Mum wants to go home..

[Nenny]

My mum is in a home after having a fall. Her dementia has got worse and the mental capacity has meant she was not allowed home to her bungalow. The decision taken out of my hands.

The problem I have is every time I visit she cries and wants to go back home. I have asked her where is home and it is not where her bungalow is but where she grew up. She doesn't want to be where she is because of the other residents. She is a loner always has been shy of other people and doesn't want to mix.

How do I approach the fact she cannot come home. Has anyone else had a similar dilemma?
Nenny

 

[fizzie]

Can the care home make give her some space - a quiet lounge or a room where there are not so many people? And can someone 'buddy' her up with someone - that often makes a difference.
Personally I wouldn't tell her she is not coming home - I would just say the doctor wants her to get stronger first and when she is better it will all be reviewed again, just be patient. Don't tell her this is 'home' because it isn't to her and it will take away all her hope xxx

 

[nitram]

As you have realised 'home' is just a concept, it's not a physical location, it's simply an impossible return to her youth.

You have to try ploys like 'the doctor says you should stay here a bit longer to gain sufficient strength to go home'.

Just keep putting it off, she may have impaired memory, little concept of time, and won't realise you've said it before.

 

[Tin]

Agree with Fizzie, if the care home are encouraging her to join in, then maybe they should stop, let her be, if she has things to fiddle with and keep her active in her own room then surely that is acceptable. A radio and tv in there. In her own time she may just potter around the care home.

 

[SnowWhite]

Sorry to hear this as I know it's very hard to contend with. We are having similar problems with my Mum. She's been in a care home since Dec and liked it initially but now has gone off it and thinks she could cope at home. She couldn't as she can't stand upright without her frame and couldn't even hold a kettle to make tea.

I just have to keep reminding her that she couldn't cope much as we would all like her to. She knows her house is sold subject to contract but even today she was saying she would change her mind and go home. It makes both of us feel sad.

Some days she is so miserable she won't even sit in her chair or go to the lounge, she just goes back to bed and says she's ill. If I take her out or bring her to mine for the day she's fine!

I think a lot of care homes are understaffed and it seems that at Mums home they spend more time ensuring it's all spotlessly clean and running like clockwork than spending time chatting to people or encouraging them to socialise which is a great shame.

I think all homes should have an Activities Co-ordinator. At Mums place they say they do activities every afternoon but it's just one of the carers maybe doing a game of bingo or giant snakes & ladders. If she is called away to help someone then the activity ceases. I have never known them do any craft work, reminiscence therapy or anything interesting. A woman comes in to play the piano once a fortnight and they seem to enjoy that. My Mum usually has a sleep after lunch and that's the only time they domit so she often misses it. She calls it "children's games" anyway, which I suppose it is really.

 

[Scouts girl]

I too have the same problem with my mum who has been in her care home since December. After a few weeks she seemed to be settling well but I am afraid as her VD is progressing rapidly she has become more and more agitated and distressed saying she just wants to go and can she go somewhere else?? I am happy with the care she is getting but I am sure like the majority of care homes, there is not enough staff to spend much one to one time with each resident. If mum is upset when I leave one of the staff will sit with her for a while but I know how stretched they are and probably cannot spend as much time individually as is needed. Our home does have a good Activities Organiser but again, although mum says she is bored and there is nothing to do all day, we find it hard to engage her in the activities as she has now lost the interest in doing things. I just go along with mums wishes and try a little persuading to join in with the activities when I am there and I know the staff have as well but more days than not she prefers to spend some time in her room, so I just do what makes her more relaxed and happier.

 

[Nenny]

All of you that replied has given me an insight that I am not the only one whose parent is in a care home that is short of staff and haven't the time to listen. I am visiting mum on Thursday and will suggest she will probably be happier in her own room, which is what she was doing in her bungalow, sitting in one room all day, not going outside and not wanting to. Apart from my husband and I and the carers we are the only people she saw. Always said she liked her own company.

 

[IzzyG]

My mum is in a home after having a fall. Her dementia has got worse and the mental capacity has meant she was not allowed home to her bungalow. The decision taken out of my hands.

The problem I have is every time I visit she cries and wants to go back home. I have asked her where is home and it is not where her bungalow is but where she grew up. She doesn't want to be where she is because of the other residents. She is a loner always has been shy of other people and doesn't want to mix.

How do I approach the fact she cannot come home. Has anyone else had a similar dilemma?
Nenny

Hi. My mum has recently been admitted to a care home. After the initial period of isolation because of covid (which was dreadful for her) she has settled well. Exept if my brother or I visit. she cries, becomes confused and verbally aggressive to staff because she wants to either go home or come home with one of us. The staff at the home have asked us not to visit her for this reason - but it feels as though we are deserting her. All the professionals agree that the home is the best place for her, but I cannot accept that I cannot see her. It sound as if you have a similar problem - I feel for you, and also would welcome any advice. IzzyG

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @IzzyG and welcome to Dementia Talking Point. You'll find lots of help and support here. This is an old thread so the original posters may not be around anymore, but this is a very common thing to happen which a lot of us have experienced.
Certainly there was a time when I thought I was doing more harm than good visiting my mother in her home. In the end (pre-covid restrictions) I decided that visiting once a week and timing my visiting to coincide with the morning activities session was the way to go. It gave us something to do, whether it was dancing to a guest singer, doing exercises or listening to a talk. I could then slip away when mum went to lunch or to the loo. Not saying goodbye meant that there weren't any triggers to set mum off wanting to come with me This last year I haven't seen much of mum and though she occasionally suggests she comes with me, she does seem more settled. In fact last time she seemed bored with me and would rather be with the carers. I don't know if your mum's home has activities at the moment. If it does it could be worth seeing if that makes visiting easier. I often think the going home isn't because our loved ones want to be with us, just that they don't feel right and think if they are somewhere else they will be better. My mum's idea of home is her parents' bungalow back in the 1930s.
Although it seems horrible not to visit, leaving it a couple of weeks and then seeing if things are better could be the way to go. It does sound counter-intuitive, but if it means your mother gets to see the place as her home then that will make future visits easier.
I'm sure others will be along with their experiences shortly, but in the meantime you might like to start your own thread. I've had one running ever since mum went into care and I find it is a useful diary, it's here if you want to take a look.

 

[IzzyG]

Thankyou so much Sarasa. I will start my own thread as you advise. Unfortunately, covid has had a huge effect on what the home can and can't do, and how residents can be visited, and hopefully things will be more relaxed soon.