mum said shes going to commit suicide.

[sue38]

Hi Linda,

My dad went through a stage of saying he was going to get a gun and kill himself. When we pointed out that he wouldn't be able to get a gun he said in that case he would walk out into the traffic. He could easily have done that, and we couldn't take the risk of leaving him alone. It wasn't long after this that he ended up in the assessment unit and then in full time care. The threat of suicide wasn't the definitive behaviour that led to that, but was part of the reasons.

Your mum may be making empty threats (and I think the CPN is right to say that there is no hard and fast rule that someone who talks about it is not going to do it) but in my experience asking my dad to consider how other people would feel if he did it had no effect whatsoever. Would taking her threats seriously and saying that if she is having suicidal thoughts then the authorities (not you) might take steps that would impact on her independence strike a chord with her?

I think Helen's (and others') idea of contacting the Samaritans for advice is a good one. The contact details are

Telephone: 08457 90 90 90 (24 hours, seven days a week)

Email: jo@samaritans.org

Website: www.samaritans.org

 

[meme]

a difficult situation...I can only picture myself in the situation where my mother might say the same...and I am sure the automatic reaction would be to remove the pills but on second thoughts...what right do we have to prevent anyone with or without capacity..in and out of lucidity or moments of awareness from ending their own lives???? it may be a good death rather that a long drawn out horror.

 

[Witzend]

I do hope I'm not wrong here but TBH I would think your mother is looking for attention. When she did this before you jumped in the car and went to see her, so maybe she was expecting that you'd do the same again. A 'reward' for that sort of behaviour.

My mother often said she was going to take an overdose, but that's as far as it ever went. She used to say it even before she got Alz, since she was never really happy after my father died. It turned into a habit - whenever she was having a good old moan about anything she'd end with something like, 'I've got a good mind to take an overdose.'
She even said it once when I was taking her for a mini-break in Bath - there we were in the car on a lovely sunny day, heading for a nice little holiday, and she says that!!! Talk about bite-your-tongue time - just one of God knows how many....

 

[Sue J]

'A 'reward' for that sort of behaviour.'

Linda I'm sorry to read of what's happening with your Mum. If she is going for a brain scan they're obviously looking for something that is wrong.

If anyone has been fortunate enough never to have felt suicidal they are that, fortunate. As someone who has, and experiences very definate brain changes, the last thing I would want is anyone near me 'rewarding' me for feelings, and terrors totally out of my control. In fact quite the opposite, I did not wish others to witness my distress whilst my sense of reality was a million miles from theirs.

Reasoning I don't believe helps because the person would apply that themselves if they could.

It's good that she's able to respond to your daughter well but you have the balancing act of trying to protect them both.

If you are able to find out why she is feeling suicidal, if she can express it, you may find a way to help her with what she is dealing with. I hope you can.

Thoughts with you
love
Sue

 

[linda1scot]

thanks again for all your replies and helpful advice.

mum has phoned 4 times this aft and is really confused as to who is coming to see her why and when. she thinks she has to go to the hosp and doesnt know why. even when i explain she starts the whole conversation again. ( and yes i know she doesnt remember ) my head is bursting! im as confused as she is now!

Linda x

 

[Izzy]

Oh Linda, you must be at your wits' end with this. One or two people have suggested phoning Samaritans on your own behalf and I think this sounds like a good idea. You are obviously under a great deal of stress with this and I'm sure they must have experience of supporting people whose loved ones have made this kind of threat.

Do think about it and take care. x

 

[Sue J]

Oh Linda - this is soo hard.

I'm sure you are, but just be as reassuring as you can - if this is sudden thing have the professionals considered an infection? Antibiotics were the only thing that reduced my symptoms being able to take them was another matter, but they definately helped.

best
Sue

 

[linda1scot]

Oh Linda - this is soo hard.

I'm sure you are, but just be as reassuring as you can - if this is sudden thing have the professionals considered an infection? Antibiotics were the only thing that reduced my symptoms being able to take them was another matter, but they definately helped.

best
Sue

thanks sue

the only thing that seems to help mum is to remind her that i too have been having brain scans and tests for the past year and i tell her i totally understand what she is going through and know how she feels which she definately appreciates and 'gets' what im saying.(although to be honest i havent a clue how confused she must be feeling) she says its great that i understand her. she has been getting progressively worse over the last 3 months although her memory etc has been pretty bad for a couple of years now although yesterday and today have been the worst. i can now see changes weekly in her. she was tested for a uti a couple of weeks ago and all was clear hence the brain scan next week.

sorry to be going on and on as there are folks here with a heck of a lot worse going on and in need of more help/advice than me.

linda x

 

[linda1scot]

AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am sooooooooooooo annoyed and frustrated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the cpn has just phoned to say mum is presenting as fine with no signs of depression and mum was on her way OUT the door when they arrived!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! there is nothing they can do at the moment as she seems fine. what the hell ?????? sorry for shouting but im so exasperated. i could cry with frustration bar the fact bethany is now needing my attention.

linda x

 

[Sue J]

AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am sooooooooooooo annoyed and frustrated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the cpn has just phoned to say mum is presenting as fine with no signs of depression and mum was on her way OUT the door when they arrived!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! there is nothing they can do at the moment as she seems fine. what the hell ?????? sorry for shouting but im so exasperated. i could cry with frustration bar the fact bethany is now needing my attention.

linda x

Linda don't apologize I want to scream with you.

I persuaded my GP to give me some antibiotics in hand in case I had a flare up. I wasn't showing anything in my urine but antibiotics made a difference for me.

If the only think that helps is to tell her you are going through the same then that is something - no consolation for you as you are dealing with your own difficulties and Bethany's a good distraction for you - she'll ride the storm. If you can maybe you could get her on board by suggesting that she see's someone daily , that you've considered that for yourself to try and cope with what is happening.

Does the CPN know of your problems? It really is not acceptable that you be left with this can your GP contact the mental health team and get you some assistance that way. She needs daily contact from them, they can't get a picture otherwise.

You're not going on by the way - sorry if suggestions don't help
Love
Sue

 

[SWMBO1950]

Hi Linda

Your mum sounds as if she was attention seeking (whether intentionally or not). By rule of thumb those who threaten dont do it's the quiet ones that are the main worry.

I am glad when the cpn called she said she was fine and she had a different frame of mind. I can however understand your exasperation.

Best Wishes

 

[wetnosewheatie]

sympathising with you

When I got to my Dads this evening his 82 year old neighbour advised my dad had been trying to get him to call the police. When he asked why it was so he could tell them how he felt. When I questioned my Dad about why he would call the police to tell them how he felt he said because he was thinking of walking in front of a car because he was fed up being on his own. Scarily his Dad died many years ago doing precisely that. Dementia has gone worse in the last couple of months so i am looking at residential care - think I need to make a call tomoroow to see about some respite until it is sorted as there is only me and I work full time. My son pops in during the day as do carers but we are not there 24/7. I am not sure about the intention vs action when someones mind is so clearly not functioning in a reasonable fashion under normal circumstances.

 

[Christin]

Hello Linda, I really just want to send you a hug and some sympathy.

My FIL also said this many, many times. His CPN advised that we asked him how he would do it, and he would just reply, 'I'll find a way.' It was very worrying and frightening at first, but for me, it was said all too often and, rightly or wrongly, I did begin to turn away from it. It was draining to have to listen to this, and so upsetting when he said it in front of my sons, and I often felt it was a selfish thing to say.

In my own opinion, I think you should keep pushing for more help. It could be that your mum's dementia is further on than mild and that she is able to cover up a little. I believe this is what my FIL was able to do. I would suggest you try to ensure that the CPN visits regularly, make contact with them if you feel this is not happening.

In time, I understood, that for him, it was a response to any situation that he couldn't deal with. I do think that these things should be reported to your mum's GP and CPN, but also I don't want you to be feel that you are living with this constant thread.

We walked on egg shells for many years, not wanting to cause any upsets. Sadly, even when he moved to an EMI nursing home, he still made these threats to us, but apparently to no one else. I do understand that his behaviour was due to the dementia, but also in a way I feel that he continued to pull our strings.

My very best wishes to you. Linda. xx