1. Linbrusco

    Linbrusco Registered User

    Mar 4, 2013
    1,587
    Female
    Auckland...... New Zealand
    #1 Linbrusco, Dec 2, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 2, 2015
    Fair to say Mum and Dad have never had a great marriage, even after 54 yrs.
    Mum 74 with moderate AD & Dad 77 with MCI now.

    Compassionate communication and Dad does not wash.
    Even after 2+ yrs he constantly berates Mum forgetting or not understanding, in part this is his MCI, and in part his personality. The memory team nurse says he has very frontal lobe behaviours and thinking, despite his memory tests being relatively good for his age and does not have dementia.
    Although his brain MRI scan showed he was in worse shape than Mum!
    I know with dementia its common to stretch the truth or lie, but I do not beleive Mum is doing either when she says that Dad gives her a hard life.
    As they live behind me I keep a close eye on the pair, and have had to tell Dad off on occasion.
    I have Mum going to various activities 4x a week which she loves, but over Christmas/New Year everything will be closed for a month :eek:

    So in the past week and today, Mum has said to me now 3 times she feels like running away. Dad is constantly at her and finding fault with everything she does.
    I gently approached the subject of Respite Care, which she didn't say no to.
    My sister has always been adamant that Mum is not to go into respite care, but I am the one with POA for Health & Welfare.
    Long term, as Dad is not coping with Mum, and Mum cannot cope with Dads lack of understanding, not to mention there are times when safety is in question when alone ( which is rare) and start of incontinence, and a raft of other dementia behaviours, I don't think permanent care will be far off :(

    My brother is a bury his head in the sand type, my sister says you do not go into care until you are physically unable to care for yourself, basically bed bound.
    What about mentally & emotionally ??
     
  2. CeliaW

    CeliaW Registered User

    Jan 29, 2009
    5,643
    Hampshire
    I think that, sadly, mental and emotional care tend to get glossed over a lot so I doubt your brother will ever really acknowledge that aspect.

    Given the issues with respite beds is it worth doing some investigating to see if it's possible before telling your brother and dad of your plans?

    Difficult situation but good for you for addressing it. I hope you find a solution that gives you and your Mum some peace of mind x
     
  3. Grey Lad

    Grey Lad Registered User

    Sep 12, 2014
    5,736
    North East Lincs
    Wow that is a tough challenge for your mum and you. Good luck you are very reslilent to try to help your mum. It is so sad when other family members don't understand or want to know. G L
     
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,896
    Kent
    Perhaps your sister would like to take over some of the responsibility of making peace between your mum and dad Lyn.

    It does annoy me when family lay the law down but don`t do anything to help alleviate the situation.

    If your mother is agreeable to a `holiday` away from the criticisms of your dad, who is your sister to disapprove.
     
  5. Linbrusco

    Linbrusco Registered User

    Mar 4, 2013
    1,587
    Female
    Auckland...... New Zealand
    #5 Linbrusco, Dec 2, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 2, 2015

    Thanks all.
    I can but ask Mum again about Respite Care. She might turn around and say No and not remember our conversation today, but I really want to try it as first steps for Mum.
    Emergency respite care is easier to come by rather than a planned respite.
    I can see with Mum having not activities to go to for a whole month, we may need to use it.
    I really feel for my Mum, and how confused she must be when I use compassionate communication as much as I can and remember to do so and Dad is the total opposite.
    My sister is away on holiday, so I think a family meeting with our Alzheimers Key Worker might be the way to go once she is back.
     
  6. Grey Lad

    Grey Lad Registered User

    Sep 12, 2014
    5,736
    North East Lincs
    :)
     

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