mum still angry in care home

[annii1]

Mum has been in a care home for a few weeks. We thought she may have been settling a little as my dad has had some better visits, but yesterday she was shouting at him that he put her there, no one visits, she hates it there, getting very angry saying other residents are idiots she is going to hit them. Mum has always been very strong willed and the illness
Has changed her personality in many ways. When mum is like this during visits we come out feeling ill ourselves, with guilt and the realisation that if she doesn't settle it makes it difficult for us to take her out and try to have some nice outings. I don't want to take my little boy to see her if she is like this, full of anger. I also wonder if it does mum any good as she does seem to be more settled when we don't visit. Perhaps that is the answer, not to visit so often for mum's sake? My dad is going through chemotherapy and he is becoming depressed, finding visits so draining. Things are never going to be the same for mum or us now she is in a care home, but it's how to handle visits and emotions?

 

[starryuk]

Oh dear, this is so difficult, isn't it?

I was just thinking...my mum, who is in a CH starts talking about hitting, kicking residents and being really nasty when she gets a UTI. She says outrageous and illogical things, so I have learned not to take her comments seriously or personally in these circumstances. At other times she is much calmer. In fact now, at the first hint of bad temper, the staff check her urine.

It is early days for your mum, I hope she begins to settle more soon, but it has only been a few weeks and it can take time.

It is such a dilemma whether to visit or stay away a bit isn't it? I am not sure except that if I do miss a couple of days visiting, my mum doesn't often notice/mention it!

 

[Noorza]

It may be kinder to reduce the visits for a while anyway, kinder for your dad, your mum and yourselves. The angry stage is a truly horrible one, it's puts you through an emotional wringer.

I do feel for you.

 

[annii1]

The anger and the tears are so hArd to cope with. The anger is worse I think as she shouts that I don't love her and it breaks my heart. I know it's the illness talking but it doesn't make it any easier, and I think she must be going through so much turmoil in herself and I can't do anything to help.

 

[CollegeGirl]

I'm so sorry, annii1, this must be heartbreaking. My mam is not in a care home, but she does go into one for periods of respite. Once I had to take her in for emergency respite as my dad was very poorly, and when I visited her she was absolutely furious and was vile to me. When I told her that I loved her, she spat that I'd never loved her, and told me to get out. I was in tears, it was horrible.

I think the problem is that sometimes, and definitely in my mam's case, sufferers think there is nothing wrong with them, so understandably feel aggrieved at being placed somewhere that isn't their own home.

Yes, it's the illness, we know that, but knowing that doesn't always help us to deal with it very well, does it?

My heart goes out to you. I hope your mum starts to settle soon. xx

 

[angecmc]

Hi, my Mum has been in carehome for roughly 9 weeks and she too has days of anger, she recently had to go into hospital a couple of times which didnt help, before this, my Dad used to goevery day and spend nearly all day with her and she always seemed angry, wanting to come home etc. Then Dad became ill and couldnt go to see her for a whole week, I also took the opportunity to have a break from her, only going twice in that week, she semed calmer, so now Dad is a little better and started going back in to see her, but is only going from 2 till 4 and so far has been going in every other day, I think she is better for it as it has given her a chance to form relationship with the carers, so I hope he keeps up this new routine which is better for all of us. Why not try leaving visiting for a few days , then try every other day. It may not work but we have to try all ways. It is really hard isnt it? I do feel for you xx

Ange

 

[snoggy1one]

Just had to comment..

I just wanted to say that it is amazing how many people have the same problem. My mum has days when she is completely unmanageable and the disease has totally changed her personality and made her very awkward indeed. Mum used to be a very quiet and patient person, a true lady, who was kind and lady like.

At times when I visit mum now she is impatient with me and everything is wrong and whatever I do annoys her and displeases her. Alzheimers is a very unpredictable and cruel disease, and has many faces.

I, too have felt ill after visiting my mum and it does affect my moods and at times my nerves. I try to ignore mums nasty comments to me but it is not easy and mum is now jealous of me having contact with my friends,my husband and even if I mention my sons and daughter. MUm considers everyone to be competition for her and even told me to get rid of my beloved old dog.

I try hard to bite my lip and ignore things and change the subject, reduce my visits, walk out or get in the car and put the radio on full blast. I can honestly say, I miss my old mum and hate visiting the care home. I hate that we have no privacy and her outbursts are always witnessed by both staff and residents. Mum can be very insulting to everyone and her comments can at times be degrading and very personal.

Words fail me...

 

[PhillT]

no home anymore

I just read the Durham Times.
A poor 93 year old lady might be evicted from
her Nursing home because of budget cuts.
Changing her environment will
undoubtedly destabilise her mental health.
The lack of trust in government services
is one of many reasons
why people staying in their
homes longer .
Which causes stress and
anxiety on the care giver and family.
What will happen when majority of the population
needs full time care?
Phill