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Mum wants to be left alone

Discussion in 'End of life care' started by Ywal, Apr 23, 2015.

  1. Ywal

    Ywal Registered User

    Jan 31, 2015
    Mum is 91 and has had dementia for quite a long time. We have carers going in four times a day and I was visiting several times. She lives alone in her own house and is now constantly in bed apart from toilet visits.
    She doesn't like people visiting, just wants to be left alone. When I go she won't visit the bathroom if I am in the house and just wants to sleep. She has always been a very private person and doesn't li me people around her. She hasn't eaten now for about ten days so I feel that the end can't be long. Anyone else experienced this level of wanting to be alone.
  2. jaymor

    jaymor Volunteer Moderator

    Jul 14, 2006
    Hello and welcome to Talking Point.

    My husband is at the stage of not being able to communicate and spends a lot of time with his eyes closed. I am sure from his movements and expression that he is not actually asleep just shutting the world out.
  3. ASH74

    ASH74 Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    Was she very social before? My MIL has never liked company. Also in the past how has she been when she was poorly. My MIL would (and still does) takes to her bed for days on end.

    What I am asking is this a new behaviour or a more extreme version of what she has done in the past.

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  4. Ywal

    Ywal Registered User

    Jan 31, 2015
    She has never really enjoyed much company and has gradually stopped people visitting. First her friends and the grandchildren and great grandchildren. That left just me. Now she doesn't know who I am it is just an annoyance when I go round.
  5. Ywal

    Ywal Registered User

    Jan 31, 2015
    I forgot to say that staying in bed is very unusual for her but she is now asleep most of the time
  6. Karjo

    Karjo Registered User

    Jan 11, 2012
    Have you asked her GP to visit your Mum? She may have an infection which even though the decision was made not to treat her if he thought the end may be near, at least he could make sure she is comfortable and not suffering.
  7. Ywal

    Ywal Registered User

    Jan 31, 2015
    He was there yesterday
  8. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    Brixham Devon
    Hi Ywal-welcome to TP. My late Husband started to sleep more and more-and even appeared to be sleeping when he was eating. This behaviour was more pronounced when he had infections-so please get that checked. However, he seemed to need the peace and quiet whether he had an infection or not-just more so when he was extra ill. The GP will be able to advise if your Mum is approaching the end of life, but you may have to ask that question directly to him as some GP's do not like to give out that information without being asked directly first.

    I'm so sorry that you have this worry

    Lyn T X
  9. Tara62

    Tara62 Registered User

    Yes, it sounds exactly like my mum.
  10. Ywal

    Ywal Registered User

    Jan 31, 2015
    It's now two and a half weeks since mum ate anything. She will still take very small sips of water. She doesn't seem to be in pain.
    Legs are very mottled now and breathing is more laboured than before. There is almost nothing left of her.
    She still appears not to want anybody with her.
    She is still in her own home and the carers coming in have been really good.
    There is nothing more to say but I pray that the end will come soon. She would have so hated this existence and dependency.
  11. Essie

    Essie Registered User

    Feb 11, 2015
    So sorry for you Ywal and your Mum - it does sound like the end is near for Mum and I hope it is very peaceful for her when the time comes. How hard for you though not to be able to be with her - if you stayed in another room would she know, at this late stage?
  12. cragmaid

    cragmaid Registered User

    Oct 18, 2010
    North East England
    Ywai, I know you are not living with Mum, but firstly, is there a way that you could stay 24/7 or do you have family/work commitmnts preventing this? If I was free, then I would want to be within shouting reach of Mum, because my Mum used to get disturbed when the carers came in and out of her room, but didn't bother when I was sitting in a chair near her but reading a book or playing a computer game or knitting or something. I'm not saying stop the carers you understand, just that I could say to Mum, " It's just x y or z come to...." and that took away any shock when her peace was broken. I could also be there to feed Mum a drink from her sippy cup and be on hand to ask the carer's to change her pad/bed when necesary ( ps Mum was in a care home at the time).

    It is so difficult to know what is the right thing to do.
    Thinking of you both...Maureen.x.
  13. Ywal

    Ywal Registered User

    Jan 31, 2015
    Mum passed away on May 3rd. This sounds hard but what I feel is relief. This terrible disease was very hard to watch. We managed to keep her at her home till the end, which is what she had always wanted. The GPs were really wonderful and so helpful.
    I will think of all of you going through this time
  14. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    SW London
    I don't think it sounds hard - I am sure many of us would feel the same. I am glad your mum's suffering is over, and that she was able to remain at home. x
  15. WIFE

    WIFE Registered User

    May 23, 2014
    Ywai - you don't sound hard just truthful. I expect if all of us who have lost a loved one to dementia or other horrible illness were honest we would tell you that one of the emotions we experienced was thankfulness that there was a cessation of confusion, pain and distress and also relief that we do not have to witness our loved one's suffering still. Do not be so hard on yourself - I am sure you looked after your Mother to the best of your ability. Thinking of you at this sad time WIFE
  16. Gigglemore

    Gigglemore Registered User

    Oct 18, 2013
    British Isles
    Condolences on the loss of your mum.

    I can understand your relief that she has been released from an existence none of us would want for ourselves. Well done for supporting her decision and enabling her to be given the care and support to allow her to die in her own home.
  17. Roses40

    Roses40 Registered User

    Jan 25, 2015
    Please accept my best wishes. I also felt relief when my Mam ended her journey. Love Rose x
  18. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    Sending my condolences. I'm glad your mum is now at peace.

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