Mum phones me and cries down the phone

Robin1964

New member
Apr 21, 2018
3
0
Hello

I'm new to posting, I have been reading and receiving lots of help from everyone's posts, however, I can't seem to find the best way to deal with our current situation.

Mum is in assisted living care home and has her own studio appartment. During the day she enjoys all the activities that take place, but when she is on her own in her appartment she has been ringing us on her mobile and saying she can't cope anymore, she is lonely and wants to go home. Unfortunately, I live in the next town and have my own business with part time staff and so can only visit on a weekend, I also have health issues which I am finding are getting worse due to the stress of Mum crying all the time and accusing us of 'dumping and abandoning' her. I know it is her illness and I am pretty sure it is sundowning but I am struggling as how to calm her on the end of a phone. She rang tonight at 10pm and cried for ten minutes, saying why can't she even try to be at home, she's lonely and can't take anymore.
At home she lived on her own, never saw any neighbours and before moving to assisted living only went out with myself or my sister, wasn't able to do her ahopping on her own and I have been paying bills for nearly two years as she was forgetting to pay them, thought she had paid them and then got upset when they sent reminders.
She constantly 'loses' things and searches for hours even in the care home.
We are hoping to take her out for the day on Saturday and then have her with us at our house for Christmas dinner, but part of me is dreading both occasions.
We went to visit last Saturday and she was so vindictive and venomous (I know its the illness) saying over and over that we had dumped her and never visited her, we have been every week, my sister lives up the road feom the home and goes once or twice a week.

So sorry for long post, completely at wits end.
 

Andrew_McP

Registered User
Mar 2, 2016
390
0
60
South Northwest
There are no easy answers. You either ignore the calls and learn to live with the guilt, find a way to 'break' the mobile, or simply wait. By the time my mother got to that lost little abandoned soul stage, it wasn't much longer before the phone became too confusing for her to operate.

That just begins a new level of worry though... knowing they can't contact no matter how desperate they might be is even harder to bear. Well, it was for me. I was always a bit of a worrier though; more sensible folk probably cope better.

Maybe someone else will have better advice, because this stage is very common. As ever though, the only thing folk with dementia really need is constant companionship of some form to guide and distract.

Good luck. And try to remember that no matter how stressful this is for you, it's worse for your mother. We, as concerned relatives, may despair at times, but we know how to seek help and advice. Our loved ones can only turn to the few people they trust in the whole world to try to blame or explain their misery. It's a kind of honour to be their last port of call as their faculties fade. A dreadful kind of honour, but if you can cling to the idea that you are their rock in stormy seas, it may help you survive this phase of the storm too.
 

Robin1964

New member
Apr 21, 2018
3
0
Thank you so much for your understanding, I wish none of us had to, but most of all I wish this awful disease didn't exist. Watching Mum decline over the last few years and watching her suffer is heartbreaking.

Even though I have been down this road twice before with my inlaws, it is different, nothing makes sense and it doesn't feel like there is a pattern to it. I'm feeling completely lost.

Mum has a PAYG phone, she didn't want a contract one when we got it before dementia and the credit is due to run out soon, so I think we will let it 'break' whilst still giving us the option to contact her.

I want to enjoy the time I have with Mum, life is short enough as it is. I found last night that I couldnt distract and all she did was sob, I know she will probably have forgotten this morning but I just want to be able to ease her pain (and mine)

Thank you again for replying, you reallly have helped me understand more.

Wishing you a peaceful day
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,447
0
Kent
Hello @Robin1964

You don`t say how long ago your mother was diagnosed with dementia but is it possible assisted living no longer meets her needs.

If she is fine during the day when all the activities are taking place and only needs you in the evenings, perhaps 24/7 care might solve the problem.

If your mother is losing the concept of time, the night alone might seem very long, especially in these winter months.

Assisted living may be fine in the early stages of dementia but as time goes by round the clock care may be more suitable.
 

Gillywilly

Registered User
Sep 21, 2018
21
0
I know this is probably not the reply you want but maybe it’s time to think about a home where they may have some technics to dealing with sundown. My mother never done this so I am not much of a help here. But if it’s not possible for her to be at her own home maybe it’s time for a home. Good luck
 

Robin1964

New member
Apr 21, 2018
3
0
Hello @Robin1964

You don`t say how long ago your mother was diagnosed with dementia but is it possible assisted living no longer meets her needs.

If she is fine during the day when all the activities are taking place and only needs you in the evenings, perhaps 24/7 care might solve the problem.

If your mother is losing the concept of time, the night alone might seem very long, especially in these winter months.

Assisted living may be fine in the early stages of dementia but as time goes by round the clock care may be more suitable.


Thank you for your reply, Mum is in a part of the assisted living that has 24 hour care available if she needs it, they start with as much independence as possible and then the care is assessed and adjusted as the dementia progresses.

Mum has been having symptoms for over 3 years now and has been seen by a memory clinic, but her numbers didn't add up to dementia and although there is no number or test that is definitive they wouldn't commit. Mums GP told me 2 years ago that Mum had dementia and has confirmed it only in the last couple of weeks. This last decline has been very rapid and when she moved in here it became more apparent how much we had missed, she is so convincing when talking with people, but unfortunately what she is saying is her truth at that time, it will change 5 minutes later.

I spoke with the caare manager today and they are going to do a care assessment and also do wellbeing visits when she is in her room at night and have a night time drink with her and help her to settle, hoping this helps.

Thank you for understanding, this illness is so isolating for all of us.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,447
0
Kent
I spoke with the caare manager today and they are going to do a care assessment and also do wellbeing visits when she is in her room at night and have a night time drink with her and help her to settle, hoping this helps.

That's a good suggestion @Robin1964. I hope it reassures you and I hope it helps your mother.
 

Dimpsy

Registered User
Sep 2, 2019
1,906
0
This may sound like a silly idea, but it's something I did when one of my daughter's was at a low ebb.
We used to choose an evening TV programme to watch at the same time.
I would phone her and then we would sit - she in her house and I in mine, watching the TV, passing comment sometimes but linked together. She didn't feel lonely despite being on her own and it was enough that she could then go on and do the bedtime routine.

It didn't last for long, it seemed to bolster her spirits and gave her something to look forward to, in fact I think it was at her instigation that we dropped the routine but it helped her at that sad time.
It was a little thing for me to do and no bother to sit with a phone to my ear for an hour and it stopped me worrying.
If you phone her you can control the situation and you are contacting her, not the other way around when she has reached the point where the usual upset begins; when the programme ends, tell her to go and put the kettle on and get the chocolate biscuits out, which is what you are going to do, then night night and ask her to choose the next evening's viewing and end the call. If she thinks you are doing the same it should give her comfort and hopefully stop the tears.
Maybe your mum doesn't watch TV, in which case, forget my silly idea!
It does sound though as if she would benefit from more company, but it's a hard decision to have to face.