1. Expert Q&A: Benefits - Weds 23 October, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of benefits. It will be hosted by Lauren from our Knowledge Services team. She'll be answering your questions on Wednesday 23 October between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

  1. hopefulasever

    hopefulasever Registered User

    Nov 24, 2010
    38
    So I visited my mum today and noticed her touching herself down there, I thought maybe she had a water infection or thrush but the nurse informed me she often does it just to pleasure herself. I know that this is a normal part of life but it was only her 60th birthday yesterday and I'd never seen her do it before.. I guess it kind of worries me how little general social awareness she has. It shouldn't really surprise me as she is at the end stage and can't really talk anymore, but I just don't know how to feel about it. I don't know how to talk to my friends about it as firstly I'm only 23 but also it's a bit of a generally embarrassing topic. I don't really want to talk to my dad about it either for the embarrassment factor but he's my only other relative.
    It's just really shaken me up and I don't know how to come to terms with it :(
     
  2. Jessbow

    Jessbow Registered User

    it might be a description of what she's actually doing,but personally I think the staff should be making some attempt to curb it, suggesting it only takes place her own room.

    Some things we can deal with, others we shouldn't have to, and I think this is one of them!

    I cannot imagine a chap would be left *pleasuring himself*' in the same way.

    Did you voice your concerns to anyone?
     
  3. hopefulasever

    hopefulasever Registered User

    Nov 24, 2010
    38
    Yeah they make sure she doesn't do it in public, just in her own room which we were in when she did it. I'm not really sure how they could curb it otherwise, she said they've known male patients do it too... :/
     
  4. garnuft

    garnuft Registered User

    Sep 7, 2012
    6,588
    Gosh...steep learning curve for you, it's your Mum but thankfully you seem to have a healthy grip on the 'morality' side of things.

    I learned about these things through my adult disabled son, uncomfortable as a Mam but not as hard as from your perspective.


    It makes no difference the gender of the person...and most things we HAVE to deal with...a person's sexual life being JUST another one.

    'Curb it'...well...dinosaur view, in my opinion.

    I'm glad you don't feel totally outraged and shocked by it and I'm saddened but not surprised that you don't feel able to talk to anyone about it.

    It's just another struggle that people who are disabled have...they have to fight through the prejudices of their carers.

    If she is doing it in the privacy of her own room...anyone who intrudes is the interloper and should respect her privacy more.

    Best wishes to you and your Mum,
    she is very young to have this illness and you are very young to learn how hard life can be.
    Keep on keeping on, keep trying to stay positive. xxx
     
  5. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,719
    Female
    London
    You just have to let it go and ignore it. As hard as it is to understand but she cannot help it. She no longer understands appropriate behaviour in public/in front of others.
    Just try and distract her with other activities you can do together.
     
  6. Kevinl

    Kevinl Registered User

    Aug 24, 2013
    4,783
    Salford
  7. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    I walk in on my mother room when mum was masturbating, she was shock as me seeing her doing that .
    she stop, covered herself
    while I Just walk out of her room
    I never said anything. Nor did mum
    I have never spoken a word about it to anyone, or even in this forum.

    I was shock but then


    I read Everyone has the right to express their sexuality without fear of judgement. This is no less the case for people with dementia.
    Which is very true .

    I do belive in
    To feel positive about life we have to feel free to express ourselves

    With mum & dementia if that made her feel free positive about life in expressing herself like that for herself .
    Who Am I to Judge her
     
  8. jan.s

    jan.s Registered User

    Sep 20, 2011
    7,352
    I'm not convinced she does it for sexual reasons, but probably for comfort.

    I would, as others have suggested, try to ignore it and refocus her hands! Having said that, residents gain their comfort in different ways.
     

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