1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. soozieann

    soozieann Registered User

    Dec 7, 2005
    20
    Wallington
    Hello Everyone,

    I haven't been on this site for a while, but thought I'd like to let you all know that my mother aged 92,passed away on 13th March.

    It was the end of a painful and exhausting part of our lives together. I cannot say I am sorry because we both needed to move on with our lives, but I do miss the mum I used to have but lost to this dreadful dementia. I just pray she is happy and at peace and her real self now, wherever she is in the universe.

    Mum had been in residential care for three weeks and was begining to settle in. When I saw her on the third week, she was suffering from yet another bout of UTI and conjunctavitus. Because she could not see well, she thought the whole world was going blind and worried especially about my son and how he would cope. It was very distressing and I tried to convince her that this wasn't so, but she had an eye infection and wasn't very well. She slept most of the time I was there and said she wasn't tired but was weary. It was then I knew that her time with us was running out and she wanted to be somewhere else.

    She went into a hypoglyceamic coma on the Sunday and was admitted to hospital. On the Thursday I finally convinced the doctor that to give her glucose was cruel as she was ready to pass away, and this was prolonging the agony for all of us. She agreed and Mum passed away the following Monday. It was amazing she didn't go before, I suppose she just needed to wind down in her own time.

    I was with her when she passed away. Due to the shortage of beds, Mum was in the strokes unit, which was such a blessing as they gave her a room on her own and waived visiting hours for me. This was such a benefit for us as I could sit with her and chant for her [ I am a Buddhist] as I held her hand.

    I have to tell you that it was a privilege and a very special thing to be with her as she left this life. It was very peaceful, just a little pain at the very end that lasted a second and she was gone. She had been unconcsious for a week almost.

    When I was visiting her the week before she died, she could hardly talk or move. I sat and held her hands, which squeezed mine strongly. She finally said [in a voice that was very deep and strange] that she had to get to the blue colour, line or light - I couldn't really make out which except for the word blue. I wonder if she could see something I couldn't. Has anyone else got any experiences of what the dying may see or experience as they pass from this life?

    Her funeral went amazingly well, we really gave her a good send off with as many of our family that could come. The ceremony was very beautiful and the vicar who conducted it [a woman named Sarah] was wonderful. I managed to read something about the eternity of life, before my voice broke up in tears.

    We gathered back at my house which was full of her favourite flowers- daffodils. We had photos of Mum up and opened bottles of champagne to drink a toast to a marvellous lady. Later we had fireworks, and when the rocket soared up, I really felt as if her life was free again.

    Many people didn't send flowers, but wanted to know what charity to send money to- I suggested the Alzheimer's Society. I really hope that awareness is raised with the TV programmes that were on recently. I didn't see any of them, it was just too soon for me to handle, but I hope as Tony Robinson had the courage to make the programme about his mother, that the Government really looks at the way elderly people are treated in this country, and how many hoops we all have to jump through in order to give them what they need and deserve.

    Sorry, this message seems very jumbled and long, I just wanted to touch base with you all again.

    Thank you all for your wonderful support. I am so glad you were here when I needed you. I wish you and your loved ones well.

    Very best wishes,
    Soozieann
    x
     
  2. maria29al

    maria29al Registered User

    Mar 15, 2006
    426
    Warwickshire
    Hello.
    I am so sorry to hear about your Mum but from your message her passing sounded really peaceful.
    She will certainly be free from all pain and confusion now.
    I am glad this site was a comfort to you through the hard times.
    She will still be around for you if you need her (well, that is what I believe).

    You take care.

    Lots of love and hugs

    Marion
    x
     
  3. Stimpfig

    Stimpfig Registered User

    Oct 15, 2005
    135
    Germany/India
    Hi Soozieann

    What a lovely post - brought tears to my eyes. Please accept my condolences .

    Just wondered if you had read books by Elizabeth K├╝bler Ross
    www.elisabethkublerross.com/pages/books.html
    and other books such as Life after Life and Life after Death .
     
  4. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Hi Soozine, thank you for sharing your last days with your mum with all of us.

    Such an uplifting post, but still we feel for you. Take good care of yourself now.

    Love Connie
     
  5. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    3,433
    Suffolk,England
    Hi Soozieann,
    thank you for letting us know that your mum's illness, and the awful distress with it, is over and that you can all move on to better things. Of course you will miss Mum but, as you say, the Mum you really knew has been gone for some time now. Get out some photo albums of better times, to dispel the more recent painful images. I'm sure that's what she would want you to do now.
     
  6. rummy

    rummy Registered User

    Jul 15, 2005
    700
    Oklahoma,USA
    Hi Souzieann,
    I am so sorry for your loss but happy that your Mom's suffering is over. Your story touched my heart. I just read a wonderful book written by a hospice nurse about her experiences with her patients at the end of their lives. It is called " Final Gifts" . I think it would bring you alot of comfort as she talks alot about the things that people see and say at the end that indicate they are going on to a better place.
    Thanks for sharing your experience and take care as you adjust to this change in your life.
    Debbie
     
  7. Kathleen

    Kathleen Registered User

    Mar 12, 2005
    639
    West Sussex
    Hello Souzieann

    I echo the others in my sorrow for your loss of your Mum and glad she is now reunited with her memories and looking down on you. My Mum has AD too and a few years ago my youngest, aged 4 then, asked her where her memories had gone, Mum said "God has them and he had better give them back when I get to Heaven!"

    My Nan in the last few hours of her life, sleepy with morphine, looked past me and smiled the most fantastic smile as she reached out her hand to something or someone only she could see, that is a memory 10 years on that always gives me comfort that there is more to death than dying, if you see what I mean.

    Look after yourself,

    Kathleen
     
  8. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    Hi Souzieann

    Sorry to hear about your mother passing

    What a beautiful idea when you said



     
  9. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    2,259
    West Sussex
    Dear Suzieann, just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss, your Mum was obviously a very lovely lady. We too filled the house (and garden) with my Mums favourite flowers and played her favourite tunes after the funeral. As she was leaving, my Mun looked towards the french windows, kind of went oh and smiled. I swear my Dad came for her. She had been singing quietly along to Vera Lynne an hour or so before. Little Sir Echo, but all she was singing was hello, maybe she really was doing just that? Regardless of what you believe, Being with a loved one when they pass on is the last thing you can do for them. You did that for your Mum, be at peace with yourself and think of the good times you shared with her now. You will never forget her, but the sadness doesget easier to bear. My Mum will have been gone 2 years in July. I still talk to her, I can still get an answer too, from the pool of knowledge she gave to me. You will be the same. Thinking of you, love She. XX
     
  10. widget

    widget Registered User

    Jul 18, 2005
    44
    Lincs
    Hi Soozieann
    I just wanted to say that i am thinking about you and am very sad for the loss of your Mum. You were obviously close, and i think you'll look back in the future and be so glad that you were with her in her last moments. My lovely Nan died 3 years ago next month and i was there with my Mum, holding her hands when she passed. I look back on it sometimes and it gives me great comfort to think that she was with her loved ones at a time which could have been such a lonely one for many people. I also still talk to her and smile at her photos...! Recently I bought one of those picture frames which have spaces for lots of photos and put together a collection of pictures of my nan and grandad with me as a kid and later my own kids. Most of the photos were taken in a pub they ran until my grandad died when i was 4. I like to think they they are now together serving pints of Banks's and Grey Peas (black country 'gray payze') at the George and Dragon in the sky. Strange how the mind works eh?
    Take care Soozieann, we're thinking of you.

    xx
     
  11. soozieann

    soozieann Registered User

    Dec 7, 2005
    20
    Wallington
    Thanks for all your lovely messages

    Thanks to all of you for the messages that you have sent me- my heart is really touched by you all.

    Mum was a lovely lady and I have fantastic memories of her of when I was young. We didn't get on too well when I was a teenager!! But managed to put that right at the latter stages of her life.

    She was a wonderfully loving grandma as well, and is loved and missed by all her grandchildren and greatgrandchildren.

    Thanks for the book recommendations - I will certainly read them both.

    For the first week or so I felt Mum was confused and sort of lost, but this last week I really feel she is happy, peaceful and has a great big life instead of her tiny, sad one she had when she died.

    I had the most amazing experience the other day in my local park. I was walking the dog, and had just let her off the lead. The spring flowers were so beautiful and suddenly I felt completely surrounded by Mum's love - I walked through the park with tears of happiness in my eyes. The experience only last a few seconds, a minute at most- but what a feeling!!!


    Love to you all
    Soozieann
    xxx:)
     
  12. jarnee

    jarnee Registered User

    Mar 18, 2006
    181
    leicestershire
    Hi

    My sincerest sympathy to you.

    My mum died on March 7th and I wanted to let you know of our experiences in the day or two before.....
    On the Sunday evening ( the last night she was really concious) she asked the nurse in the hospice...
    "Who's that man ? He comes here alot. Can you see him?"
    The nurse replied, "No."
    Mum: "IS it my dad?"
    Mum's father had died when she was 16 !!

    When the nurse told me this I was so very touched. The nurse also said, "We get alot of that in here", meaning people saying things like mum was.

    On the Tuesday morning, in the last few hours before she died, she was slipping in out and of consciousness. When she 'woke', she would look straight past us and kept saying, "oh" (She found it difficult to speak at all)
    Eventually, I said to her, "Can you see your dad? If you can, go to him. He's waiting for you. We are here and he's there....you will never be alone. Is it your dad you can see?"
    Her reply shocked me ....she said "No, my mum."....and she tried to smile.

    Those were her last ever words. Her mother died ten years ago

    It was too real to ignore.

    I now care for my dad, who has AD and, as he no longer has mum to look after him has has gone into a lovely residential home.

    Take care, soozieann.
    X
     
  13. rummy

    rummy Registered User

    Jul 15, 2005
    700
    Oklahoma,USA
    Jarnee,
    I still have goose bumps from reading your post! I read the book "Final Gifts" by a hospice nurse that talks about the experiences she has had, like yours, with her patients. What a beautiful ending to a loved ones life. Thanks for sharing.
    Debbie
     
  14. jarnee

    jarnee Registered User

    Mar 18, 2006
    181
    leicestershire
    Thanks, Rummy,

    I think I will try that book.....though I might need windscreen wipers on the INSIDE of my reading glasses, if you know what mean ;)

    Jarnee
    x
     
  15. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    4,348
    Birmingham Hades
    Hi Jarnie
    what a wonderful experience for you ,but so sad,I was deeply touched by it.
    Norman
     
  16. rummy

    rummy Registered User

    Jul 15, 2005
    700
    Oklahoma,USA
    Jarnee,
    I think you will find it very uplifting and comforting. I have already passed it onto a friend who lost her Dad and she has now passed it on to others. It is well worth reading. Take care,
    Debbie
     

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