning to suggest a regular visit to the activities co-ordinator, so this has jogged my memory :)
     
  16. betsie

    betsie Registered User

    Jun 11, 2012
    250
    I visited my mum this morning for the first time and she was great. I took my dog so we went out for a little walk but she was fine going back. She didn't mention going home at all and when I suggested bringing in a shelf unit and more ornaments she was quite happy.
    It seems so odd that she has just totally accepted it ( I'm not complaining though). Other than acquiring a cold yesterday she seems very happy and relaxed. It was nice to spend time with her chatting and doing her nails rather than rushing about changing beds, hanging out washing etc when she was at home on her own.

    I hope your visit with your mum goes as well. My mum did ask how her dog was but wasn't upset.
     
  17. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    It's great - and very reassuring - to hear positive stories. Thank you very much for sharing them :)
     
  18. josephinewilson

    josephinewilson Registered User

    May 19, 2015
    112
    Lancashire
    Thanks for these - they are just what I am wanting to hear as I will be in the same position next week with my mother, going in temporarily while I am away, but with a view to permanent residency (which she is not aware of) I do so hope I can come back with happy tales to relate too :)
     
  19. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    16,059
    Toronto, Canada
    That's wonderful news. It's amazing how our loved ones can constantly surprise and this time in a very good way.
     
  20. Otiruz

    Otiruz Registered User

    Nov 28, 2015
    255
    Kent
    My Mother's been in a care home for 3 days.... It's been a tough journey but I know she is safe. So emotional and scary.
     

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