Hi I am new to this forum. My dad passed away 5 weeks ago. Mum has had memory loss for a few years but not been formally diagnosed with dementia yet but reading all the online info I suspect she is between mild and moderate. We had a live-in carer for dad which and who, mum didn’t like but we needed to as mum not able to care for dad. We got a new carer after dad passed who is lovely but mum just can’t accept her and she phones many times a day to me and my brother and sister begging us to pick her up and take her home with us. We took it in turns to stay with her for two weeks after dad went but mum wants us there all the time. I have a primary school age child, my brother is moving overseas soon (has been planned for ages) and my sister is exhausted and has her own job and other demands to deal with. We are racking our brains trying to think what to do. I thought of moving mum in with us but we don’t have the room and would need to build an extension plus my husband is worried mum will demand me all the time. I would have to give up my full time job too to look after her and the money being spent on the carer would be used towards paying me instead. We’ve also looked at the option of me and husband taking it in turns to travel down and look after her in the day then get a carer in overnight. We want to do what is best for mum - she is missing dad terribly. We are now even looking at putting her in a home which she will hate and I think it’s too soon for that. I would rather that didn’t happen till she, this sounds awful, but is further down the line with dementia and doesn’t know so much what’s going on. She is very fit and could go on for years, she’s nearly 80. She has an appointment with MC consultant soon who will no doubt advise us too but I want to know if any other members have experienced this and what you did. I know for a fact mum wants to move in with me as she has told me but I feel stressed about it and my husband even more so. He does get on very well with her btw. Is anyone else looking after their child and parent with dementia at home?The short of it is, is a care home the right move? will she ever accept the live in carer which would be the ideal scenario although the carer is only temporary till the summer, or should I look after her at my house or at her house? I don’t know what to do.
Mum wants to move in
- Thread starter JannyLou
- Start date
hello @JannyLou
a warm welcome to DTP
my condolences on the loss of your dad: a sad time for your family
I appreciate that your mum will be feeling lost without her husband, and if there is dementia present, it's often the case that the spouse covers the extent of issue so family aren't wholly aware of how the person is
you have a lot on your plate with your own family and work ... personally, I would take time to think through how you might support your mum in her own home for as long as possible ... your husband is right in that should she move in with you your life will revolve around her needs
I understand that you want what's best for your mum ... but you cannot make her needs your only concern, your own family deserve your time and energy, your husband's wishes and concerns are important, and you need to consider your own future eg if you give up work you will lose out on pension and getting back into work in the future may be difficult
a warm welcome to DTP
my condolences on the loss of your dad: a sad time for your family
I appreciate that your mum will be feeling lost without her husband, and if there is dementia present, it's often the case that the spouse covers the extent of issue so family aren't wholly aware of how the person is
you have a lot on your plate with your own family and work ... personally, I would take time to think through how you might support your mum in her own home for as long as possible ... your husband is right in that should she move in with you your life will revolve around her needs
I understand that you want what's best for your mum ... but you cannot make her needs your only concern, your own family deserve your time and energy, your husband's wishes and concerns are important, and you need to consider your own future eg if you give up work you will lose out on pension and getting back into work in the future may be difficult
Its a time of adjustment both for her and for you.
Would she accept a couple of weeks respite ( ''to give you a bit of company for a bit , Mum'') to see if in fact she enjoyed it?
Maybe a move to shelered acc near you?
its very early days. Difficult really to make hard and fast plans yet
Would she accept a couple of weeks respite ( ''to give you a bit of company for a bit , Mum'') to see if in fact she enjoyed it?
Maybe a move to shelered acc near you?
its very early days. Difficult really to make hard and fast plans yet
Thankyou for your reply and very helpful advice. Yes you’re right - my own family do need and deserve my time and energy. Hopefully we can find a way to keep mum at home for as long as possible.
Thankyou Jessbow, that’s an interesting idea. I think she might suss me out but it could be worth a try.
Your child has to be your priority and all in all it sounds as if your mum moving in would be a potential recipe for disaster. I think you have already come to that conclusion. Your mum is still in grief, it will take time for her to adjust. She is going to have to accept care at home whether she likes it or not so somehow the task is to get her used to the idea. She may not like it but nobody *likes* getting old and frail. My dad hates not being able to do things he used to do. But old age is unrelenting, people are forced to accept things they don't like by old age. I personally intend to live for ever but that too might not be wholly realistic!
I am very sorry for the loss of your dad but it is very common that the loss of one parent emphasizes the vulnerabiIity of the remaining parent. I shared caring for dad with my husband. I would do 8 nights, my husband would do 2 and my brother would do the odd 1 or 2 You can see how that worked out. I rarely saw my husband for a year, I lived out of a rucksack with a couple of changes of clothes. I used to go home and do a pile of washing and hang it up to dry. I rarely saw my son, he is all grown up but I would have liked to see him once in a while.
I could not have done this with a small child and it would not have been fair if I had. Your child is the most important priority here and has to come first. I agree with @Jessbow and I think a couple of weeks respite would be your best option with a view to making it permanent.
It's sad but this could go on for a long time and your immediate young family are priority. Also if you stop working you will lose out financially and may not be able to make the lost years in the future. I know what I am talking about here and you need to put your child first.
I could not have done this with a small child and it would not have been fair if I had. Your child is the most important priority here and has to come first. I agree with @Jessbow and I think a couple of weeks respite would be your best option with a view to making it permanent.
It's sad but this could go on for a long time and your immediate young family are priority. Also if you stop working you will lose out financially and may not be able to make the lost years in the future. I know what I am talking about here and you need to put your child first.
My mum wanted to come and live with me too @JannyLou , so I tried it out to see how it would work - I lasted only a weekend! Granted that my OH was showing symptoms too, but I didnt have any children at home.
My mum wouldnt let me do any housework or cooking, she just wanted me to sit with her and entertain her all day and then at night she was up every hour waking me because she could hear "noises in the kitchen" (there was nothing).
She wouldnt let me do things for my OH and then when the stress got to him he had a seizure and mum went into meltdown, so that I honestly didnt know who to attend to first.
Your husband is right, she will want you all the time and may not allow you to look after your children. I know your mum doesnt want to move into a care home - my mum didnt want to either and begged me (with tears) to promise her that I would never "put her in one of those places". I didnt make that promise and eventually there was no other option, so mum did in fact move into a care home. She surprised me though by thriving there. She had a bit of a rocky start, but once she settled she made friends, joined in the activities and was happy. She once said to me "they all love me in here" and she was right, they did. So, you see, care homes are not a failure, they can actually be a very positive thing.
My mum wouldnt let me do any housework or cooking, she just wanted me to sit with her and entertain her all day and then at night she was up every hour waking me because she could hear "noises in the kitchen" (there was nothing).
She wouldnt let me do things for my OH and then when the stress got to him he had a seizure and mum went into meltdown, so that I honestly didnt know who to attend to first.
Your husband is right, she will want you all the time and may not allow you to look after your children. I know your mum doesnt want to move into a care home - my mum didnt want to either and begged me (with tears) to promise her that I would never "put her in one of those places". I didnt make that promise and eventually there was no other option, so mum did in fact move into a care home. She surprised me though by thriving there. She had a bit of a rocky start, but once she settled she made friends, joined in the activities and was happy. She once said to me "they all love me in here" and she was right, they did. So, you see, care homes are not a failure, they can actually be a very positive thing.
Don't, whatever you do, have your elderly Mum come to live with you. My parents did this in the mid-1950's when I was a newborn and going by what Mum tells me about her Mum, we're both convinced that Nan was then showing signs of early dementia (although such things weren't talked aboyt publicly back then and rarely even mentioned within the family). Grandad had just had to have a leg amputated as a complication of untreated diabetes but Nan insisted she couldn't look after him at home so came to live with my parents.
The fromt room was given over to Grandad in his hospital bed, an extra bed was obtained for Nan who shared the second bedroom with toddler me. Nan never lifte a finger to help Mum around the house but expected Mum to cater for and help entertain Nan's friends who constantly visited - and bear in min that at the time I was still a baby in terry nappies and my parents didn't have a washing machine or vaccuum cleaner . Mum had to do all the housework, cooking, nursung her elderly father and in the end she just ciuldn't manage. Grandad went into a local nursing hime and nan went to live with her married sister where, because Nn was an excellent cookj and had been a cook in domestic service before WW1, she had to do all the cooking (but no housework).
From my pwn childhood memories of life sixty years ago, I'm convinced that the stress of having to cope with elderly in-laws, a new baby and an exhausted and tired wife was partly what drove my late Dad to start having affairs with other women, because Mum didn't notice as she was too busy with caring for her parents and myself as a baby so was unable to take preventative action. This inturn led tomy parents' acrmonious divorce and Mum & I being forced to move to the opposite end of the country to get away from all the stress & hassle.
Having elderly parents come live with you is the last thing I'd ever consider, based purely on personal experience.
My mother moved in with me, following the death of my father. This was my choice (if only I had known...), but it is VERY hard work. I don't have children and gave up working, and it is relentless. Even before Covid hit, I found it difficult, and that was with access to clubs etc., which gave me a break. Mum was up several times in the night, is completely self-centred and cannot see the needs of anyone else. It is, I imagine, like having another small child. Your mother may, eventually, wet the bed, begin to wander, need supervision with with washing / dressing/toileting or just to keep her safe.
Mum's mobiltiy has now decreased to the point that she is immobile. She has a bed in the living room, with a chair and commode, and that is her world. And still it is hard.
I have had no life for 3 years.
Please think very hard about this. This could be a very long road, and you cannot regain those years with your child.
Mum's mobiltiy has now decreased to the point that she is immobile. She has a bed in the living room, with a chair and commode, and that is her world. And still it is hard.
I have had no life for 3 years.
Please think very hard about this. This could be a very long road, and you cannot regain those years with your child.
Thankyou for your helpful reply - yes "it is no fun growing old" as my grandad used to say. And its hard watching mum grow old especially with dementia. No-one in our family has ever had this (as far as we know), its quite a learning curve.
Don't do this, just don't. You will never have a life of your own. My mother in law wanted to live with us and she had pre existing mental health issues before the dementia diagnosis, which meant she was totally demanding. When the dementia diagnosis came, she was still living on her own and was relentless in her disruption to our lives. I mean ringing us at all hours ,expecting us to spend every hour with her . I'm so glad she never came to live with us. Please put your family first.
Thankyou for your reply and sharing your own personal experience, I really appreciate that and am sorry you didn't see your son so much due to caring for your dad. It's a hard hitting truth that I needed to see. Thankyou
Thankyou so much for your reply- I am so sorry for the difficulties you endured. It was certainly hard hitting all that you wrote and I needed to see that. I am getting a very consistent message from all the responses to my post which I am grateful for.
Thankyou for your reply and I'm really sorry its been so hard for you, you are a good and kind hearted daughter, I hope you get some support and rest. Its been such a reality check reading the replies. Thankyou again.
I don't have any children, but I would think very carefully where you go next. I moved in with my mum and was lucky that we had always been good friends, but in time the relationship became dominated more and more by the dementia, which is essentially what you are taking on from the sounds of it. Its hard to grapple with the feelings we have and I can see you have some empathy for your mum in wanting to care for her after loosing your dad. I was glad I helped my mum, but that also came with a price. I agree wih you waiting till someone lacks awareness might be best if thinking of a care home, but you have to weigh that with all the other scarifices you will make leading up to a time when a care home becomes a serious option. Its a Catch-22, because no one wants to fail anyone, but here's the crunch, sooner or later the dementi will take over your mums life and also yours.
Thankyou for your reply, we do get the phonecalls. I mentioned some respite time in a care home and she replied, "I'm not going there, have you been talking about it?" She sees absolutely no reason why she should go in one. It will be helpful to get the mc consultants diagnosis so we can see more accurately where she is.
