Mum wants to 'go home' but she is home

Discussion in 'Middle - later stages of dementia' started by Zaf, Mar 17, 2018.

  1. Zaf

    Zaf Registered User

    Jan 8, 2015
    My mum is being cared for at home with 24/7 live in carers, I live next door and pop in a couple of times daily when I'm well enough; recently she is convinced she is living in one of her previous homes and can either get very weepy or occasionally angry, any advice what I should say or do please?
  2. sah

    sah Registered User

    Apr 20, 2009
    Maybe say that she can -once the decorators have finished/boiler's fixed/new carpets are down etc? You may need to say this often.....but it might be easier than trying to convince her that's she's wrong?

    Hopefuly this will just be a passing phase -fingers crossed!
  3. margherita

    margherita Registered User

    May 30, 2017
    Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
    I have also read that some people take their PWD out for a drive telling them they are going "home".
    It seems that some PWDs believe they are at home when they get back.
  4. lambchop

    lambchop Registered User

    Nov 18, 2011
    I would agree that it would be a good idea, if your mum is very distressed, to take her out until she calms down. If that doesn't work, as many other distraction techniques you can think of. Call the Alzheimer's helpline too. Maybe the carers have some ideas too. If you do take her out,you wil probably find this will be a regular routine you need to follow she she will probably forget that she 'went home'.
  5. Karen1062

    Karen1062 New member

    Mar 26, 2018
    Hi I am having the same problem with my mum she wants to go out,but once out wants to go home when we take her home she is convinced it is not her home and keeps asking who’s house she is in she has now also started to ask my dad to take her home even when she has been home all day. She has tried to leave the house twice now getting very angry with my dad when he has tried to stop her, she has no recollection of the incident the next day my dad is 86 and I worry how much longer he will be able to cope so far we have not had no help from social services.
  6. nae sporran

    nae sporran Volunteer Host

    Oct 29, 2014
    Welcome to TP Karen.
    This is a common problem with dementia, and I think my OH actually is pining for the safety of her childhood home when she has these phases. They do pass and thankfully she is settled now, but reassurance and patience has been the key. As for Social Services, have you tried to contact them ? Your mum is entitled to a care needs assessment and your dad is entitled to a carers assessment, by law. The waiting list in Brstol after filling out forms requesting the assessments was about 4 months last summer. If you have not asked, then it's worth doing so now. Tell them on the phone or by letter that your mum is vulnerable as she is trying to leave the house with no idea where she is.
  7. angelaraphael

    angelaraphael Registered User

    May 29, 2017
    I used to ask my mother if home was the town where she was born and she would reply yes so I would take her there for the day. Lately she has not been able to tell me what she means about going home except once she said she would like to speak to her mother and father who are long dead.
  8. Herewego

    Herewego Registered User

    Mar 9, 2017
    This sounds sooo familiar!! My OH has been going on about the 'other house' for over a year now. It is funny as it varies between knowing this is our house but then almost in the same breath, asking how I managed to buy it (and all the furnishings) without telling him about it. Then asking if I saw the people about who was paying for what etc. Packs his briefcase at night, gets his coat on and then asks me to take him home, back to the other house as he wants to go to bed and that his where it and his clothes are etc. My daughter suggested taking him around the block and then come back and tell him we are home......suppose it might work. He usually accepts that he should go upstairs to bed although occassionally gets annoyed with me when I say this is our house and his room is upstairs and we don't own any other house. We have lived here for 35 years but have extended the house 2x while here, changed the fireplace etal and I think he is finding the 'new' house as opposed to the original house confusing and so thinks the original house is the 'other ' house he thinks we have. I believe although he was diagnosed with Dementia - Alzheimer's, that in fact he has Lewy's Bodies type - on a daily basis he 'sees' people, on the neighbours roof (reading a newspaper!) or in our house, sitting in our lounge etal and/or hearing noises that are not there - very acute hearing especially of sounds no one else hears!

    Good to know that at some point he will stop asking about the 'other' house.....patients (mine) wears thin after going over it serveral times every day. You also can't say we will go see it later and hope he will forget as that is exactly the type of conversation he will remember and then say you said there was another house and you were going to take me there. I find distraction is the best option - saying we are going to do somehting or dinner is ready etal as he then usually stops going on about the other house - although usually only a temporary respite and a topic brought up again later in the day.

    I have found it comforting that my OH is not the only one doing this! :)
  9. Karen1062

    Karen1062 New member

    Mar 26, 2018
  10. Karen1062

    Karen1062 New member

    Mar 26, 2018
    I have been told that this is a very common question asked I would just love to find a distraction that works also how long this stage will last, my mum also talks to people that are not in the room and see’s people climbing up the neighbors wall she quite often talks to a little girl that she is convinced is sitting on the sofa we just go along with most things she says..... looks like we are all going through the same thing :)
  11. Herewego

    Herewego Registered User

    Mar 9, 2017
    Yes, it does sound like we are in the same stage - or rather those with the illness are! My husband has really taken a nosedive in the last 6-8 weeks. He has now started wandering - going out without telling me - getting up at stupid o'clock and going out - today he was at the local train station (10 min walk) and thankfully someone saw him and called the police and I think told him to go home as I was awoken by the police at our door. Apparently he was going to go to Scotland as that was apparently where one of our daughters was (she is on holiday with her family but not in Scotland!). He too apparently had a little girl he was concerned about. He still talks to and there are people in the house/car/garden the whole time.

    On Thursday he went to the pub for lunch with our son & daughter - went to the toilet and came back highly distressed - asked the kids if they had not heard him yelling/screaming as someone was in the toilet and not sure what they were doing but frightened him. I assume it was one of his delusions - this is the first time he has been frightened by them tho'.

    We are due to see his consultant in a couple of weeks and in the meantime I am sorting out getting some day centre respite - have not broached with OH yet that I am expecting him to go to a day centre 2/3 times a week. For the moment that window of time would be bliss. I was planning to do stuff today but because he is wandering and really is confused, I daren't leave him on his own as he is quite likely to just go out the front door!

    Ho hum guess I just have to watch the F1.
  12. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    Could he have seen his reflection in the mirror and thought it was another person?
  13. Herewego

    Herewego Registered User

    Mar 9, 2017
    Ahh thanks Canary - I had read about that but not thought of it at the time (I wasn't there just our kids & their dad) but that is possible.

    My OH has spoken to me a few times over the past few weeks and said he was looking for [my name] so clearly he did not recognise me as [my name]. So it is entirely possible that he saw himself in the mirror and just saw a 'stranger' looking back at him, As time goes by I am more and more convinced he has Dementia with Lewy Bodies as it is the only dementia which explains all his symptoms. Based on his initial diagnosis / scan they say it is Alzheimer's so who knows..............
  14. SpanishAnnie

    SpanishAnnie Registered User

    Apr 26, 2018
    My FIL has been living with us now coming up 8mths. In his lucid moments, which are getting rare now, he knows who we are and why he is with us. Lately he thinks he is in a care home, I am one of the staff and his son is the manager. He often asks why the doctor doesn’t come and that we are running the ‘home’ badly. He doesn’t want to leave but wants to report us for various bad management e.g. wrong colour sheets on bed, no doc on call, letting him sleep late, moving his clothes, all fictitious of course.

    I know we can’t reason with him but try to help him with these management issues...offered new colour sheets etc.

    What other tatics help when they are so adamant ? TIA

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