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Mum persistently crying and sobbing. How to deal with it?

lushr

Registered User
Sep 25, 2020
124
0
Thanks for the reply. Totally understand where you are coming from. My sister saw mum yesterday and mum was talking about suicide again, saying that she wished that she had taken some pills etc etc. Thing is both my sister and I can understand that and I feel awful saying this but I just wish mum would go quietly in her sleep. It would "almost" be better in some ways that she was next stage, because at the moment she knows something is not right and she isn't what she was whereas further down the line she might be oblivious to her previous self and the life that she had.

It again sounds horrible saying this but with animals we put them out of their misery so to speak if they are ill with no chance of recovery but with mum the doctor still ply's her with her usual medication to keep them "physically" well but can't do anything about the mental decline which seems incredibly cruel, although I totally understand that the GP's are only doing their job and cannot do anything else.
@Max68 i am completely 100% with you, i think this is cruel and horrible and horrific for her, with my mum all her nightmares are coming true. she has lost her independence, she has lost contact with her family, she is trapped in nightmares of people going missing of dying. and she knows she is losing her mind.

selfishly, i don’t want to be there for this. i don’t want to support her, i don’t want to hear her whine and sob and tell me paranoid fantasies. it’s all the worst aspects of my mum and it’s really triggering the bad aspects of our relationship. i have to actively remind myself of who my mum really was.

mum hates the activities too, jigsaw puzzles (easy 100-300 piece ones) are a good thing for her now. as is knitting apparently. though i’ve never seen her do it. she used to do it automatically, so maybe it comes to her sometimes.

but mostly she is so distressed and so busy fighting the flow of the nursing home.... i don’t mind lying to her, but when her fantasy is that all her family has been murdered and it’s distressing her yeah, i’m not going to go with that! she is relieved when i tell her “you don’t have to go to college” or “mum and dad are find, they send their love” but it doesn’t stick....

doing chores for the staff like helping with calendars, easy but purposeful helped mum more, but she is so disruptive now.... i just have to hope they work on her meds faster...
 

Max68

Registered User
Aug 21, 2018
117
0
Sussex
@Max68 i am completely 100% with you, i think this is cruel and horrible and horrific for her, with my mum all her nightmares are coming true. she has lost her independence, she has lost contact with her family, she is trapped in nightmares of people going missing of dying. and she knows she is losing her mind.

selfishly, i don’t want to be there for this. i don’t want to support her, i don’t want to hear her whine and sob and tell me paranoid fantasies. it’s all the worst aspects of my mum and it’s really triggering the bad aspects of our relationship. i have to actively remind myself of who my mum really was.

mum hates the activities too, jigsaw puzzles (easy 100-300 piece ones) are a good thing for her now. as is knitting apparently. though i’ve never seen her do it. she used to do it automatically, so maybe it comes to her sometimes.

but mostly she is so distressed and so busy fighting the flow of the nursing home.... i don’t mind lying to her, but when her fantasy is that all her family has been murdered and it’s distressing her yeah, i’m not going to go with that! she is relieved when i tell her “you don’t have to go to college” or “mum and dad are find, they send their love” but it doesn’t stick....

doing chores for the staff like helping with calendars, easy but purposeful helped mum more, but she is so disruptive now.... i just have to hope they work on her meds faster...
Sounds so familiar and you have my complete sympathy and understanding. I was doing a bit of Christmas shopping today and yet all I can get for mum are biscuits and chocolates! Flowers seem to be a thing of the past in hospitals and care homes and golf, books, wine, trinkets and the like are a no no these days. We finally sold her house recently and took some of her favourite bits in but she looked at them like "what on earth are they bringing these in for?!"

It is so devastating and I completely sympathise with your second paragraph. It's not selfish at all, it's being realistic and looking after your mind and feelings which is important or you get dragged down with it. My sister and I now visit maybe once every fortnight. It used to be every few days with me but in many ways, and it's horrible to say, but it's pointless., I love seeing mum, but I hate seeing mum, if that makes any sense? To see a woman who I never saw cry for 50 odd years now continuously sobbing is crushing. Heart breaking isn't even the word, it's soul destroying with no light at all. To actually hope that she will go peacefully in her sleep is a devastating "thought" to have for a parent but to see a shadow of the person she once was even she wouldn't want this.
 

lushr

Registered User
Sep 25, 2020
124
0
Sounds so familiar and you have my complete sympathy and understanding. I was doing a bit of Christmas shopping today and yet all I can get for mum are biscuits and chocolates! Flowers seem to be a thing of the past in hospitals and care homes and golf, books, wine, trinkets and the like are a no no these days. We finally sold her house recently and took some of her favourite bits in but she looked at them like "what on earth are they bringing these in for?!"

It is so devastating and I completely sympathise with your second paragraph. It's not selfish at all, it's being realistic and looking after your mind and feelings which is important or you get dragged down with it. My sister and I now visit maybe once every fortnight. It used to be every few days with me but in many ways, and it's horrible to say, but it's pointless., I love seeing mum, but I hate seeing mum, if that makes any sense? To see a woman who I never saw cry for 50 odd years now continuously sobbing is crushing. Heart breaking isn't even the word, it's soul destroying with no light at all. To actually hope that she will go peacefully in her sleep is a devastating "thought" to have for a parent but to see a shadow of the person she once was even she wouldn't want this.
@max I hope things are ok for you this Christmas break. I have just cut ties I’ve been reading up on how to deal with the guilt it’s just something I have to do.

I really hope they amend the laws regarding right to die and dementia. In my state you can choose to die if you have a terminal disease that will kill you in six months. What if you have a terminal disease that will rob you of your ability to choose?
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
1,374
0
High Peak
@max I hope things are ok for you this Christmas break. I have just cut ties I’ve been reading up on how to deal with the guilt it’s just something I have to do.

I really hope they amend the laws regarding right to die and dementia. In my state you can choose to die if you have a terminal disease that will kill you in six months. What if you have a terminal disease that will rob you of your ability to choose?
I really understand these feelings. My mum didn't cry, in fact I don't think I ever saw her cry in my life. But she had to suddenly move to a care home after a fall which caused her dementia to escalate massively. The last 3 years of her life there were truly awful. She was constantly paranoid, bewildered, delusional. Her confabulations usually involved her being attacked, robbed, sexually assaulted, etc, and she frequently believed her mother/father/children had been brutally murdered or in terrible accidents. She had no interest in anything, would not mix, for 3 years she stayed almost entirely in her room, except for the nights when she would run round, banging on doors, going in rooms and upsetting people, lashing out at carers, etc etc.

She died in November 2019 and thank goodness. When I look back now I feel so angry that she was made to endure 3 years of total madness and everything that brings. It was shocking, distressing and traumatic to witness. I visited her every week but hated it - each and every time. Maybe someone can tell me why it was good that she lasted as long as she did or that she had some quality of life those last 3 years. I would say she had none. It was also her worst nightmare to end up like that (her mother had dementia - what hope for me??) and for years made me promise I would shoot her if she did... If matricide was legal I would not have hesitated to end her suffering, because that's what it was, each and every day.

(Sorry if this post causes offence.)
 

lollyc

Registered User
Sep 9, 2020
212
0
I really understand these feelings. My mum didn't cry, in fact I don't think I ever saw her cry in my life. But she had to suddenly move to a care home after a fall which caused her dementia to escalate massively. The last 3 years of her life there were truly awful. She was constantly paranoid, bewildered, delusional. Her confabulations usually involved her being attacked, robbed, sexually assaulted, etc, and she frequently believed her mother/father/children had been brutally murdered or in terrible accidents. She had no interest in anything, would not mix, for 3 years she stayed almost entirely in her room, except for the nights when she would run round, banging on doors, going in rooms and upsetting people, lashing out at carers, etc etc.

She died in November 2019 and thank goodness. When I look back now I feel so angry that she was made to endure 3 years of total madness and everything that brings. It was shocking, distressing and traumatic to witness. I visited her every week but hated it - each and every time. Maybe someone can tell me why it was good that she lasted as long as she did or that she had some quality of life those last 3 years. I would say she had none. It was also her worst nightmare to end up like that (her mother had dementia - what hope for me??) and for years made me promise I would shoot her if she did... If matricide was legal I would not have hesitated to end her suffering, because that's what it was, each and every day.

(Sorry if this post causes offence.)
Certainly not offended, with you all the way. This is not life, it is an existence. I frequently say that I would not, quite rightly, be allowed to put my dog through this, yet it is considered acceptable for Mum to endure. My mother would be horrified if she could see what she has become, and all I can hope is that she dies in her sleep before she becomes, in her own words, a vegetable.
I hope that when my time comes I have the wit to take my own life, or that euthanasia has been legalised, but I don't hold out much hope on either score.
For those who are shocked by this attitiude, I would say that you are welcome to your own opinion, of course. And welcome to endure until the bitter end, if that is your choice. Just please don't make your choice mine.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
1,408
0
No offence or shock from me. If we can't be honest here, where can we? Had I been able to give mum a peaceful ending and spare her all the horrors and indignities of the last few years, and whatever is still to come, I hope I would not have hesitated. I cling on to the hope that, as her dementia progresses, she becomes less aware and more content. I would willingly sacrifice her knowing who I was for her that.
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
1,374
0
High Peak
That's why I get so annoyed when I see the posters of smiling old ladies and beaming carers, talking about 'living well with dementia'. How can you live well with a progressive, terminal disease that robs you of both your sanity and your dignity? My mother was unable to 'live well' with it at any point, even in the early stages she was angry, confused and paranoid.

Yes, it is a cruel disease but - in my opinion - much more cruel to make someone endure it to the bitter end.
 

lushr

Registered User
Sep 25, 2020
124
0
yeah it’s a complicated issue. there’s reasons the laws haven’t or won’t change, but this is a very painful disease for the whole family.

im glad we are able to support each other here too. i just hope like you, that i have the right to choose.

i am scared of getting alzheimer’s too, so...
* i am learning languages on duolingo
* i play guitar and keep learning new skills
* i am working on having a social life, they say this is crucial, so i need a network which will last me beyond my retirement. (i have no family)
* i am seeing a psychologist to work on my depression and rumination (repetitive worrying thoughts) that frozen feeling like i can’t do anything....

i also play several different games on my ipad to keep me engaged but duolingo by far uses the most brain cells!
 

lollyc

Registered User
Sep 9, 2020
212
0
yeah it’s a complicated issue. there’s reasons the laws haven’t or won’t change, but this is a very painful disease for the whole family.

im glad we are able to support each other here too. i just hope like you, that i have the right to choose.

i am scared of getting alzheimer’s too, so...
* i am learning languages on duolingo
* i play guitar and keep learning new skills
* i am working on having a social life, they say this is crucial, so i need a network which will last me beyond my retirement. (i have no family)
* i am seeing a psychologist to work on my depression and rumination (repetitive worrying thoughts) that frozen feeling like i can’t do anything....

i also play several different games on my ipad to keep me engaged but duolingo by far uses the most brain cells!
I'd love to have a social life, or even a life, but I'm full time carer for Mum.

Mum had a great social life, was very active in community groups, did crosswords and quizzes, was well read, and educated, and was always good at languages. To be frank, it did ****** all for her!

Incidentally, if learning another language is such a good preventative, how come the Scandi countries aren't immune. They speak English better than many of us!

Unfortunately, I think we know so little about what causes dementias, it's very difficult to predict what might prevent it.
 

lushr

Registered User
Sep 25, 2020
124
0
hi @lollyc sorry if i upset you.

with my mum, her alzheimer’s is really unsurprising she got in a rut and her depression ruled her. she could speak three languages but wasn’t actively challenging herself or socialising, her fear ruled her life. she spent most days playing solitaire on the computer.

but she was brilliant in her younger years. retirement didn’t do her many favours. so i’m just looking for ways to not follow in her footsteps.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
14,980
0
South coast
with my mum, her alzheimer’s is really unsurprising she got in a rut and her depression ruled her. she could speak three languages but wasn’t actively challenging herself or socialising, her fear ruled her life. she spent most days playing solitaire on the computer.
Was it that not keeping herself active lead to her dementia, or was it that her emerging dementia led to her fear and apathy?
Researchers now think that dementia starts many years before diagnosis.
 

Max68

Registered User
Aug 21, 2018
117
0
Sussex
It's so difficult to join the dots on what the cause is for this terrible disease. I note that a lot of creative intelligent creative people have suffered with it but I am sure that it affects people with less intelligence and creativity as well. However it does interest me how people whose brains are the essence of their work can get struck down. Actors and actresses like Barbara Windsor who rely on their brains to remember lines or comedians like Robin Williams whose brain must have been bursting with creativity and wired differently to your average joe! Was watching the programme on Billy Connolly last night and again a comedian with an incredible memory and a creative brain now being affected by Parkinson's disease.

Re some of the posts above it does indeed seem cruel that we keep people alive despite suffering with this cruel disease. I must confess I find it slightly strange that mum is still on medications for her physical illnesses like atrial fibrillation so it's almost like the point is just keep people alive for the sake of it despite not having much of a life to enjoy! In her LPA mum stated that if she had a physical illness that she wouldn't recover from her wishes were to decline treatment but she has a mental illness that she will not recover from and it is bizarrely treated differently.

The difficulty is once a decision has been legally made re capacity that's it. Even at Dignitas in Switzerland you have to have capacity to sign and make the decision yourself and to take the drink yourself . I saw an awfully sad interview last year with a man who had been diagnosed with dementia and was taking himself off to Dignitas months, possibly years before he got to the stage where he had no life but he said he had no choice because at that point in time was when he still had the mental capacity to make the decision for himself and that is heart-breaking. There must be so many legal issues from capacity to inheritance to consider when making such a decision to make sure others do not get into severe trouble..

On a lighter note I saw mum on Christmas Eve and with the rapid Covid tests we were once again able to give her a hug. A few tears but in the right places if you get my meaning! You can tell she hates it though and it's awful to see but what choice is there!!
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
1,408
0
Good to see you were able to hug your mum on Christmas Eve. I had a visit to my mum on Christmas Eve too after a test and was allowed to hug. No chaperone carer either (which I wouldn't have minded to be honest, as things can change from ok to not ok pretty quickly!). Mum was a bit overcome I think and tearful, although enjoyed her presents. I had to call the manager from my mobile to say that mum had had enough after 15 minutes, but it could have been a lot worse and I'm glad I went.
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,633
0
It's so difficult to join the dots on what the cause is for this terrible disease. I note that a lot of creative intelligent creative people have suffered with it but I am sure that it affects people with less intelligence and creativity as well. However it does interest me how people whose brains are the essence of their work can get struck down. Actors and actresses like Barbara Windsor who rely on their brains to remember lines or comedians like Robin Williams whose brain must have been bursting with creativity and wired differently to your average joe! Was watching the programme on Billy Connolly last night and again a comedian with an incredible memory and a creative brain now being affected by Parkinson's disease.

Re some of the posts above it does indeed seem cruel that we keep people alive despite suffering with this cruel disease. I must confess I find it slightly strange that mum is still on medications for her physical illnesses like atrial fibrillation so it's almost like the point is just keep people alive for the sake of it despite not having much of a life to enjoy! In her LPA mum stated that if she had a physical illness that she wouldn't recover from her wishes were to decline treatment but she has a mental illness that she will not recover from and it is bizarrely treated differently.

The difficulty is once a decision has been legally made re capacity that's it. Even at Dignitas in Switzerland you have to have capacity to sign and make the decision yourself and to take the drink yourself . I saw an awfully sad interview last year with a man who had been diagnosed with dementia and was taking himself off to Dignitas months, possibly years before he got to the stage where he had no life but he said he had no choice because at that point in time was when he still had the mental capacity to make the decision for himself and that is heart-breaking. There must be so many legal issues from capacity to inheritance to consider when making such a decision to make sure others do not get into severe trouble..

On a lighter note I saw mum on Christmas Eve and with the rapid Covid tests we were once again able to give her a hug. A few tears but in the right places if you get my meaning! You can tell she hates it though and it's awful to see but what choice is there!!
Very interested in your post. Several years ago there was an article in new scientist by an anthropologist working with a team of researchers in USA into dementia. She said that no causes had been found, only lots of theories as we know, but her belief was simply that some brains wear out faster than others, I found that comforting as my late husband really lived life in the brain fast lane ...
Warmest this is such a good thread, thank you. Kindred
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
1,374
0
High Peak
Very interested in your post. Several years ago there was an article in new scientist by an anthropologist working with a team of researchers in USA into dementia. She said that no causes had been found, only lots of theories as we know, but her belief was simply that some brains wear out faster than others, I found that comforting as my late husband really lived life in the brain fast lane ...
Warmest this is such a good thread, thank you. Kindred
That's very interesting. I've often wondered myself if it's simply the brain wearing out or no longer functioning as well as when we were younger. All our other organs wear out - and some actually fail - so why should it be any different for the brain?
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,633
0
That's very interesting. I've often wondered myself if it's simply the brain wearing out or no longer functioning as well as when we were younger. All our other organs wear out - and some actually fail - so why should it be any different for the brain?
Thank you, I do agree. It’s the only thing that makes sense to me. Warmest, kindred
 

Max68

Registered User
Aug 21, 2018
117
0
Sussex
Good to see you were able to hug your mum on Christmas Eve. I had a visit to my mum on Christmas Eve too after a test and was allowed to hug. No chaperone carer either (which I wouldn't have minded to be honest, as things can change from ok to not ok pretty quickly!). Mum was a bit overcome I think and tearful, although enjoyed her presents. I had to call the manager from my mobile to say that mum had had enough after 15 minutes, but it could have been a lot worse and I'm glad I went.

Aw thank you, and so pleased you managed a hug as well. Difficult what to buy them at Christmas isn't it? No point in my case now with book tokens, golf balls, something for the house or even wine so I just stick with chocolates and biscuits as I know that they will go!!
 

Max68

Registered User
Aug 21, 2018
117
0
Sussex
Very interested in your post. Several years ago there was an article in new scientist by an anthropologist working with a team of researchers in USA into dementia. She said that no causes had been found, only lots of theories as we know, but her belief was simply that some brains wear out faster than others, I found that comforting as my late husband really lived life in the brain fast lane ...
Warmest this is such a good thread, thank you. Kindred
Very good point actually. Mum was an engineer and a fabulous mathematician worked with Barnes Wallis of Dam Busters fame and she also designed the windows on Concorde so certainly used her brain! If using your brain wears it out I'm probably safe!! You gotta laugh or you will go mad¬!
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,633
0
Very good point actually. Mum was an engineer and a fabulous mathematician worked with Barnes Wallis of Dam Busters fame and she also designed the windows on Concorde so certainly used her brain! If using your brain wears it out I'm probably safe!! You gotta laugh or you will go mad¬!
Yes of course. I have tracked down the anthropologist I mentioned. If you google margaret lock 2014 the Alzheimer’s conundrum u tube you can see her interviewed, it’s tough and a very different perspective. Well worth a look. It’s not that using the brain wears it out, just some brains are kind of predestined to go early.
Warmest, Kindred
 

Max68

Registered User
Aug 21, 2018
117
0
Sussex
Yes of course. I have tracked down the anthropologist I mentioned. If you google margaret lock 2014 the Alzheimer’s conundrum u tube you can see her interviewed, it’s tough and a very different perspective. Well worth a look. It’s not that using the brain wears it out, just some brains are kind of predestined to go early.
Warmest, Kindred
Thank you I will take a look. Always wondered if it could be genetic too as mum's sister developed it 10 years earlier and died two years ago. Her mum died in her 60's from a stroke so may well have developed dementia had she survived, who knows.