Mum survived TIA but I'm scared to go on holiday

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Gigglemore, Jun 30, 2015.

  1. Gigglemore

    Gigglemore Registered User

    Oct 18, 2013
    British Isles
    An emergency doctor was called to NH at the weekend, when I got there he explained Mum had a TIA. He said she might have another event within 24 hours which could be fatal but that it was impossible to predict and she could live for weeks. But with hindsight I don't know whether saying "weeks" rather than "weeks or months" was just a figure of speech.

    I sat quietly with her for a couple of hours while she slept. Went back later to feed her. 2nd visit was lovely, she was really smiley and responsive and trying to chat so I thought "this is the recovery before someone passes" and went home fully expecting a call during the night - and very ready for her to go quickly feeling that the memories of that 2nd visit would be a comfort.

    No call out, when I went to feed her next day she was back to normal (an odd minute or two of contact but a lot of vacant staring, needing reminders to swallow food etc). I visit most days to hand-feed her evening meal and clean her teeth when possible.

    My dilemma is that I have a short holiday booked for July with my long term partner (who I don't live with). Although he stayed with me the night I expected her to "go" and was very supportive he is still acting as if we are going away. I was going to explain to him next time I see him face to face that I don't feel OK about going but he phoned me today and told me he's arranged a lift to the airport for us and I chickened out of saying anything. Last time we went away Mum got really ill, and I have been very aware that she could die at any time.

    Sorry it's such an essay, I know I have to make my own mind up about what to do. Just wanted to "talk" to someone who understands these dilemmas. Am so hoping that Mum does not have a long and horrible end - really don't think I could bear it.
  2. cragmaid

    cragmaid Registered User

    Oct 18, 2010
    North East England
    At the risk of sounding callous, and presuming that you have travel insurance covering curtailment, I say....go! Well at least for now work towards your going as planned. An awful can happen, or not happen, in the next few weeks.

    But please, talk to you partner. Let him know what you are feeling, don't just let it tick over till the car arrives to take you to the airport and your case is still in the loft.!!:eek:
  3. Caroleca

    Caroleca Registered User

    Jan 11, 2014
    Ontario canada
    I say go on vacation. You know that's what mom would want.
  4. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    My OH has TIAs, he's had loads over the past few years and is still with us.
    Yes, these things can happen, my FIL died when we were on holiday, but it was semi- expected! We didn't cut the holiday short and it didn't seem to bother either of us ( first decent holiday for a number of years).
  5. Leswi

    Leswi Registered User

    Jul 13, 2014
    I'd say go away as planned. Mum had a series of TIAs between Oct and Jan and hospital think she had more previously that we were not aware of. Worst one left mum unresponsive for half hour then severe confusion, tiredness, unable to walk, swallowing problems. She pulled through and has had a few good months after getting a bit of strength back. She's got very confused again last couple of weeks, but we don't feel that we are just sitting waiting for the end... can't predict what is coming from one day to the next, good days and bad.
  6. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    My Dads having lots of TIAs at the moment.
  7. Gigglemore

    Gigglemore Registered User

    Oct 18, 2013
    British Isles
    Many thanks folks, surprised you're all saying go so it is helpful to have your opinions. Given her already short life expectancy, I had deliberately booked travel that can be changed at short notice for no charge so I don't need to decide this week.

    Have told NH I'm not feeding Mum tomorrow, a bit of "distance" might help me think straight. Going out for meal with friends, but will have some quiet time with partner first to explain my concerns (am sure he must suspect).

    "Told" Mum earlier that I'm going away with him next month and saw a slight twitch of a smile at the mention of his name - but a couple of moments later she had switched off again. Tried to imagine what healthy Mum would tell me to do. She wouldn't want partner to miss a holiday (this was the argument that got her to agree to her first stay in respite care!) but she would be terrified of dying alone without me. Which I know is what will likely happen if she has a stroke while I'm at home anyway - this was her first diagnosed TIA.
  8. Lawson58

    Lawson58 Registered User

    Friends of ours, a married couple had planned a trip abroad when they retired. However, her mum was 90 years old and quite unwell so they postponed any travel thinking mum would not be with them too much longer.

    After a year, they bit the bullet and decided they should go and if something happened to mum while they were away, then they would deal with it. So they went to Europe for six weeks, had a wonderful trip and mum lived another 3 years.

    So go on your holiday and enjoy it.
  9. meme

    meme Registered User

    Aug 29, 2011
    as weeks have been mentioned...I would postpone the holiday for a couple of months and re book
  10. Leswi

    Leswi Registered User

    Jul 13, 2014
    I would suggest clarifying the 'weeks' situation which may well have been said on spur
    of moment to indicate that she could quite probably go on to live for quite some time ... time unknown. I spoke to mum's GP when I thought she was facing the end and he told me it was impossible to predict, sometimes people he expects to pass away continue for years and others who he thought would be OK are the ones that go. My conversation with GP was 8 months ago and she is still with us.
  11. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    SW London
    From the time my mother went into her CH I was always worried when we went away that 'something would happen' and she would die when I was too far away to be with her. But she has been there nearly 8 years now - she was 97 last week so 'something' could happen at any time now - but nothing ever did and I have to say I no longer let it worry me.
    We are going to be away for a couple of weeks very soon - daughter is having her big wedding bash in France and we will be staying before and after to help in general and with new baby, and much as I will feel very sad if 'something happens' while we are gone I am not going to let worry cloud the occasion.

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