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Mum struggling to cope with dad

Startrek

New member
Jan 25, 2021
5
0
My dad has Dementia and has got worse during lockdown, mum is now struggling to cope with him. She admitted today dad was getting more and more aggressive and it’s harder to find ways of distracting him. Today he doesn’t know who mum is, keeps asking for his wife,. die to lockdown I’ve been unable to visit and provide support to mum. I think she’s had enough now, she’s tired and is feeling alone. I’m not sure what to do. Any advice please.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
14,934
0
South coast
He @Startrek and welcome to DTP

Your mum should not have to put up with aggression. Does the GP know about that?
I would contact the GP and let them know what is happening. There is medication that can be used to calm him down.
Also tell your mum to always carry a charged mobile in her pocket in case it all kicks off. Tell her not to hesitate to call the police if necessary - they know how to deal with this sort of situation and have the authority to contact the emergency psychiatric team (they are often the ones who deal with medication for aggression). She needs to keep herself safe.
 

angelict

Registered User
Jan 16, 2020
153
0
Welcome @Startrek I'm wondering if it could possibly be a UTI as @canary has suggested contact the GP about change in behaviour your Mum is obviously taking the brunt of things and what you don't want is a crisis take care 😉
 

Startrek

New member
Jan 25, 2021
5
0
Thank you, yes it was a UTI which is being treated now, dad seems calmer today and slept well, so did mum
 

Startrek

New member
Jan 25, 2021
5
0
All kicked off again today, mum's scared of dad now. The Mental Health Assessment Team have just arrived to review the situation. They may have to remove dad. Mum is so upset by this, thinks she has let him down, wants to try and keep him at home if possible. I'm not sure it will be on in the long run. My thinking is I need to keep my mum safe. Any advice ? I'm torn !
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
10,088
0
Yorkshire
hi @Startrek
I agree, your mum needs to be safe and your dad needs much more support than care at home can provide
your mum hasn't let anyone down, one person with dementia can need the care of a team, which a wife even with home care visits, simply cannot offer without putting herself at risk, which is not fair on her .... and trying to keep him at home may be denying him what he needs right now

tell the Assessment team everything, be brutally honest, they need to know the full picture to be able to have a chance of helping your dad
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
14,934
0
South coast
Mum is so upset by this, thinks she has let him down, wants to try and keep him at home if possible
Of course she wants to keep him at home if possible, but there comes a time when it simply isnt possible any more and it sounds like that stage has been reached. Your dad, bless him, no longer knows that he is at home, nor recognises his wife so he is frightened and your mum, poor thing, is afraid of your dads aggression. It is by no means unknown for someone with dementia to injure their carer and I honestly think that it would be best for both of them if he moved into a care home.
 

Startrek

New member
Jan 25, 2021
5
0
So an update on the situation. Dad got worse during the week and the MH Team decided to take him into hospital for assessment, very upsetting for all of us, especially mum, who feels so guilty. Although, I said not too, dad's in the best place, we need to know why he is kicking off so much and mum can't deal with that amount of aggression. He's been in the Unit since last week, it didn't start well, he kicked off and actually punched another patient ! which in a way, does show the medical team that he has a problem. In the meantime, we know he is safe and being looked after, I can focus on mum. We all feel very upset about letting dad go into hospital, but what else could we do ??
 

Lorna44

Registered User
Jul 16, 2016
219
0
Surrey
It is definitely the best thing for your dear Dad, he can be assessed and looked after, meds can be reviewed and tweaked. They will then look for the best thing for your Dad & your family.
What I found, when my mum went into her nursing home it allowed me to be her daughter again, free from the role of permanent carer. It allowed me to enjoy Mum again & spending quality time with her instead of worrying, being scared and wondering when the next crisis was going to occur.
Lots of love to you & your mum.
 

Bod

Registered User
Aug 30, 2013
1,398
0
In many respects, it's good that Dad "kicked off" at least now the Unit know what they are dealing with, and can treat correctly.
He may be medicated, and not his "normal" self when you next see him, but this will be altered as required, to get him stable, and more content.
He may not be able to come home again.

Bod.
 

Startrek

New member
Jan 25, 2021
5
0
So dads been in the hospital for two weeks now, the hospital rang mum today to say dad was ready to come home ! They’ve treated him for a psychotic episode given him drugs and the doctor has spoken to dad and he’s a changed man, very calm. Mum nearly freaked out, thinking he was going to be discharged and sent home straight away, shes not ready for him if at all for dad to return after all the violent stuff, but feels guilty and upset that she can’t cope with dad going forward. Then the doctor actually told me dad he was coming home! What a muppet ! which means he was upset when he found out he wasn’t yet. I don’t think mum should take dad home if she feels she can’t, or doesn’t feel safe. Does make you feel very sad and guilty though
 

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