Hello - My Mum has Vascular Dementia. Symptoms made worse during Lockdown. She now has 4 carers a day to prompt food and medication. She does not believe she has Dementia. My brother and I have Power of Attorney and have a letter from her GP evoking our POA. Mum really needs to go into a Care Home and I have found a lovely one but she has always said she wouldn't leave the family house and even in her confused state aggressively tells us she won't go into Care. It. is now dangerous for her to live on her own. How do I get her to the Care Home without too much distress?? Matters made worse by Covid and she'd have to isolate for 2 weeks...just awful. Any advice would be most welcome. x
Mum refusing to go into Care Home.
- Thread starter ChristineD
- Start date
Welcome to Dementia Talking Point @ChristineD. This is a very supportive community and you'll get lots of help and advice here.
You could tell your mum that work needs t be done on the house and she is going for a stay in a nice 'hotel' while it's done. That's more or less what I told my mum. She certainly wasn't happy and tried to escape, but like your mother she really wasn't safe at home anymore. I had a worrying couple of weeks until a Deprivation of Liberty Safeguarding (DoLS) order was put in place, that someone would say she could stay at home if that's what she wanted. if that had happened I was going to withdraw any support I gave her and let her get on with it. It wouldn't have been long before a crisis would have forced her into care, so I'm glad I managed to do it before she either had an accident or worse.
You could tell your mum that work needs t be done on the house and she is going for a stay in a nice 'hotel' while it's done. That's more or less what I told my mum. She certainly wasn't happy and tried to escape, but like your mother she really wasn't safe at home anymore. I had a worrying couple of weeks until a Deprivation of Liberty Safeguarding (DoLS) order was put in place, that someone would say she could stay at home if that's what she wanted. if that had happened I was going to withdraw any support I gave her and let her get on with it. It wouldn't have been long before a crisis would have forced her into care, so I'm glad I managed to do it before she either had an accident or worse.
Could you tell her the house needs a repair Maybe a new boiler? And you have booked her into a hotel for a week while it’s fixed?
my husband was in a care home for 8 months he believed me when I told him it was only a week...
my husband was in a care home for 8 months he believed me when I told him it was only a week...
This was also my biggest fear with mum when the time came. I had broached it with her much earlier, but after her response I never mentioned it again. When the day finally came to take her I told her we were going for a drive and would stop somewhere. On that day mum was fine she got in the car (and yes it was awful!) and I drove her to the care home. We got inside and mum thought she was staying in a hotel and walked off chatting to other residents before I had completed the paperwork. She had her lunch which she enjoyed and was very excited to be somewhere with her own peer group age -at that point I left. Its one of the hardest things to do, but somehow deep down inside you know things can't go on as they are. Its not easy but I would leave any discussion with your mum around care homes alone for a while and then just take her......there is no easy way to do this.
It depends really on whether she would be self-funding oe not. If she is self-funding then you can just arange for a care home for her without going through Social Services and then use a variety of "love lies" as has already been suggested to get her there.
If , however, she would be reliant on Local Authority funding, then you have to get Social Services to agree that she should be in a care home. This is where it gets tricky if the person refuses to go, because then they wont fund it, unless they are actually at risk. We as their carers try our utmost to prevent them coming to harm, but all the while we are successful they are only considered to be potentially at risk, so it often comes down to a crisis when the carer becomes ill, or the PWD ends up in hospital. The only advice in this case (and its a difficult choice) is to step back and allow the PWD to fail, so that the extent of their problems is actually seen.
If , however, she would be reliant on Local Authority funding, then you have to get Social Services to agree that she should be in a care home. This is where it gets tricky if the person refuses to go, because then they wont fund it, unless they are actually at risk. We as their carers try our utmost to prevent them coming to harm, but all the while we are successful they are only considered to be potentially at risk, so it often comes down to a crisis when the carer becomes ill, or the PWD ends up in hospital. The only advice in this case (and its a difficult choice) is to step back and allow the PWD to fail, so that the extent of their problems is actually seen.
My mother in law was like this. She was self funding and lived on her own, with carers three times a day. She refused point blank to go into care and it was made worse by the fact that she refused to even go outside her own home. She was a high falls risk but my husband wasn't comfortable with duping her into a care home. So we waited for a crisis which eventually came in the heatwave of 2018 . She became ill and went into hospital. Once there we arranged a care home, we had POA for finances and she went straight to the care home from hospital. She never went back to her own home. We kept telling her she needed to recuperate in the care home before she could go back, but the reality was she was never going back.
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