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Mum passed away on the 18th June 2015

allend100

Registered User
Jul 11, 2011
48
Leicestershire
Mum finally lost her 12 year battle with dementia on the 18th June 2015 with family at her bedside. Thankfully a peaceful end. Mixed up in my grief that I have lost mum is a feeling of relief for Mum that she no longer needs to fight and is no longer in the care home where although mostly comfortable, was against what this beautiful lady wanted. We cared for her at home until the last 3 years of life when it became to difficult and unsafe to manage her needs. I'm sure over the next months there will be times when my guilt will become overwhelming, for the time she spent in the care home and my internal battle with the sense of relief that the suffering, for her, is over. Many people thinking they are being kind suggesting that I lost mum many years ago to the dementia but it's not true, she was sometimes hard to find but on most visits there was a moment, a smile, a raised eyebrow or even the odd word that made the time I spent visiting worth every second and showed us she was still there. And at the end, when all the pain of dementia was gone, I was able to see her again, my Mum.
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
60,943
68
Dundee
I'm so sorry to read about your mum. I'm glad she is at peace now. Wishing you strength.
 

LYN T

Registered User
Aug 30, 2012
6,960
Brixham Devon
Times are tough for you allend- not helped by the comments that people make how ever well meaning.

I hope you find the strength from somewhere to cope.

Love

Lyn T XX
 

cragmaid

Registered User
Oct 18, 2010
7,941
North East England
Hi , Some unthinking people will look at you and wonder how, 6 weeks on from her death, you are still grieving for your Mum. Not here!! We understand that death might bring a physical end to the patient's suffering but the scars of the bad effects of Dementia can run deep.
I really hope that you can reach a stage where the smiles outweigh the tears and the happy memories of your childhood can balance out the sad ones of your time as a carer.
Look after yourself....Maureen.x.
 

stanleypj

Registered User
Dec 8, 2011
10,707
North West
So sorry to hear your sad news but I think many on TP will be able to relate to your comments about the signs we get, if we are (comparatively) lucky, that the person we love is 'still there'. You've put this very movingly. Thank you.
 

Acco

Registered User
Oct 3, 2011
228
When people are so caring and do their utmost to ensure their loved ones receive the best care and attention, as clearly you are and have done, we do tend to question ourselves as we always look for perfection. Rest assured your mum would have known and fully appreciated what you have done for her, sometimes under very difficult and trying times I am sure. My condolences and hope that as time passes you will remember all those wonderful moments you spent together and the small but significant reactions you received from her and any feeling of guilt you have ceases.
 

CCM2013

Registered User
Feb 7, 2013
32
London
Dear Allend
Sending lots of positive thoughts your way, what a desperately sad time it is when we lose a parent. It will be 3 months on weds since my dad died and I miss him more than ever.
All my sympathies and wishing u strength for times ahead. X


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
 

Saffie

Registered User
Mar 26, 2011
22,506
Near Southampton
I'm so sorry that your lovely mother has left you but she has also left her suffering behind too though I know this is of little consolation to you at this time.
It is hurtful when others say that someone has been lost to us some time ago. It's as if they think that makes the death less painful but I know it doesn't.
When we lose our loved ones, I think they straight away become the people we knew before the dementia and we grieve for both their deaths and for the suffering they have experienced. Please accept my condolences. x
 

Effy

Registered User
Jul 26, 2015
11
Northern Ireland
I am so sorry about your mum's passing. When everything else is stripped away, there is only love and you clearly displayed that love right up to the end.


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
 

mackie

Registered User
Feb 9, 2015
29
I'm sorry to hear your news. People do mean to be kind but I had someone say to me recently that it must have been a relief for Mum to pass away. I had to kindly remind her that even though Mum had this dreadful disease, she responded to both my Dad and myself being there and there were moments which I will never forget. Take care of yourself. xx
 

allend100

Registered User
Jul 11, 2011
48
Leicestershire
Thank you

I wanted to say thank you for your kind comments. It's a great comfort when you know sentiments come from people who have experienced the same, not just the death of a loved one but also seeing (what seems endless at the time) a loved one struggle for so long. I'm interested to see your differing views on bereavement counselling. I have contact details at home but just don't think it's the right time. I was given 5 days compassionate leave from work (nowhere near long enough to sort everything out) but then came back, as long as no-one is nice to me I just about get through the days but it's very strange not to be on the end of calls or running out to meet the doctors or going to say goodnight every evening. The practical things to sort feel endless at the moment so I'm able to bury myself in things which still make me feel useful, I guess that will stop eventually and the reality will come home. One day at a time for me though.
 

Gigglemore

Registered User
Oct 18, 2013
526
British Isles
So sorry for the loss of your mum. Wishing you strength to get through the painful times ahead, hope the memory of her peaceful passing is a comfort to you. Take care.