Mum thought I was dead on Sunday

[Julie33]

My mum (69) is now in permanent care as of end of Jan 2020 after a rapid detonation over the past year from Lewy Bodies (diagnosed May 2019), she's had ups and downs but for the most part has settled more than I thought she would. I visit once to twice a week, and yesterday when my brother visited my mum apparently was in hysterics saying I was dead and had been searching for my body...

It's hard to put into words the mental and emotional manipulation and physical harm I've (I'm 34) endured since childhood at the hands of my mother. It's something I'm healing from though, but what is really tormenting me is that I could have years and years of this to come. I know it would be the same whether she was in her home, or a care home, but I can't help asking myself why I drew such a short straw when it came to parents.

My mum and dad divorced when I was three and I haven't seen him since I was 5. He was abusive toward my mum, but I'm too young to remember anything so I only have her word to go on and my older brother by 7 years has never indicated for or against her version of events. because of her type of dementia, hallucinations are frequent and now she has taken to seeing my dad in her toilet and frequently argues with him. I don't know if he is dead or alive as I haven't heard from him, apart from when I was 8 when he tried to get custody of me, and approx 8 years ago my mum was contacted by Interpol (he moved to Holland when him and mum divorced, was age 5 or so by then) because this second wife had reported him missing. That was the last I heard of it.

I don't really know what I am asking tbh. I have many family issues (don't most?) and I am serious about finding a therapist for it. I just need to ask people how to deal with the dead thing - when my brother told me I got angry first and foremost. Because it was like more manipulation. My brother clocked out many years ago with mum and has only within the last year become present (sons eh) but he has remained absent with me. He is annoyed I was granted POA years ago to the exclusion of him.

I had to phone mum on my lunch break today to reassure her I wasn't dead. I try to see her twice a week as I have always done but the thought of this for years and years to come will drive me into an early grave before it does her.

 

[Wakky]

My mum (69) is now in permanent care as of end of Jan 2020 after a rapid detonation over the past year from Lewy Bodies (diagnosed May 2019), she's had ups and downs but for the most part has settled more than I thought she would. I visit once to twice a week, and yesterday when my brother visited my mum apparently was in hysterics saying I was dead and had been searching for my body...

It's hard to put into words the mental and emotional manipulation and physical harm I've (I'm 34) endured since childhood at the hands of my mother. It's something I'm healing from though, but what is really tormenting me is that I could have years and years of this to come. I know it would be the same whether she was in her home, or a care home, but I can't help asking myself why I drew such a short straw when it came to parents.

My mum and dad divorced when I was three and I haven't seen him since I was 5. He was abusive toward my mum, but I'm too young to remember anything so I only have her word to go on and my older brother by 7 years has never indicated for or against her version of events. because of her type of dementia, hallucinations are frequent and now she has taken to seeing my dad in her toilet and frequently argues with him. I don't know if he is dead or alive as I haven't heard from him, apart from when I was 8 when he tried to get custody of me, and approx 8 years ago my mum was contacted by Interpol (he moved to Holland when him and mum divorced, was age 5 or so by then) because this second wife had reported him missing. That was the last I heard of it.

I don't really know what I am asking tbh. I have many family issues (don't most?) and I am serious about finding a therapist for it. I just need to ask people how to deal with the dead thing - when my brother told me I got angry first and foremost. Because it was like more manipulation. My brother clocked out many years ago with mum and has only within the last year become present (sons eh) but he has remained absent with me. He is annoyed I was granted POA years ago to the exclusion of him.

I had to phone mum on my lunch break today to reassure her I wasn't dead. I try to see her twice a week as I have always done but the thought of this for years and years to come will drive me into an early grave before it does her.

Hello. I could hear the anguish and frustration in your post and wanted to say I admire you for still trying to do the best for your mother after all you've dealt with. Don't argue with your brother about the POA, you were there and he wasn't! If she stays in full-time, you may find her easier to deal with as you can see her when you feel strong enough to visit and maybe choose not to if you are struggling. Am sending you very best wishes

 

[canary]

I am sorry that your mums delusion has upset you so much. I doubt it was deliberate - the delusions of people with Lewy Bodies frequently contains themes of death and violence. I think it was an unfortunate trigger.
xx

 

[Hazara8]

My mum (69) is now in permanent care as of end of Jan 2020 after a rapid detonation over the past year from Lewy Bodies (diagnosed May 2019), she's had ups and downs but for the most part has settled more than I thought she would. I visit once to twice a week, and yesterday when my brother visited my mum apparently was in hysterics saying I was dead and had been searching for my body...

It's hard to put into words the mental and emotional manipulation and physical harm I've (I'm 34) endured since childhood at the hands of my mother. It's something I'm healing from though, but what is really tormenting me is that I could have years and years of this to come. I know it would be the same whether she was in her home, or a care home, but I can't help asking myself why I drew such a short straw when it came to parents.

My mum and dad divorced when I was three and I haven't seen him since I was 5. He was abusive toward my mum, but I'm too young to remember anything so I only have her word to go on and my older brother by 7 years has never indicated for or against her version of events. because of her type of dementia, hallucinations are frequent and now she has taken to seeing my dad in her toilet and frequently argues with him. I don't know if he is dead or alive as I haven't heard from him, apart from when I was 8 when he tried to get custody of me, and approx 8 years ago my mum was contacted by Interpol (he moved to Holland when him and mum divorced, was age 5 or so by then) because this second wife had reported him missing. That was the last I heard of it.

I don't really know what I am asking tbh. I have many family issues (don't most?) and I am serious about finding a therapist for it. I just need to ask people how to deal with the dead thing - when my brother told me I got angry first and foremost. Because it was like more manipulation. My brother clocked out many years ago with mum and has only within the last year become present (sons eh) but he has remained absent with me. He is annoyed I was granted POA years ago to the exclusion of him.

I had to phone mum on my lunch break today to reassure her I wasn't dead. I try to see her twice a week as I have always done but the thought of this for years and years to come will drive me into an early grave before it does her.

That is a broad range of issues which illustrate very well the often complex background to the situation of a relationship with dementia in a parent. We are advised NEVER to contradict dementia, even when the belief ( someone is no longer alive/ or someone is still alive) is seemingly irrefutable to the believer. I reflect on a mother being reminded that her husband had been dead these ten years. When the visiting family departed the elderly mother ( Alzheimer's) became distressed and repeatedly asked about her late husband. A second bereavement took place. Because dementia affords loss of short term memory the " white lie" can avoid distress or sometimes pronounced upset. One has to judge carefully dependant on the level of dementia whether Lewy bodies, Alzheimer's, vascular et al as to one's response to delusional statements because they tend to be as truthful to the believer as are the actual facts to ourselves. I know it seems simplistic, but a day to day approach whenever possible curbs that rather helpless feeling of projected gloom, because there are days which are good and free of such things and which we cherish.

 

[nae sporran]

Sorry to read of your woes, @Julie33. I don't know enough about lewy body dementia, though the fact sheets at https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/about-dementia/types-dementia/dementia-with-lewy-bodies-symptoms may help if you have not already seen them. My partner has had delusions about seeing me with floosies and was convinced for a while that her mum is still alive but in hospital somewhere, and it is hard to handle. Patience and a lot of long walks in the park got me through.
You mentioned therapy, and from experience I can recommend counselling and CBT to give you some tools to deal with the feelings you naturally have as a result of your upbringing.

 

[Helly68]

I can also recommend CBT.

My mother has life long mental health problems and my parents relationship can best be described as complicated, even before mixed dementia was diagnosed.
All we can do is try to deal with what is in front of us each day and lose the guilt (my biggest issue). Very hard to do, but guilt serves no purpose.

 

[Julie33]

Hello. I could hear the anguish and frustration in your post and wanted to say I admire you for still trying to do the best for your mother after all you've dealt with. Don't argue with your brother about the POA, you were there and he wasn't! If she stays in full-time, you may find her easier to deal with as you can see her when you feel strong enough to visit and maybe choose not to if you are struggling. Am sending you very best wishes

Thank you, she's still very much in the settling in stage. Bad days and not so bad days. My brother skipped out on us years ago then acts surprised when it comes to light mum had already arranged POA some years ago and made me it. He was saying "but mum said I had my own life to live and not worry about her..." urgh, anyway. Karma.

 

[Julie33]

I am sorry that your mums delusion has upset you so much. I doubt it was deliberate - the delusions of people with Lewy Bodies frequently contains themes of death and violence. I think it was an unfortunate trigger.
xx

Thank you Canary. It's so hard to deal with, I'm fine I always am, mum hasn't worried about me most of her life and now she is in hysterics over thinking I've died. It's just a bit of a mind ****

 

[CeliaThePoet]

Julie33, my mother (with unspecified dementia) went through a long period where she thought I was dead, or being held captive. It was quite horrible to hear this (from her, from her case manager too) as well as to contemplate the anguish it surely caused her. It was also awful to know that nothing I did or said could take that untruth out of her brain.

Horror all around,. You have my support.

 

[Julie33]

Julie33, my mother (with unspecified dementia) went through a long period where she thought I was dead, or being held captive. It was quite horrible to hear this (from her, from her case manager too) as well as to contemplate the anguish it surely caused her. It was also awful to know that nothing I did or said could take that untruth out of her brain.

Horror all around,. You have my support.

I'm so strong as well and hate anyone worrying about me, always have done, so this just makes me feel even worse. She never remembered why she was upset when I visited today. She knew she was upset, but couldn't articulate why, it was very abstract.