Mum says she is scared of me

[PaulB]

I have been caring for my mum since she was diagnosed with Alzheimers over 18 months ago. Her male friend of 10 years has been helping and between us we have managed to provide the love and affection she needs. I have my family some distance away from where mum lives and go home at weekends leaving mum's friend to look after her. They are both 78.

Lately, however there has been deterioration in her memory and mood and I seem to have lost her trust and affection as she becomes more reliant on her friend. This became more profound last week when I discussed the idea of residential care with him. He took exception to it and informed mum of what I had been discussing to my horror. A row ensued in front of mum that escalated and ended with mum leaving to stay at his house.

I managed to see her and apologise the next day before i returned home. When I left the row seemed to be a thing of the past. I spoke to her on the phone for the next three days and all seemed well but when i next asked to speak with her I heard her say she did not want to talk to me. This was confirmed by my Auntie later.

Having let the situation die down for a week and taking a weeks respite at home, I returned and spoke with mum. She was cold and unresponsive. She was shaking and said that she was scared...of me. She told my Auntie I had threatened her and she was afraid I might hit her. I spoke with her nurse who visited her and eventually got back to say she 'seems comfortable.' I have asked for a care assessment but as yet have had no response. Meanwhile I stay in my mum's empty house while mum stay's with her friend. I do not know what to do next.


PS. I posted part of this in another thread but hope it may be more appropriate in this one. Apologies to those who may be reading some of this for the second time

 

[Varandas]

So sorry to hear about your Mom being scared... of you.
I wish I could give you some suggestions, but no.
Just sorry and wanted to send you my warm feelings.
Take care of yourself too...
AD is a dreadful, terrible and far too complex illness killing many people on the way.
All the best

 

[Grannie G]

It is a dreadful thing to hear Paul. I know from personal experience when my husband told me he was frightened of me. I was devastated.

It could only be because he felt totally out of control of his life and the fact I seemed totally in control of both my life and his, made it seem worse.

Little did he know.

Give your mum time Paul and perhaps visit her in a week or so. Try not to ask her to return to her own home, try not to ask her to do anything. Just visit and leave it at that and hopefully she will eventually want to go home.

In my opinion, residential care is not for discussion. It really is frightening for the person with dementia especially if they still have insight. Perhaps your mother`s friend thought you were considering residential care too early in her illness.

 

[PaulB]

It is a dreadful thing to hear Paul. I know from personal experience when my husband told me he was frightened of me. I was devastated.

It could only be because he felt totally out of control of his life and the fact I seemed totally in control of both my life and his, made it seem worse.

Little did he know.

Give your mum time Paul and perhaps visit her in a week or so. Try not to ask her to return to her own home, try not to ask her to do anything. Just visit and leave it at that and hopefully she will eventually want to go home.

In my opinion, residential care is not for discussion. It really is frightening for the person with dementia especially if they still have insight. Perhaps your mother`s friend thought you were considering residential care too early in her illness.

Thank you for your reply Grannie G. It is all good advice. Just enjoyed a wonderful evening with mum. Talked all night. She is retiring to bed as I write...but actual sleep will be a while yet! Patience, patience, patience. What will tomorrow bring....

 

[fullmoon]

Paul what a very difficult situation you are in. I can understand your plight. However good your mothers friend is or has been your are her next of kin so it's natural that you feel it necessary to ensure she has the care she needs. You must have been horrified that a private conversation with this friend was relayed back to your mother causing her and you more stress! Why on earth did the friend simply not give you a honest opinion at the time?
You have managed to juggle her needs with your own family for the last 18 months despite living some distance away which cannot have been easy. I would insist that your mother receives a formal assessment of her needs as your not able to be around daily. This way you have the peace of mind of an impartial professional opinion. Good luck .

 

[Noorza]

Mum has become scared of me at times too. A bankers error deprived her of her bankers card, I had re ordered it but she didn't understand that, only that I was PoA, the card was gone, therefore I had taken it from her, therefore I hated her. These deductions took about 1.4 seconds to conclude and a month to unravel, explain, sort, regain her trust during which time we were both terribly upset.


I have cared for Mum for 20 years, she has relied on me to sort out financial difficulties she has got into by unscrupulous people, her decorating, her doctor's visits, her hospital, getting her a wetroom, adaptions to keep her in her home. But one bankers error and she became scared of me. This was more scary for her as she only has me to depend on, then lost trust in me, with a family member carrying a huge wooden spoon not helping.

It is a truly devastating disease and my heart goes out to you. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

 

[PaulB]

Paul what a very difficult situation you are in. I can understand your plight. However good your mothers friend is or has been your are her next of kin so it's natural that you feel it necessary to ensure she has the care she needs. You must have been horrified that a private conversation with this friend was relayed back to your mother causing her and you more stress! Why on earth did the friend simply not give you a honest opinion at the time?
You have managed to juggle her needs with your own family for the last 18 months despite living some distance away which cannot have been easy. I would insist that your mother receives a formal assessment of her needs as your not able to be around daily. This way you have the peace of mind of an impartial professional opinion. Good luck .

Thank you for your understanding. Much appreciated. I have met with mum's consultants assistant and she has said she will speak with mum's friend but am still waiting to hear back. That was 2 days ago. Feel as if I have lost control of mum's care. Frustrating

 

[PaulB]

Mum has become scared of me at times too. A bankers error deprived her of her bankers card, I had re ordered it but she didn't understand that, only that I was PoA, the card was gone, therefore I had taken it from her, therefore I hated her. These deductions took about 1.4 seconds to conclude and a month to unravel, explain, sort, regain her trust during which time we were both terribly upset.


I have cared for Mum for 20 years, she has relied on me to sort out financial difficulties she has got into by unscrupulous people, her decorating, her doctor's visits, her hospital, getting her a wetroom, adaptions to keep her in her home. But one bankers error and she became scared of me. This was more scary for her as she only has me to depend on, then lost trust in me, with a family member carrying a huge wooden spoon not helping.

It is a truly devastating disease and my heart goes out to you. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

Thank you for your reply. Similarly, Mum's friend does not help. I have waited 3 nights in her flat for a visit to no avail. Mum stays in his flat round the corner yet I cannot see her. It is so upsetting her being so close but refusing to see me. Also, he has her bank card which gives him access to her small savings. I have no poa in place so need to get some sort of protection order I believe as she is not well enough to agree. Any advice Noorza?

 

[Noorza]

Thank you for your reply. Similarly, Mum's friend does not help. I have waited 3 nights in her flat for a visit to no avail. Mum stays in his flat round the corner yet I cannot see her. It is so upsetting her being so close but refusing to see me. Also, he has her bank card which gives him access to her small savings. I have no poa in place so need to get some sort of protection order I believe as she is not well enough to agree. Any advice Noorza?

It's an undoubtedly very difficult situation.

If your Mum would pass a mental capacity test, which I am told is very easy to do, though I have no personal experience, then your hands are tied. She has capacity so she decides who runs her finances. Then you would have to find out how to have her assessed. With capacity she would have to agree to you becoming her Power of Attorney which she is not likely to do. If she wouldn't you could make an application to the Court of Protection to become her Deputy but it is likely to be disputed by her boyfriend and could be costly and painful.


Could you discuss your concerns with the person who made the diagnosis or her family GP? They will be restricted on what they can tell you but you can offer them your concerns.

My instinct is not to worry to greatly about the financial side of things particularly as there is not much to worry about in terms of the size of her funds, as this has the danger of alienating your mother further but concentrate on trying to rebuild your relationship.

That is the hardest thing in the world, my mother suffers from paranoia and confabulates, this is where they take part reality, forget some of the reality, and fill in the blanks with imagined happenings, then mum becomes completely distrustful of me. I've been her totally trusted carer for 20 years, so this distrust is extremely painful. While I try to tell others to blame the dementia and not the person, it's hard not to be hurt by this.

If I give you one example of how difficult this is, and it may or may not be the case with your mum, one ONE SINGLE occasion my mum came to my house and I refused to let her in. I had a chest infection, and was also vomiting, I felt like death. My mum has late stage heart disease, kidney failure, diabetes, the list goes on and if I exposed her to my infection it could literally kill her. I had told her to stay away, I was infectious and ill, but my underlying health is well, so I'd get over it. If she caught it she'd be in a serious amount of trouble. When she gets infections they invariably end up with hospitalisations (which she hates with a passion), fluid on her lungs etc. I would not open the door for her own benefit.

She didn't understand the danger she was trying to put her self in, so I told her to go home. She was furious. Since then she has become convinced, she has never been in my house, I never let her in, she's not welcome here. The truth is she has been to my home umpteen times over several years too many times to even count, she's just forgotten, she remembers the ONCE when I couldn't let her in so that has become her new reality.

If someone then feeds that confabulated story by agreeing that yes "noorza is indeed an awful person who has never let you in her home" you are in an impossible situation as it becomes confirmed. If I disagree and present her with the truth then I become a liar. It's so difficult. She's not lying, I don't always do the "acknowledge and change the subject" technique, as am only human, but have referred back to "do you remember opening presents with grandson at Xmas"? when she does she becomes confused because it conflicts with her new reality.

You can end up in a situation where they think you are to be feared but the reasons are imagined but believed, and there's very little you can actually do about it, until that particular stage and storm passes.

Sorry I can't offer anything that would magically solve this and only offer empathy and understanding. I also focus on the fact it is the last 50 odd years that count not the years that dementia stole the old mum.

 

[Noorza]

Just to add, he could technically be in trouble for using her card even with her permission, but if he is stopped would that leave your mum unable to get access to her funds that she needs?

I would call the Office of the Public Guardian to find out what your options are.

http://www.justice.gov.uk/downloads/forms/opg/fs02-information-properties-affairs-deputies.pdf

It is my experience that they are extremely helpful.

 

[PaulB]

Just to add, he could technically be in trouble for using her card even with her permission, but if he is stopped would that leave your mum unable to get access to her funds that she needs?

I would call the Office of the Public Guardian to find out what your options are.

http://www.justice.gov.uk/downloads/forms/opg/fs02-information-properties-affairs-deputies.pdf

It is my experience that they are extremely helpful.

Thank you Noorza. Sorry for late reply. I will contact the above as you suggest. I find through my brother that mums friend has bank statements of mums and is keeping them as 'evidence'. I have had a long standing arrangement with mum over petrol expenses when she was keen for me to be with her, well before her illness. I am worried this arrangement has now been forgotten. None the less, if he is opening mums mail when I leave mums flat to return to my family and looking at bank statements I wonder whether I should seek legal advice over this as that is surely illegal. Does the society have a list of solicitors they recommend with expertise in this area? There are so many unscrupulous firms about it would be good to have a recommendation.

Don't mean to burden you. Your story from your earlier post has so many similarities to mine and your help and support has been most welcome in my present nightmare. Through all this I only learn of my mums wellbeing through 3rd parties. I just want to see her but am keeping away as advised in the hope she rediscovers her love for the son she once idolised and who waits patiently in her flat for her return

 

[jenniferpa]

Generally the society will point you towards solicitors for the elderly. http://www.solicitorsfortheelderly.com/

I have to say, though, that I disagree with your statement that "There are so many unscrupulous firms". I think there are an awful lot of firms that don't have expertise in this area, and you definitely want one that does, but that's as far as I would go.

You could call the helpline and ask but I think they'll point you to the above. When you start to call the firms ask them what experience they have with this specialized field.

 

[PaulB]

Generally the society will point you towards solicitors for the elderly. http://www.solicitorsfortheelderly.com/

I have to say, though, that I disagree with your statement that "There are so many unscrupulous firms". I think there are an awful lot of firms that don't have expertise in this area, and you definitely want one that does, but that's as far as I would go.

You could call the helpline and ask but I think they'll point you to the above. When you start to call the firms ask them what experience they have with this specialized field.

Thank you for your suggestion, Jennifer. Forgive my sweeping generalisation regarding solicitors. I am not at my best and acquiesce to your more favourable interpretation

 

[Officeboy Sean]

I hope that things improve for you and your mother. I think it is a great shame that your Mum's friend told her what you had discussed causing her to be upset - and distrustful of you (hopefully just for the short term).
However, I hope that he was only upset by your discussion because he did not want the person he loves/cares about to be placed in a nursing home while he still feels they are ok living out "in the real world".
If she only has a small amount of savings it is presumably unlikely that he is going to be taking her money under false pretences if they have been friends for a decade. I think there is also a danger if you do start setting solicitors onto him (especially if he has done nothing wrong) that the friend may be more likely to try to cause problems and make your Mum less likely to visit

 

[PaulB]

I hope that things improve for you and your mother. I think it is a great shame that your Mum's friend told her what you had discussed causing her to be upset - and distrustful of you (hopefully just for the short term).
However, I hope that he was only upset by your discussion because he did not want the person he loves/cares about to be placed in a nursing home while he still feels they are ok living out "in the real world".
If she only has a small amount of savings it is presumably unlikely that he is going to be taking her money under false pretences if they have been friends for a decade. I think there is also a danger if you do start setting solicitors onto him (especially if he has done nothing wrong) that the friend may be more likely to try to cause problems and make your Mum less likely to visit

Thanks Sean. Good advice