Mum passed away on the 18th June 2015

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by allend100, Aug 3, 2015.

  1. allend100

    allend100 Registered User

    Jul 11, 2011
    Mum finally lost her 12 year battle with dementia on the 18th June 2015 with family at her bedside. Thankfully a peaceful end. Mixed up in my grief that I have lost mum is a feeling of relief for Mum that she no longer needs to fight and is no longer in the care home where although mostly comfortable, was against what this beautiful lady wanted. We cared for her at home until the last 3 years of life when it became to difficult and unsafe to manage her needs. I'm sure over the next months there will be times when my guilt will become overwhelming, for the time she spent in the care home and my internal battle with the sense of relief that the suffering, for her, is over. Many people thinking they are being kind suggesting that I lost mum many years ago to the dementia but it's not true, she was sometimes hard to find but on most visits there was a moment, a smile, a raised eyebrow or even the odd word that made the time I spent visiting worth every second and showed us she was still there. And at the end, when all the pain of dementia was gone, I was able to see her again, my Mum.
  2. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    I'm so sorry to read about your mum. I'm glad she is at peace now. Wishing you strength.
  3. patsy56

    patsy56 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2015
    Fife Scotland
    I too am so sorry, please pass on my condolences to your family.
  4. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    Brixham Devon
    Times are tough for you allend- not helped by the comments that people make how ever well meaning.

    I hope you find the strength from somewhere to cope.


    Lyn T XX
  5. cragmaid

    cragmaid Registered User

    Oct 18, 2010
    North East England
    Hi , Some unthinking people will look at you and wonder how, 6 weeks on from her death, you are still grieving for your Mum. Not here!! We understand that death might bring a physical end to the patient's suffering but the scars of the bad effects of Dementia can run deep.
    I really hope that you can reach a stage where the smiles outweigh the tears and the happy memories of your childhood can balance out the sad ones of your time as a carer.
    Look after yourself....Maureen.x.
  6. stanleypj

    stanleypj Registered User

    Dec 8, 2011
    North West
    So sorry to hear your sad news but I think many on TP will be able to relate to your comments about the signs we get, if we are (comparatively) lucky, that the person we love is 'still there'. You've put this very movingly. Thank you.
  7. Acco

    Acco Registered User

    Oct 3, 2011
    When people are so caring and do their utmost to ensure their loved ones receive the best care and attention, as clearly you are and have done, we do tend to question ourselves as we always look for perfection. Rest assured your mum would have known and fully appreciated what you have done for her, sometimes under very difficult and trying times I am sure. My condolences and hope that as time passes you will remember all those wonderful moments you spent together and the small but significant reactions you received from her and any feeling of guilt you have ceases.
  8. turbo

    turbo Registered User

    Aug 1, 2007
    Hello allend100, My sincere condolences on the death of your mum.
  9. CCM2013

    CCM2013 Registered User

    Feb 7, 2013
    Dear Allend
    Sending lots of positive thoughts your way, what a desperately sad time it is when we lose a parent. It will be 3 months on weds since my dad died and I miss him more than ever.
    All my sympathies and wishing u strength for times ahead. X

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  10. Saffie

    Saffie Registered User

    Mar 26, 2011
    Near Southampton
    I'm so sorry that your lovely mother has left you but she has also left her suffering behind too though I know this is of little consolation to you at this time.
    It is hurtful when others say that someone has been lost to us some time ago. It's as if they think that makes the death less painful but I know it doesn't.
    When we lose our loved ones, I think they straight away become the people we knew before the dementia and we grieve for both their deaths and for the suffering they have experienced. Please accept my condolences. x
  11. Effy

    Effy Registered User

    Jul 26, 2015
    Northern Ireland
    I am so sorry about your mum's passing. When everything else is stripped away, there is only love and you clearly displayed that love right up to the end.

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  12. mackie

    mackie Registered User

    Feb 9, 2015
    I'm sorry to hear your news. People do mean to be kind but I had someone say to me recently that it must have been a relief for Mum to pass away. I had to kindly remind her that even though Mum had this dreadful disease, she responded to both my Dad and myself being there and there were moments which I will never forget. Take care of yourself. xx
  13. allend100

    allend100 Registered User

    Jul 11, 2011
    Thank you

    I wanted to say thank you for your kind comments. It's a great comfort when you know sentiments come from people who have experienced the same, not just the death of a loved one but also seeing (what seems endless at the time) a loved one struggle for so long. I'm interested to see your differing views on bereavement counselling. I have contact details at home but just don't think it's the right time. I was given 5 days compassionate leave from work (nowhere near long enough to sort everything out) but then came back, as long as no-one is nice to me I just about get through the days but it's very strange not to be on the end of calls or running out to meet the doctors or going to say goodnight every evening. The practical things to sort feel endless at the moment so I'm able to bury myself in things which still make me feel useful, I guess that will stop eventually and the reality will come home. One day at a time for me though.
  14. Gigglemore

    Gigglemore Registered User

    Oct 18, 2013
    British Isles
    So sorry for the loss of your mum. Wishing you strength to get through the painful times ahead, hope the memory of her peaceful passing is a comfort to you. Take care.

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