Mum passed away 5 days ago - guilt and grief

Zoedou123

New member
Apr 15, 2022
4
0
My mum sadly passed away last Thursday after 10 years of this awful disease. She was 72. I’m not even sure why I’m posting maybe just to put things on paper. We have spent so long tending to mum, loving her, getting annoyed with her at times, and 100% did our very best in caring fir her until the end.
I was with her every day for the last week and would go home at night and my step dad would stay. She passed away at 4.15 in the morning and I missed her go.
Honestly I wanted it to be just my step dad with her alone but a part of me now feels guilt for leaving him alone and her despite him insisting I go and rest.
I’m now living in a bubble of what to do and although it was peaceful her final hours can’t get the images out my head of the discomfort she felt and the change in her the last week of her life.
I’m guessing this is normal stages of grief ?‍♀️I just want my energy back and to not miss her so much ?
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,443
0
Kent
Please accept my sympathy @Zoedou123 I`m so sorry.

I share with you the horrors of the final week. It will take time for you to come to terms with it so please be kind to yourself for as long as it takes.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
I am so sorry for your loss.

The physical changes that happen in the lead up to death can be harrowing if you are not expecting them (and most people arnt), but they will fade with time and other memories will return. It is all too raw at the moment - give yourself space to grieve.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
 

Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
2,015
0
Condolences on your loss. I found the last few days of my mother's life very distressing and felt that more should have been done to make her comfortable. The memories of those days have stayed with me for a long time but as we approach the five year anniversary of her death they have faded quite a lot.

I think that when somebody dies - of whatever illness - there are nearly always questions and what-ifs and regrets because death is final.
 

GillP

Registered User
Aug 11, 2021
3,855
0
Sincere condolences. Take good care of yourself during these difficult times.
 

karenbow

Registered User
May 24, 2021
106
0
i,m so very sorry for your loss, it is such an awful time to deal with , i missed my mum going too , i just live 15 mins away and like yourself i tried to do everything for mum but just needed a short rest at home ,the nursing home rang me i was there within minutes but too late, this was in october- i can only remember those last weeks of mums life with sadness and cry often because i miss her so much and it isn,t a rehearsal we only have one chance to do our best and i think guilt is one if the things most difficult to deal with - when i get upset now i try to think logically ,ask myself if i could have done things differently and yes there are always other ways but at the time we do what is best at that moment-it is really early for you and you are probably shocked at how this awful disease ended your mums life- someone told me we have to think about how much we loved our parents,all the good times , all the times we were there with them and helping when they needed it - we didn,t fail - you may also feel like you,re just drifting along , but days will come when you feel strong and you will smile take carexx
 

JennSymo542

Registered User
Nov 6, 2017
18
0
My mum sadly passed away last Thursday after 10 years of this awful disease. She was 72. I’m not even sure why I’m posting maybe just to put things on paper. We have spent so long tending to mum, loving her, getting annoyed with her at times, and 100% did our very best in caring fir her until the end.
I was with her every day for the last week and would go home at night and my step dad would stay. She passed away at 4.15 in the morning and I missed her go.
Honestly I wanted it to be just my step dad with her alone but a part of me now feels guilt for leaving him alone and her despite him insisting I go and rest.
I’m now living in a bubble of what to do and although it was peaceful her final hours can’t get the images out my head of the discomfort she felt and the change in her the last week of her life.
I’m guessing this is normal stages of grief ?‍♀️I just want my energy back and to not miss her so much ?

I am so sorry for your loss. You sound like you did everything right, and she will have appreciated that in her own way.
 

Mrs Humphrey

Registered User
May 14, 2021
71
0
My husband died 4 weeks ago in a care/nursing home and I am wracked with guilt and distress because I wasn't patient enough with him when he was at home with me. He was only formally diagnosed 18 months ago but I struggled to accept the way he was and cried every day I am sorry to say. I felt totally alone and frightened of the future. He was only in care for the last 16 weeks of his life mainly from the after effects of Covid which he contracted while being treated in hospital for a heart condition and then developed a severe delirium from which he went into a decline. I loved him so much and miss him so much but I regret not being patient or nice enough to handle the frustrations of his illness which compared to many people who write on this forum were mild but I struggled and it made me uptight and irritable. Like you I also cannot get the images of his final weeks out of my head and it hurts like a knife. So i send my love to you.
 

lollyc

Registered User
Sep 9, 2020
947
0
@Mrs Humphrey , I am sorry for the loss of your husband. I lost my lovely Mum in December, and I am still overwhelmed with the guilt of not being the perfect carer. I was not always kind and nice, and, to be honest, I no longer liked the person Mum had become. I can absolutely identify with everything you say - the loneliness, fear, and tears. To add to that guilt , I see Mum's friends (similar age to her), living their lives, and think "why not you, instead of her?" - although I would not wish this hideous disease on anyone.
Please try to be kind to yourself. Dealing with dementia is more challenging than we could ever have anticipated, and we are simply not equipped to deal with it.
I still cry most days. I am haunted by what Mum became, and I think it is the the disease, not her death, that I find so hard to cope with.
 

DreamsAreReal

Registered User
Oct 17, 2015
476
0
Totally agree with your last two paragraphs @lollyc ?

I feel so sad that Mum's last years were so hard and traumatic for her (and me), because of Dementia. The same goes for everybody on here. It's so cruel, what this disease does to people.

I used to read your posts about your Mum and wish I was more like you! I think the vast majority of us think other people are coping much better than we are, but in reality, they're probably not. You did a great job for your Mum, don't doubt yourself. ?
 

Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
5,393
0
Dorset
We all of us cope in whatever way we can, we all have different tipping points and our people with dementia are different too.
I didn’t live with The Banjoman so our trials and tribulations were much easier than so many who contribute to Talking Point but more complicated than others. When I signed the paperwork to agree to him moving from hospital to a residential care home I felt awful but then I remembered some of the things that had happened and common sense over ruled my feelings of guilt because I knew there was no way he could safely continue living at home by himself. All I could do after that was do my best to make sure he was well looked after in the care home.
 

Welsh lass

Registered User
Mar 4, 2016
7
0
My mum sadly passed away last Thursday after 10 years of this awful disease. She was 72. I’m not even sure why I’m posting maybe just to put things on paper. We have spent so long tending to mum, loving her, getting annoyed with her at times, and 100% did our very best in caring fir her until the end.
I was with her every day for the last week and would go home at night and my step dad would stay. She passed away at 4.15 in the morning and I missed her go.
Honestly I wanted it to be just my step dad with her alone but a part of me now feels guilt for leaving him alone and her despite him insisting I go and rest.
I’m now living in a bubble of what to do and although it was peaceful her final hours can’t get the images out my head of the discomfort she felt and the change in her the last week of her life.
I’m guessing this is normal stages of grief ?‍♀️I just want my energy back and to not miss her so much ?
This is a very late response to your post and perhaps you are not in need of this but just in case.... My husband had Alzheimer's and passed away 5 years ago. I broke my leg the day he was taken into hospital with a chest infection. I was there 24/ 7 for 6 days but I was in a lot of physical pain and very tired. On the 7th night my son suggested I go home to have a little rest. Little did I know that he would pass away in the early hours of the morning when I was not there. My son and his wife had stayed and were with him holding his hand when he passed. I felt so guilty and kept reliving his last months and the last week for a very long time. It was very traumatic and with hindsight I believe it was a form of PTSD. I should have got help earlier. I was blessed to have a son and daughter in law who supported me and were very patient with the time it took for me to come to terms with it all. I still miss my husband but the vivid unsolicited recall of events has now passed.
Your mother would wish your life to go on happily. Do not feel guilty about having fun or just doing some very ordinary things... little by little and small steps is the way to go and not to expect too much of yourself even when others have moved on. I hope you have someone to keep on talking to about your mum how you feel but If the images continue seek some help either from your GP or a counsellor.
Know that you have done all you could for your mum and how and when she passed was out of your control. She would want you to have happy memories and telling your story about those is very important. I hope they encourage you to be grateful for the years you had with your mum and you continue to have the happy life that would please her.