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Mum refuses care from carers

Sajed hussain

New member
May 27, 2020
2
My mum has dimentia for the past 2 years as me my wife and our 9 month old live with her I’m a full time worker and my wife is staying home with my mum as she can’t stay alone we have carers on from a agency for the past 2 years we had to swap agencies as some of them could not match my mums routine now finally we have found a agency that can come on time and are ok with my mums routine things were going well for the first couple of months and now my sometime my mom won’t do anything with out my wife eating showering etc so that means I have to do less hours at work to come home so I can look after baby etc while all this is going on we are looking for a pa personal
Assistant for my mom we have had so many interviews but can not find the right one and the caseworker who is helping me find a pa suggested that what if my wife becomes the pa as she is with my mum literally all the time which I thought was a good idea then I won’t have to go work that much etc probably do part time so I mentioned it to our social worker and she said that this can’t be done because of the baby I can’t find any other way because we get carers 3 times a day and sometimes it’s ok but most of the time my wife has to help which causing a affect on my work aswell as I work on a shift rota and then me coming early home is not looking good on me

I just want some advice from n what I can do
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,373
Kent
Hello @Sajed hussain Welcome to Dementia Talking Point.

It sounds as if your mother has become too dependent on your wife and it will need nerves of steel to make changes.

I can only suggest your wife makes herself less available when the carers come.

She could perhaps say she has a cold or an infection she doesn`t want to pass on. She could say she has back pain so can`t help with showering. You know your mother best and might be able to think of other excuses whether true or not just to reduce this dependence.

If your mother is able to be left alone, perhaps your wife could go to the shops when the carers come.

If the person with dementia becomes too demanding there are often ways of getting round this even if not everything is the truth.

It might help if you consult with the carers and perhaps you could come up with a strategy between you.
 

Sajed hussain

New member
May 27, 2020
2
Hi

thanks for that
We have tried getting my wife to go out and not interact with my mom while the carers are here but sometimes my mum becomes so dam ding that she won’t eat shower etc and the agency we are with they can’t always send carers who speak the same language as my mum so she is trying to make them understand what she wants doing in the past and now when she the carers that can’t communicate to her she just makes it harder for the carers to there job I’ve had this conversation with our social worker she told me care agency can’t always send carers who speak the same language
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,373
Kent
I understand this @Sajed hussain

Is it possible your mum understands more than she speaks?

I would still try to leave her with the carers and if they are unable to spend as much time with her as she needs, so be it.

There don`t seem many other ways to break this habit of dependence. Your mother is obviously well able to control the situations if as you say she willingly refuses to cooperate with the carers.

she just makes it harder for the carers to there job