1. Our next Q&A session is on the topic of Christmas and dementia.This time we want our Q&A to involve our resident experts, you! Share tips and advice on navigating Christmas here in this thread.

    Pop by and post your questions or if you prefer you can email your question to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

    6FNAUTICLUB Registered User

    Dec 26, 2015
    We have had the worst 7 days ever, but we both know that however hard it is for us is must be intolerable for mum.

    Last week she didn't want to go out. Since Friday she has been telling us she is very ill, on Saturday she told us on phone that she could no longer look after herself and that she is frightened living on her own, she has carers three times a day and we pop in and out daily, we have been at her house as much as we could over the weekend. she now says she is dying, we've tried to tell her she isn't but we now feel that the only option is a care home where she can be looked after 24/7, she herself has also started to talk down these lines. Yesterday she also mentioned in conversation, thinking she had already told me, when she hadn't, that she had a fall Thurs night and lay there for a while not able to get up. She did pull blankets on her to keep warm and eventually managed to get herself back into bed, her emergency alarm button was hanging on bed head. We have now decided that we need to find her Respite for a couple of weeks ASAP, but feel that this may well be a permanent need, she is self funding so this hopefully shouldn't be too difficult to arrange but we have never done anything like this before and it makes me feel so sad, but she cannot continue to live like this and each day she is getting more and more fed up, are we doing the right thing?
  2. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    Morning 6FNAUTICLUB
    Sorry you are all going through the mill
    Are you doing the right thing to look for a care home now - in my opinion YES
    From what you have said, your mum has been really frightened by that fall and has herself realised how much at risk she is, she may not always remember the fall but the feeling is staying with her.
    She herself has mentioned a care home; you feel it is the right time; so go ahead.
    Given we are entering winter, best she is safe and warm and well care for with constant supervision
    It's not an easy time - but read your post over, and you give yourself all the reasons you have to make this decision
    I hope all goes well for you and especially for your mum

    6FNAUTICLUB Registered User

    Dec 26, 2015
    Thanks, head knows it's right thing to do, just feels very sad but Mum cannot go on like this. X
  4. stanleypj

    stanleypj Registered User

    Dec 8, 2011
    North West
    I agree with Shedrech. The fact that your mum has mentioned it is a good sign and you may well find that it will be relief to her not to be at risk, as she is currently as you cannot be there all the time.
  5. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    Start on the basis that it is until she feels better. Don't look too far ahead. She may feel safe and happy in a care home. My mum was happier and healthier than she had been in about 2 -3 years. She was scared at home and fell and could not get up. Yes sometimes she says she does not like it, but she complained more at home about being alone and scared.

    My mum has now become my third child. She cant be left alone. She needs to know there are always people there to look after her.

    It is hard but dementia is giving you fewer and fewer choices. Paste on a smile and let your mum see you think it will be ok. She can read your face even when all else fails.

    Big hugs & strength for the days ahead
    Love Quilty
  6. balloo

    balloo Registered User

    Sep 21, 2013
    you may be surprised but round where I am finding respite even when paying your self is impossible to find and on top of that its £1000 a week and minimum of 2 weeks hope you find it but wont be surprised if you cannot , I could not even find help for 1 hr a day for 5 days to get MIL up and dressed while I work from home, but then found it was £20/ hr so I might as well quit my job I don't earn £20 aN HR
  7. arielsmelody

    arielsmelody Registered User

    Jul 16, 2015
    My MIL lives on her own but she has become terrified to be left alone at night and unhappy more often than not during the day, but she won't consider moving to a care home. It's a huge problem because almost all of her money is tied up in her house, so we can't afford the care that she needs for very long. If your mum is saying now that she wants to move to a care home, unless she has enough money to pay for 24-hour care and run her house for a good few years, I'd start looking as soon as possible to find the right place and move her there so you know she is looked after and safe.
  8. mungobella

    mungobella Registered User

    Dec 29, 2013
    I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. It does sound as though it is best to arrange for a care home, especially if she is talking about it herself. If you think it will be a permanent move (and it does sound like it), it might be better to look for a permanent place rather than a respite one. Care homes are used to moving people at short notice, so if you find one you like that has a place available they should be able to move pretty quickly.
  9. cragmaid

    cragmaid Registered User

    Oct 18, 2010
    North East England
    I suggest that you contact the Local Authority Adult Social Care and ask for an assessment of her needs with a view to her taking Permanent Residential care.

    In the mean time, start looking at local care homes ( try Google as a start for adresses).

    Now when it comes to her saying she's dying....My Mum became expert at this.....I suggest you ask her does she have a pain. If yes, ask a bit more, give her two paracetamols and check again in a couple of hours. If she says no, then tell her, as I told Mum, we are all dying, just some of us faster than others. Tell her that it's not her turn yet, that her name has not reached the top of the list and that she'll be called when it is her turn....It might help a bit.

    It sounds to me as if she is lonely and fed up ( no reflection on your care:D) but she might blosson in more daily company.x.x.
  10. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    it might be worth checking to see if she has a urinary tract infection - it could be that that caused the fall and is now making her confused. Worth checking
  11. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    I'm so sorry to hear the news about your mother. What a difficult time you must be having right now.

    Fizzie beat me to it, on the check for an infection advice. It is worth ruling out as a medical issue and it certainly could have played a part in the fall, or, she may have just fallen. It's difficult to know.

    I would say that if your gut instinct is that your mother needs more care, then go with that instinct. You know her best and can make that judgement better than we can. A care home is not a decision anyone makes lightly, but if you will bear with me, let me tell you a story about my mother.

    Until a year ago, my mother lived alone with no services, about a two-hour drive from me. She had had increasing bouts of illness and medical issues and I knew something was wrong, but didn't know it was dementia (Alzheimer's type) until the diagnosis in hospital. She went to hospital (was sectioned, in UK terms, in fact) because she was found one morning in winter, outside, wandering and hallucinating and disoriented, no coat, injured, and frightened.

    Before hospital and the move to the care home, she was living in a constant state of anxiety and fear. She was falling, she wasn't taking her medicine properly (and was sick from that), she wasn't eating (and was underweight and malnourished from that), wasn't sleeping, wasn't washing herself, it was a nightmare, but the worst part was that she was always, always anxious and upset.

    I won't say the time in hospital and move to the care home were easy, but it was what she needed.

    Now she has 24/7 supervision and someone to talk to, whenever she wants. She gets proper meals and her medication is managed. She's put the weight back on. She is warm and safe. She goes out for lunch and participates in activities (which I would never have believed she would do). She has friends in the care home.

    Her quality of life in the care home is much better than when she lived at home.

    I'm telling you this, so that you can have an idea that a care home could work out. A year ago, when the crisis happened, I couldn't see that was a possibility. I am not saying you should or will move your mother to a care home. You may work something else out. I just want to tell you that a care home could be okay, and could even be positive in some way.

    Wishing you all the best.

    6FNAUTICLUB Registered User

    Dec 26, 2015
    Thanks for that, Mum went into respite this morning, there's been a lot of heartbreak over past few days and we've said to her its for two weeks or maybe more while she gets her confidence back but we hope that she will settle and feel safer there and let them look after her.

    I'm heading back there now and plan to visit at least twice a day over next few days as she is worried about being abandoned and not coping with the change xx
  13. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    It's a tough decision you've made, I sympathise - dad went into his care home last year.
    I hope your mum settles and feels safe.
    May I just gently suggest you chat to the staff about your concerns and consider not visiting so much and for too long - it may be that you being there too much might not give her a chance to allow the staff to take over her care - it may be that you're right and she does need your reassurance to start with, less so as her stay continues
    I'm not at all suggesting you don't visit - maybe, though call the staff before you go to ask how she is or have a word with them before she sees you when you arrive, and sometimes let her be if she is comfortable - sometimes residents alter their behaviour when family visit and you don't get a full picture of the situation
    my dad has played up with me saying all sorts of stuff, after a positive day when he'd happily joined in activities - and I now know the staff will call me if they have any concerns or feel it would be helpful to visit him (I share visiting so he has a visit a day mostly)
    I hope all goes well for your mum and for you
  14. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    I agree. Its only natural to want to make sure she is ok but she may settle better if she does not have you to lean on. Every day but for a short time might be a good idea. Hope its all ok. Thinking about you.
  15. Louby65

    Louby65 Registered User

    Mar 26, 2014
    Hi 6FNauticlub. Can I ask if your mum has been assessed by her GP for reasons why her behaviour has got worse over the past 7 days . I noted that some people have mentioned a uti but there can be other things contributing . Checking her blood pressure lying and standing could rule out any potential issues leading to a fall. She may not be drinking enough so could have been dehydrated which blood results could show . It's certainly worth a chat to her GP for advice . I hope she settles and feels better soon . Lou

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