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Mum unsettled again!

Paulineannc

Registered User
Apr 29, 2012
101
0
Devon
With mums bungalow on the market, and her now seeming to accept the fact that she will be staying in the home, things were looking up! BUT, she told us last week that a "helpful" visitor (when she was walking in the garden, possibly after we had left after the annual garden party) had told her that she wasn't a prisoner and was free to leave any time as long as she paid her bill! Argh!
Unbelievable that someone who knows nothing about her situation would say something like this to a resident. Am very angry, as when we saw her again yesterday, she actually remembered this, and it has really unsettled her, so not a good visit!
We are back to "I'd rather die than stay here, and I shall give up"! Etc
I have to say that when we left, she waved happily out of the dining room window, and probably forgot about it while she had her lunch.
Just not looking forward to future visits as it will probably be the main topic of conversation! How us it she can't remember things I tell her, but this subject will be stored for a long time, I suspect?:confused:
 

snoggy1one

Registered User
Jun 4, 2012
86
0
Manchester
What a coincidence. You could be writing my mums script.

Only the other day my mum was saying she had been told that she wasnt a prisoner and could leave the care home if she settled her bill and gave appropriate notice and mum has been hell bent on getting out and leaving the place ever since she moved in.

It is very very frustrating so I totally know the despair you must be feeling. I have now run out of little white lies like saying the manager is off, or the office staff have gone home and you have to give four weeks notice etc, just to bide me a bit more time. I hate to lie to mum,but what can you do. Everything I do is in my mums best interest but she thinks I am definately the bad guy who has imprisoned her, and it really breaks my heart to hear her disapproving of me and being suspicious of my intentions. Its a no win situation.

You are not alone in this and you can only do your best. Take a deep breath.
Good luck and take care. xxx
 

justjimjams

Registered User
Jan 30, 2013
12
0
Somerset
I have this problem too.. mum will sometimes 'remember' that the care home is not her home.. usually I end up asking her why it is she feels like that... (cos there is often something/someone..like your 'unhelpful' visitor, who has upset the applecart).

The other day she was unhappy because 'I'm just sitting here staring into space and there are only a few people here' (in the lounge). The staff normally stick the tv on at 11am, just to give a bit of peace first thing..

But because of this, she was making noises about not wanting to be there.
But the truth of the thing is, that like many, she is not capable of independant living.
So we just talked on the phone..about this and that, about the weather right now, about the tv in her room that she could switch on (she can manage it sometimes if not she has to ask). I talked to her about the trip out she went on.. with us, to the seaside. Upshot was, we had moved on to happier subjects... it diffused the situation .. ok, only for the time being.. till the next time of course. But it's the best I can do. She does normally settle, I think a lot of the time it's like this for a lot of folk.
 

Paulineannc

Registered User
Apr 29, 2012
101
0
Devon
Thanks for your comments! Certainly coincidence!
It is so frustrating when we are trying to do our best, and other outside influences make things worse. It's a no win situation!
Seems distraction is the only answer, together with a few white lies - but I don't find it easy! Just have to console myself with the thoughts that she couldn't manage life independently again - although, in her mind, she still could!
Thank you for your thoughts and support :)
 

Delphie

Registered User
Dec 14, 2011
1,269
0
There might not be a 'helpful visitor' you know. My mum has also apparently been told something similar and/or has read something like that, but it's either her own ideas 'remembered' in a particular way or, just as likely, bits of conversations she's been having with other residents, given how unlikely it is that someone visiting or a staff member would come out with something like that.

I too try to distract when my mum is in full going home (or, more likely in my mum's case, going travelling) mode. It doesn't always work and if she becomes agitated I cut the visit short and let the staff take over.
 

saffi

Registered User
Jul 31, 2013
0
0
'Am I going home now?'

I am new to this but thought my experiences linked to recent posts and would appreciate some advice if possible.
We have had to arrange for my mum to go into a care home local to me at short notice after being taken to hospital when a neighbour found her wandering in his garden at 3 am. She has been in the home, which she thinks is a sort of hotel, for four days and is constantly asking about going home. This is not an option as she has been deemed unable to make rational decisions and needing 24 hr care by the medical staff in the hospital.

Every time I go in she is asking me about going home. My sister and I have power of attorney and are having to sell the family house to fund her care fees. She doesn't know this. We are racked with guilt and I cry every time I leave after visiting her. She is not unhappy when she is distracted and has bonded well with staff and residents but just wants to go back to her own house. The staff are lovely and supportive but I would appreciate some advice from anyone out there coping with similar pleas on visits.
 

Paulineannc

Registered User
Apr 29, 2012
101
0
Devon
Saffi, I think you will find that this is the norm!
My mother, having Alzheimer's and VAscular Dementia, actually asked to go into a home as she was lonely and frightened, despite having a carer visiting each day, and me to call on. But, she denied all this after two weeks when I had found her a place in a lovely residential home. She is not unhappy there, and eats well too.
She has been there for 17 months now, but still asking about going home, and we have to lie all the time, which doesn't come easy to me.
I have recently put her home on the market, and having realised after all this time that she is not capable of independent living, have had to harden myself to this, but not easy, I know!
I know how guilty you feel, as have been through it all, but you are doing what you think is best for her, as she is not capable of looking after herself. Many if us on TP are in the same position.
Hugs x
 

saffi

Registered User
Jul 31, 2013
0
0
Saffi, I think you will find that this is the norm!
My mother, having Alzheimer's and VAscular Dementia, actually asked to go into a home as she was lonely and frightened, despite having a carer visiting each day, and me to call on. But, she denied all this after two weeks when I had found her a place in a lovely residential home. She is not unhappy there, and eats well too.
She has been there for 17 months now, but still asking about going home, and we have to lie all the time, which doesn't come easy to me.
I have recently put her home on the market, and having realised after all this time that she is not capable of independent living, have had to harden myself to this, but not easy, I know!
I know how guilty you feel, as have been through it all, but you are doing what you think is best for her, as she is not capable of looking after herself. Many if us on TP are in the same position.
Hugs x

Many thanks for reply. It does seem there is no easy way through this but it helps to know there are other people experiencing the same. Had a good visit with mum today so I'm going to take it one visit at a time. The whole financial minefield doesn't help either! They told us at the hospital that she couldn't live independently and one care home refused to take her as her behaviour was 'challenging' and she was no longer in the early stages of Alzheimer's. Even after this, when I see her on a good day I question what we are doing. In my head I know it's right but emotionally it's a nightmare. Thanks for support. x
 

Paulineannc

Registered User
Apr 29, 2012
101
0
Devon
I never know how mum is going to be when I visit, but I only know it will never be what I expect!
I used to dread each visit, but now I have become more philosophical about things! She never ceases to surprise me each time with her mood! I have to try and let her comments go over my head and not react! It gets easier as time goes by.:rolleyes:
Hopefully things will get easier for you Saffi x