Mum wants to move carehome

[Maribear]

Good Morning. This is my first post and would appreciate others experience/advice in this situation.
My 82 year old mother has dementia and has been in a care home for about 9 months, during which time she has noticeably worsened (to be expected I know). The care home is lovely and staff very pleasant and I (and my brother) are comfortable with her being there. However it is not her home town and every conversation revolves around her returning to where she spent the majority of her life, about 40 miles away. She gets very upset and this is distressing for the family - she's in the current location as it means she gets many visits from immediate family but she wants to be 'where her friends and other family members are'. I know she's thinking back years and the reality is that she will not see many of her old friends/family if she relocates (and she is certainly not up to forging new friendships) but this repetitive desire and her distress is tearing us up and ruining our visits and we are considering relocating her to her home town. I'm not sure she will even know she's there if we do move her but we are willing to try if it would be of any benefit at all. My head says it won't resolve anything but my heart says maybe we should try and my brother says he's happy for her to move (I suspect he's reached the end of his tether and is very worn down by the whole thing as he seems to get most of the blame for her being where she is). Any advice or experience of this situation gratefully received.

 

[marionq]

I haven’t the same experience as you but I can well understand the upset. My quandry would be, what if you were to move her but then she didn’t believe you? You’ll be in the same position as now and this obsession is the dementia speaking - I think I’d be tempted to leave her where she is, not that it makes any of it easy for you but at least she’s close to you and family members for visiting her. How is she when no one is visiting her? What do the care home staff say? Does she only say she wants to move when you and other family members go?

Would it work to say you are looking at a suitable place which may have a vacancy in the summer. Just keep repeating this and by the summer she will have moved on to some other obsession.

 

[Maribear]

I haven’t the same experience as you but I can well understand the upset. My quandry would be, what if you were to move her but then she didn’t believe you? You’ll be in the same position as now and this obsession is the dementia speaking - I think I’d be tempted to leave her where she is, not that it makes any of it easy for you but at least she’s close to you and family members for visiting her. How is she when no one is visiting her? What do the care home staff say? Does she only say she wants to move when you and other family members go?

Thank you for your response and your views reflect our quandry - I'm not sure moving her would make any difference as she still wouldn't have her old life I understand she is the same when family members are not there but I'll have a chat with the manager on my next visit and check out the points you've raised.

 

[Maribear]

Would it work to say you are looking at a suitable place which may have a vacancy in the summer. Just keep repeating this and by the summer she will have moved on to some other obsession.

Thank you. We have tried this tactic and sometimes it placates her, sometimes it doesn't and her upset is getting worse. It's so hard to judge with the dementia - I truly don't believe she will ever be happy again and that's soul destroying, as I'm sure we all know. We'll try this tactic more vigorously I think.

 

[karaokePete]

Hello @Maribear, welcome to the forum, which I hope you find to be a friendly and supportive place.

I wondered if taking putting some memorabilia in her room would placate your Mother - don't try if you think it would be worse!

There is a Society Factsheet that gives an outline of handling tips for various behaviours and in the hope that you can glean something of use from it here's a link to it. Just hit the PDF line for an easy read

• Changes in behaviour (525)
  PDF printable version

 

[canary]

One of the things that happens with dementia is an all consuming desire to go home.
This can be a place form their past (usually a childhood home) or it can be a fantasy home, but they do not usually mean an actual place - it usually represents a state of mind. It is the desire to go back to a time and place where they felt safe and free from the confusions of dementia. Many people with dementia think that if they move then they will leave the dementia behind. I strongly suspect that you could go to all the upheaval and upset of finding another place, that maybe isnt so good and is harder for everyone to visit, and she will still be saying that she wants to move there and not believe anyone who says that she is actually there. If you ask her where she is thinking of and who she expects to be there you may well find that she is expecting to see all her long deceased family.

You head is right - it would not be a good move and wont solve anything.
Its time use "love lies". Tell her that you are looking for somewhere, but you are waiting for a place to come up, or that you need the doctors permission to move her. or anything else that will pacify her in the moment, and keep on repeating it everytime she asks

 

[Saffie]

As others have said this wanting to go home is very common with dementia. To be perfectly honest the feeling probably exists for elderly people even without it but they will realise that it is just a dream whereas dementia’s loss of logical thinking won’t allow for that. Your mother probably won’t be thinking of a care home where she used to live but her own home and usually that means a childhood home.

Would some subterfuge help? That is perhaps take her out for a run during which someone can alter her room and put more memorabilia on display so it looks more like her home in some way. I apologise if you think that isn’t acceptable but sometimes little white lies are necessary for the well-being of the person who is suffering.
I never said a proper goodbye to my husband in his nursing home as I was always “just popping out to get a paper - loaf of bread - milk” whatever. Soil destroying but necessary to avoid distressing him.

 

[Maribear]

One of the things that happens with dementia is an all consuming desire to go home.
This can be a place form their past (usually a childhood home) or it can be a fantasy home, but they do not usually mean an actual place - it usually represents a state of mind. It is the desire to go back to a time and place where they felt safe and free from the confusions of dementia. Many people with dementia think that if they move then they will leave the dementia behind. I strongly suspect that you could go to all the upheaval and upset of finding another place, that maybe isnt so good and is harder for everyone to visit, and she will still be saying that she wants to move there and not believe anyone who says that she is actually there. If you ask her where she is thinking of and who she expects to be there you may well find that she is expecting to see all her long deceased family.

You head is right - it would not be a good move and wont solve anything.
Its time use "love lies". Tell her that you are looking for somewhere, but you are waiting for a place to come up, or that you need the doctors permission to move her. or anything else that will pacify her in the moment, and keep on repeating it everytime she asks

Thank you for your response and basically confirming what I felt may well be the case- we'll use your suggested tactic more (combined with distraction) and see how we get on.

 

[Quizbunny]

Mum was like this for months on end when she went into her care home. She was always unhappy and very stressed. But it did stop eventually and she is calm and as happy as she can be. In all likelihood if you do move her she will still be unhappy and you will all have a lot further to travel.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

When my mother talked about going home, I once asked her what the address was. She gave me the address where she had lived with her parents in her teens. So naturally I said we would go "the day after tomorrow", rinse and repeat.

As others have said, this desire to go home is more a search for a place where your mother felt safe.

 

[Maribear]

Thank you all for your suggestions - we'll leave Mum where she is and tell her we're sorting an alternative location.