My mum constantly packs her belongings in the home and keeps asking to go home, unfortunately this has got worse recently. I can normally calm her down but now unfortunately she now wants to be picked up from work and to be taken home all the time . She yells at me and gets abusive on the phone and when I arrive at her care home. both my siblings have died and her husband of 62 years passed away 6 weeks ago in the same care home. She wants all of them to visit and she feels they do not love her anymore. There has been a large decline in her condition and would like any advice on ways of trying to calm her down and feel more settled. She is in a lovely care home, bright colourful and happy. I know it is not the staff and they are fantastic and so caring.
Mum wants to come home
- Thread starter classyka
- Start date
Hi @classyka and a warm welcome to Dementia Talking Point.
First of all it sounds sorry for the loss your father, that must be very hard alongside the deaths of your siblings and your mother's decline.
First of all I don't know if this thread Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired might help. Don't beat yourself up if you can't always manage it, but deflecting her demands by saying something such as 'yes, you can go home, but not now because I don't have the car, the heating has broken' etc etc might help. As for wanting people no longer here to visit, I made excuses as to why my mum couldn't see her parents. At the time mum moved into care my brother was very seriously ill. When mum wondered why he hadn't been to see her I sent him on an imaginary world tour as he's a musician and that is the sort of thing he would be doing.
I'd also ask the home to let her use the phone, or if she has her own somehow lose it. I'd also talk to the staff about how she is when you aren't there. It might be seeing you that sets you off.
I'm sure others will be along soon with their ideas, but in the meantime do have a look round this very friendly and supportive site.
First of all it sounds sorry for the loss your father, that must be very hard alongside the deaths of your siblings and your mother's decline.
First of all I don't know if this thread Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired might help. Don't beat yourself up if you can't always manage it, but deflecting her demands by saying something such as 'yes, you can go home, but not now because I don't have the car, the heating has broken' etc etc might help. As for wanting people no longer here to visit, I made excuses as to why my mum couldn't see her parents. At the time mum moved into care my brother was very seriously ill. When mum wondered why he hadn't been to see her I sent him on an imaginary world tour as he's a musician and that is the sort of thing he would be doing.
I'd also ask the home to let her use the phone, or if she has her own somehow lose it. I'd also talk to the staff about how she is when you aren't there. It might be seeing you that sets you off.
I'm sure others will be along soon with their ideas, but in the meantime do have a look round this very friendly and supportive site.
I dont know how long your mum has been in the home, but when my mum first moved to her care home she spent the first 6 weeks packing to go home. Once she had settled, though, she thrived.
I would get rid of any visual triggers that may be setting this off. If her suitcase is still there, take it home with you. Does she have her own phone? I think seeing the phone is triggering her too, so I would remove that too.
When you cannot meet their demands, but they are unable to understand why then the truth will just make them angry. The solution is therapeutic untruths aka "love lies" or "being economical with the truth". Come up with a "reason" which she would accept - its too hot/cold/dark to travel now... theres been a big accident causing all the roads to shut..... her home has a burst pipe that has to be fixed before she can go back ........... her relatives are on holiday, but will be back soon........
I know someone whose person with dementia was convinced that her ex was coming to the care home and would take her away and re-marry her. Apparently, he was delayed because her was stuck in traffic
and he was stuck in traffic for three years.........
I would get rid of any visual triggers that may be setting this off. If her suitcase is still there, take it home with you. Does she have her own phone? I think seeing the phone is triggering her too, so I would remove that too.
When you cannot meet their demands, but they are unable to understand why then the truth will just make them angry. The solution is therapeutic untruths aka "love lies" or "being economical with the truth". Come up with a "reason" which she would accept - its too hot/cold/dark to travel now... theres been a big accident causing all the roads to shut..... her home has a burst pipe that has to be fixed before she can go back ........... her relatives are on holiday, but will be back soon........
I know someone whose person with dementia was convinced that her ex was coming to the care home and would take her away and re-marry her. Apparently, he was delayed because her was stuck in traffic
and he was stuck in traffic for three years.........I’d find out what your Mum is like between visits. It sounds like she’s only recently gone into care so maybe you need to visit less frequently to begin with which will allow her time to settle. The staff should have received training in dealing with agitation so ask their opinion. As others have suggested I’d take the phone away. The staff will ring will if there’s a problem.
