Mum starving herself..what do I do now?

[Chaucer 1931]

Has anyone else been through a similar crisis/experience of their loved one refusing to eat and drink,with the intention of getting to die quicker??
My mum has been in hospital on a elderly/dementia/mental health ward for a week and she has been finally diagnosed with having moderate stage Alzheimer's..She is otherwise healthy apart from her not being too good on her feet,which the physio had been working with her..
Her appetite hasn't been good for a while at home,and I have been giving her soft food that she enjoys,also making sure she was taking enough liquids as she has a indwelling catheter,to avoid the dreaded UTI,s.

I thought she was doing good,and despite being in my eyes deteriorated memory wise,she was enjoying her hospital meals. When I have visited,I have asked her and the nurses if she had managed to eat her food ok,any issues and she is hardly eating,or drinking,maybe 'forgetting' that she is hungry/thirsty..

The nurses said she did need some coaxing but she had told them,she doesn't need food where she's going.

When I visited last night,she was very lucid but was worrying about me and her granddaughters missing out on life because we would be 'tied' to her and she didn't want to be a burden to us and she has lived her life and doesn't want to get worse,messing herself etc.. I reassured her I would do my best to look after her,but I do agree with what she's saying in the sense that if I were( and probably will be) in her shoes,I would feel the same ..
We've had discussions in the past about this as her mum had dementia and to finish up with didn't want to carry on-not talking to anyone including her family..she had at some point managed to scribble one word 'Euthanasia' on a scrap of paper and thrust it across her hospital table at me.. That has stuck in my mind for years-she knew what she wanted..

I have told the nurses what my mum told me,and they said they would mention this to the consultant who would be on the ward today..
I did go to the newsagents in the hospital and bought her drinks what she likes and some snacks that she could manage to eat-but she told me to take them home with me,give them to the kids,she didn't want them.
I left them on her bedside trolley,and told the nurses what I'd got for her and would they try and get her to try something later,not forcing her,but coming from someone else might be more better than me..
Can anyone advise me how to tread with this please,I'm in bits..Thank you xx

 

[stanleypj]

Hi, this must be very, very hard for you.

When this kind of topic appears on TP, as it does regularly, the person refusing to eat or just not eating is at a much later stage than your mum appears to be.

I think you have done the right thing in informing the staff of your mum's current wishes, even though this is so difficult for you.

How do/would other family members feel?

If someone is really determined to starve themselves to death it's likely that they will eventually succeed but most relatives would not wish to have to experience this with them. It's also the case that it may just be a stage in the progression and that she may forget her resolve.

I hope the professionals will be able to help you talk this through.

 

[Chaucer 1931]

Hi Stanley,

Thanks for replying,it is really hard for me to deal with,I'm torn in two really..
I can completely understand her not wanting to carry on and lose total control over her mind and body,she has not much quality of life as it is now,and i don't want to see her tormented as I did my gran and great auntie with this disease..it's just so wrong.. On the other hand,I don't want her to suffer a death like the one she's trying to achieve..it's too distressing to think of,my eldest daughter thinks the same as me,it's grandma's choice if she wants to die before she gets worse,but carry on offering her food and drink and see if she will change her mind..but don't force her,if she doesn't want it,she doesn't want it..
I can accept that.
I'm an advocate for euthanasia but when it comes down to this death wish my mum has,it's really hard to stand back and watch..
Saying that,I don't want to be accused of neglect,which is going to be on the lips of everyone if my mum does achieve what she's set on doing ..

She might be depressed,I can accept that she is,I suppose if I had AD then I would-who wouldn't!


I'm at conflict with myself,I can respect my mums decision,just having trouble -feeling uncomfortable because there's nothing positive I can say to sway her or offer her..

 

[FifiMo]

I wonder if, in your mum's mind, she sees her hospital stay as being long and asserted that she is at the end of the road kind of thing. It could be that with the help, say, of the nurses or the consultant, that you need to be a bit assertive with her and tell her that her end is not near and that she is in the hospital so that they can get her physically fit again so that she can get out and enjoy being with her family. They could tell her for example that her stopping eating is not an option right now and that they would have to consider feeding her via a tube if this continues. From your point of view I would play the family card and how important she is to everyone and how her granddaughters are devastated to think that she might not be eating through choice. Tell her that they want her around for as long as possible and that this isn't about her being a burden - it is about family coming together to support her and be with her.

Maybe you need to quietly expand on the euthanasia discussion to say that when the time is right you will not stop her and make her eat but that time is not now.

Then I would be talking to the Drs to see what the plans are for getting her fit for discharge. At least to give her something to grasp on to if you get my drift.

If this wouldn't work with your mum then just ignore my ramblings. LOL

Fiona

 

[Chaucer 1931]

Thanks so much Fiona,I think what you've said makes sense and I will tell her that she is worrying and upsetting her granddaughters by refusing to eat,that might work.
I think if I also told her a white lie,that the doctors were going to put a camera down her throat to her stomach to see if there's anything stopping from eating,that would probably work!
I do make her feel valued and tell her I love her each time I visit,but with her thoughts on ending it quicker at the back of her mind,I'm trying to be as upbeat as I can.
I'm going to see her tomorrow afternoon,hopefully I won't have to tell her a few white lies!

 

[meme]

my mother stopped eating ..she was still in her own home, and ended up eventually with just sips of water...I supported her, hard as it was.... and it was her way of saying her body and her mind had come to the end now...it is a hard thing to follow but I do believe we have the right to choose to bow out ...it was around 6 weeks till death but she was in no pain and talking till her last goodnight.

 

[Chaucer 1931]

I agree with you Meme,I think my mum has decided she has had enough,maybe she will have been coaxed to eat last night/this morning,
It's hard to stand back and watch,but I will respect her wishes,she hasn't much choice over how her mind and body is deteriorating and her seeing her own mum suffer through this disease has surely made her more resolute..
I was preparing for her to come home this coming week,the occupational therapist had spoken to me about aids that she could be offered to help her about the house and i was expecting a call from SS for my mum to be given a SW,to assess things..
Saying all that,I can't see her coming home from hospital yet if she isn't eating and drinking,and as she still has the capacity to communicate,they are looking at depression treatment?? That's my theory.. I want to respect her decision,so maybe I should,I don't want her being forced into prolonging her life,just to make others feel better as though they are doing their jobs properly.. It's a taboo subject,just very hard to go through all this..
Saying that,il see what today brings.

 

[mumbasi]

my mother stopped eating ..she was still in her own home, and ended up eventually with just sips of water...I supported her, hard as it was.... and it was her way of saying her body and her mind had come to the end now...it is a hard thing to follow but I do believe we have the right to choose to bow out ...it was around 6 weeks till death but she was in no pain and talking till her last goodnight.

What a loving response and one I support.

 

[Chaucer 1931]

What a loving response and one I support.

I'm with you Mumbasi,It is a loving supportive response and I too support anyone who stands by their loved ones decision to choose this too.
I'm off to see my mum now,see if she has been swayed or not..

 

[Noorza]

my mother stopped eating ..she was still in her own home, and ended up eventually with just sips of water...I supported her, hard as it was.... and it was her way of saying her body and her mind had come to the end now...it is a hard thing to follow but I do believe we have the right to choose to bow out ...it was around 6 weeks till death but she was in no pain and talking till her last goodnight.

I too agree with this but understand how hard it is.

This weeks live chat was about eating and drinking and there were lots of really interesting links supplied by the AS expert.

You can find a transcript of it here.

http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...on-transcripts&p=907716&viewfull=1#post907716

I hope something there may be useful to you.

 

[Chaucer 1931]

Thanks Noorza,I will read that transcript when I get home-just visiting my mum,who has started eating a little again,although she had been sick this morning so I was told-that may explain her reluctance to eat if she wasn't feeling too good before then.. It's a minefield isn't it!? Just learning my way as I go,without TP,I guess I would be lost for sure!
Take Care,
Jane x

 

[Noorza]

There are some really good links in there. This is one I haven't had to face yet, mum seems to forget she's eaten and grazes all day long. It's one thing I love about this place is there is always someone who has been where you and I are now and will have ideas.

 

[Chaucer 1931]

Just read the transcripts from the link you sent me Noorza,thanks for that,very good tips for me to try with mum when she's back home.
And as you say this disease swings from one extreme to another,I'm glad your mum has got a healthy appetite though,it's not a predictable path for any of us at any point.
That's why I like this forum so much,so much information that simply isn't easily found elsewhere!