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Mum wants to leave carehome

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Mariefleur, Jun 7, 2015.

  1. Mariefleur

    Mariefleur Registered User

    Sep 23, 2014
    17
    Mum has moderate Alzheimer's dementia and she went into a private carehome last Saturday after a period of a year when she was cared for 24/7 by family in her own home. It is a big shock to her and she wants to leave. She has only been there 7 days. We have been advised by the home not to visit, although she had a visit and trip out with family yesterday which has unsettled her. What do you advise re phoning and visiting and also how to handle her wanting to leave? Also as yet she does not have/ we have not seen a care plan or a key worker which they said she would have.
     
  2. Girlonthehill

    Girlonthehill Registered User

    Jan 1, 2015
    32
    Dorset
    http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showthread.php?81682-Mum-will-be-going-into-care

    Hi mariefluer
    I am hoping you will be able to read this thread. My mum went into a CH about 8 weeks ago. We were advised to stay away for two weeks to help,her settle. Omg that was so hard. Now she is settled - as much as anyone can be.every visit she asks why she is there why can't she come home. The saddest thing is that she is the only person who doesn't know how I'll,she is!
    When i visit which is almost every day now there is always one resident or another asking to come home.
    No one would want to be in a home, of course not. But circumstances sometimes demand that they are in a CH. Dad and I could not cope with mum any more. Every day I hear more stories from neighbours about things she had done or said!
    Stay strong, we are here for you xx
     
  3. Mariefleur

    Mariefleur Registered User

    Sep 23, 2014
    17
    Thanks so much for your prompt and reassuring reply and the thread. All really helpful. I think the worst thing is none of my family is near the carehome. The nearest is 1 hour way. When mum has settled, one of my sisters can visit twice a week and other family members most weekends but it is too far for her friends to visit. Any suggestions gratefully received.


     
  4. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    4,624
    USA
    Hi Marie, and I'm so sorry to hear about your mother. Of course the move was a big shock, as you say. Anyone, but especially someone with dementia, needs time to make the transition.

    I don't want to sound heartless, but I agree with the advice not to visit for now. Maybe a few days, maybe a few weeks; it's hard to say and everyone is different.

    I would definitely ask the staff at the care home what they think and follow their advice on visits. Even if you are not visiting, you can be in touch with the staff as often as you like for updates and information. Remember that what you see when you visit, is often not what the staff observes.

    When you do visit, she will likely protest about being there, or want to go home, or both, or maybe not at all. Don't feel guilty if it is upsetting and you do only a short visit. If you get upset or overwhelmed, try a short break (I make a lot of trips to the toilet; she can't remember I just went five minutes ago!) or a distraction--biscuits work for my mother. Always have an exit line/exit strategy ready and don't be afraid to implement it and make the exit quick, not drawn-out. If you're really unsettled, phone the staff after you leave to see how she is.

    For what it's worth, my mother went into a care home in February, after living alone with no help and refusing assistance. Of course, to her, there was no problem with her living alone. (Never mind not eating, not bathing, not doing laundry, not cleaning, ancient food in the fridge, not being able to pay bills, living in squalor, the list goes on--but no, no problem, she was "fine.") I did not visit for at least a couple of weeks, as I was persona non grata and she was not, ahem, kind to me. After about a month, she began to settle a bit. Almost four months on, she is much more settled. I was told it would get better, but did not believe it. It did get better.

    Please hang in there and remember you can always come here for advice or just to vent. Nobody here will judge you. Hang in there!
     
  5. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,337
    Female
    South coast
    Im with everyone else here about the visiting.
    My mum went into a CH about a year ago and it was the same story as Amy. She insisted that she did all her own shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing etc etc when in fact she was doing none of it, was not eating, or washing, was arguing with her neighbours and started going walkabout and getting lost. :(

    She too has settled. I took everyones advice and didnt visit for a couple of weeks, but it was so hard. When I first went to visit I would plan to be there about half an hour before dinner (mid-day) so that she had some distraction from the carers getting everyone organised and I would make my escape then! Now she has settled I can take her out for lunch or a trip to see the sea, or a local garden centre. When she gets tired is when she starts asking to go home, so I try not to make the trips too long or tiring for her. I would recommend that she doesnt go out for a while and when you do take her out for the first time make it very short - maybe a visit to a cafe 2 mins away, quick cup of tea and cake then return.

    In the meantime how about sending her a picture postcard every few days? She will be able to see it all the time and will probably enjoy having it read to her again and again :)
     
  6. Mariefleur

    Mariefleur Registered User

    Sep 23, 2014
    17
    Thank you so much for taking the time to reply and your very helpful advice based on your experience. Am so glad to hear your mum settled. It's gives me hope. And the tips re visiting and exit strategy. Will pass on to my sisters.

     
  7. Mariefleur

    Mariefleur Registered User

    Sep 23, 2014
    17
    Thank you so much for your reply and really helpful suggestions re first visits. We have already made a mistake on the first visit by taking her out and away for several hours. I will pass on your advice to my sisters and hopefully the next one will go better. So hard. It seems cruel but I know it's not.

     
  8. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    4,624
    USA
    Marie, you are most welcome, and I can only hope I say something helpful or reassuring, whether to you or someone else. I've gotten so much help from TP.

    I know it's really difficult and don't know any way for it to not be difficult. Don't beat yourself up for taking your mum for a long outing; you had good intentions. You will learn as you go!

    It's not just an adjustment for your mother, but for everyone. Give yourself a chance to get used to it as well, and try to be kind to yourself. Best wishes, Marie.
     
  9. Mariefleur

    Mariefleur Registered User

    Sep 23, 2014
    17
    Thanks again Amy. I sent a lovely card to mum today. Trying not to beat myself up. Thank God for Talking Point!

     

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