• All threads and posts regarding Coronavirus COVID-19 can now be found in our new area specifically for Coronavirus COVID-19 discussion.

    You can directly access this area >here<.

Mum refusing to accept help-worried about social workers


Registered User
May 11, 2012
I've been looking after mum now for 6 years, as her dementia has progressed. i don't live with her, but visit 2-3 times per day. I also have carers visit 4 times a day to change her pads as she is incontinent. Recently she has become un co-operative with the carers and refuses to get out of her chair to have her pad changed. Half the time her hearing aid is not in, so she can't hear what they are saying, and she has wet macular degeneration, so can't see much either. Since the carers can't get her up to be washed, she is left for long periods soaked in her own urine. I can, by explaining to her, slowly and clearly that she needs to stand up to be changed and with a little assistance, she stands up to grab her walking frame, and is changed. The care agency sends very young girls with little experience, and they keep changing them too. They leave doors unlocked, fridges not shut, milk left on the doorstep, mum left in the dark, with no lights on, no curtains shut, a long list indeed. I've contacted the social worker to arrange for a "double up" i.e. two carers to help mum out of chair, but they say they need to do a risk assessment, and capacity assessment, and do "what is in mums best interest" I am terrified that the will want to put mum in a home, which she does not want and neither do I, as I have seen a quite a few homes and the way they are treated. I feel they will try do what is in their best interest.

My mums social worker appears to be a box ticker and seem unsympathetic to my mums plight.

What can I do? What can they do? I do have PoA in place. Please help with advice.


Registered User
Sep 21, 2013
not sure what you can do we ended up having MIL live with us as she cannot cope on her own now and 20 times worse since she moved in nearly 3 years ago.if you cannot take her i cannot see any other way. i now work P/T from home to cope with m\il


Registered User
May 21, 2014
You fear they will try to do what's in her best interest? Isn't that the whole point? Not all care homes are terrible. In fact they are places which can keep your loved one safe, fed and with social stimulation. Have you checked out homes that would be suitable for her? Because quite frankly, the situation you describe is unsustainable, especially as she lives alone and refuses care, made worse by her physical disabilities and the inexperienced carers.

If you have health and welfare POA and she has lost capacity then I think you can decide where she lives, but you really have to look into what would be best for her. No one really wants to go into a home themselves, but if you want to keep her at home I think you have to be more forceful with SS and the care agency to achieve satisfactory care visits.