Mum slipped away 13 months ago

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by wornoutbattling, Dec 23, 2015.

  1. wornoutbattling

    wornoutbattling Registered User

    Aug 25, 2014
    Hello everyone,
    I haven't posted here for about 12 months. My beloved Mum passed away aged 93 in November 2014. I had been her carer for 5 years before she finally moved to a nursing home. My grief hasn't got any better in the meantime, it's just got different.

    As time passes I feel Mum's loss even more deeply. The newness and disbelief have faded, and now I just have the reality. I'm walking and talking, eating and sleeping, but feel desolate inside.

    Even now when stuff happens my first reaction is "Can't wait to tell Mum". Or when something good happens, or something I know would amuse her, I feel it so badly that I can't tell her, and make her smile. My Mum just understood me, like no-one else. And I understood her.

    Last Christmas and new year passed in a mist of sorrow. It didn't really register that it was a festive period for everyone else. This year though it's worse, I'm more conscious that it's Christmas and I haven't got a Mum any more.

    When I reflect on how hard I worked to care for Mum, and how difficult it was over the years to get any kind of support to help me care for Mum, and how ridiculously difficult it was to get any sort of proper medical and social care for Mum herself, I can hardly believe both she and I got through it. The lack of support nearly drove me over the edge at times, but I wouldn't have not done it for all the tea in the China. Those last years together changed our relationship. We became much closer, more open and more loving with each other.

    Well, thanks for listening. Just wanted to say all this to someone.

    Thanks for being there.

    wob xx
  2. Sue J

    Sue J Registered User

    Dec 9, 2009
    Dear wob

    I'm sorry for your loss and its keener sense now Christmas is upon us.

    I hope you have a peaceful Christmas and can maybe reflect on some of the happier moments with your Mum as the negative memories of your caring experiences diminish. She was lucky to have you.
  3. lin1

    lin1 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2010
    East Kent
    #3 lin1, Dec 24, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 24, 2015
    Dear Wob.
    I feel for you.
    The firsts as I call them can be so very hard and Christmas time especially so.

    I found that TPers here helped me so much after mum died, maybe we can help you too.
    I am not saying you read others threads as I think it will be too tough for you right now.
    But come on this thread and talk to us, their are many here who will understand.

    In case you're in the UK and you feel you need to talk to someone , I will put a link to Cruse in a mo.
  4. overwhelmed1

    overwhelmed1 Registered User

    Dec 7, 2013
    Much love to you. I lost my father this Christmas Eve and in the last 48 hours I am also in that mist of disbelief you describe.

    My father had alzheimers for, we believe, 7 years and the end stage was so quick it was really shocking for us all. He wasn't a demonstrative man all his life with me but since alzheimers took hold, I was able to develop a sweet, loving relationship with my adored dad; like you with your mum. When he died, I know he knew how much I loved him. Thank God. I think we have to hold on to this truth as that we will treasure that experience as long as we ourselves live xx
  5. wornoutbattling

    wornoutbattling Registered User

    Aug 25, 2014
    Thank you all for your understanding and support.

    Overwhelmed1, I'm so terribly sorry for your loss of your dear Dad.

    I'm sure the closeness you were able to build was a comfort to you and also to your Dad.

    My thoughts are with you.

    wob xx
  6. MrsTerryN

    MrsTerryN Registered User

    Dec 17, 2012
    Wornout I still have my mum albeit in care.
    My dad died May 2014 and I am finding this second year much harder actually.
    Mum is still here but not abled to be reached so to speak.
    I have started writing her letters which obviously she will never get but I miss my snarky cranky pragmatic mother. So now I write "hey mum"
  7. ma120990

    ma120990 Registered User

    Jun 1, 2015
    So many common thoughts

    Hi there and all me best wishes to you.

    I felt I had to write in reply as there are so many parts of your message than ring bells with those of the loss of my father this year.

    His loss was rapid in the end and combined with Cancer which as a family we all feel helped save him and us from the last stage of dementia. we too had battled long and hard to try and get dad and mum the help they needed. For the most part the medics were only interested in conditions they could see. Anything to do with the mind and they simply seemed to close ranks or try to avoid.

    When dad did go we all felt a sense of nothing, as he had almost never been there in those last few years. This has made this xmas nothing to me, I am at present a person with no emotion. I shunned the works events and most xmas cheers as they simply mean nothing to me. I am hopeful that 2016 will be better as I am fed up of feeling empty and want to put the house in order.

    I guess perhaps the things that grates most is the sheer lack of medics to want to be there for us. It's very much a battle each family seems to face on their own. I know we made lots of just in time actions which helped my dads case enormously and I know mum would not have been able to cope without.

    i can only sympathise with what your are feeling and say that you are not alone with your thoughts. There are many others who feel the same and struggling to organise their worlds in order to move. Do not be afraid to speak up, I know I have told a few people and I think it has helped me.
  8. wornoutbattling

    wornoutbattling Registered User

    Aug 25, 2014

    I love the idea of you writing your Mum letters. Actually I also miss my Mum's hard-to-please ways and "individual" character. I think I also miss having a kind of sparring partner, although until you described your Mum's ways, I hadn't thought of it like that. I might follow your lead, not in writing letters, but I might start addressing my journal entries to Mum.


    I do so agree with you about the different approach by medics to body and mind matters. I also noticed a huge difference in approach before and after my "interference". Some days nothing would be mentioned about an obvious change in Mum's condition or well-being, until I piped up and asked about it. Then, (sometimes), something was done.

    The treatment I witnessed of Mum, has made me really worried about people who find themselves in the hands of the NHS and social services, but who have no-one to ask questions and request changes or make decisions on their behalf. It's certainly left me terrified of getting old with no-one to fight my battles.

    I'm sorry you feel so empty. I swing from feeling nothing and empty, to feeling overwhelmed and just plain old sadder than sad.

    Thanks everyone for helping me know I'm not alone.

    Overwhelmed1, I hope you're coping.

    Best wishes to all,
    wob xxx
  9. overwhelmed1

    overwhelmed1 Registered User

    Dec 7, 2013
    Hello hun,

    I understand how you feel. In relation to support, my dad was given his diagnosis two years ago by the memory clinic and told to come back every 6 months for a pointless memory test which only served to highlight to him his deterioration and upset him so much, as the stupid cow at the memory clinic reminded me ('your dad was so distressed when I asked him questions'...well, yeah, I guess he would be...barbaric).

    I feel bitter at the way the support was all so hazy and too many people didn't seem to have any idea what to do to help. Social Services...doctors...memory clinic...OT...district nurse...etc etc and none did anything until we were at the point where my father was bedridden and my mum was at her knees. Even the hospital don't know how my dad actually died, he may have to have a post-mortem. All very strange and complicated and horrifying for my dad, the poor man xx

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