Mum on strike Christmas day!

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Cate, Dec 29, 2006.

  1. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    1,370
    Newport, Gwent
    Having agonised, and gone through that many sleepless nights, I have lost count, about not having mum home for Christmas day on the advice of the NH staff. (This was the first Christmas in 33 years I have not cooked Christmas lunch for her).

    The day before Christmas Eve they had a party at the NH. Mum had a fine time, singing along to 40’s music, reminiscing with the others about RAF dances she used to go to with my dad.

    All the family made sure all her presents were delivered in time for Christmas Eve, she had dozens. Once the residents were asleep they were put under the tree ready for the morning.

    Christmas morning, mum flatly refused a glass of Sherry to toast the day (unheard of!!), she did however enjoy several glasses of wine with her lunch!

    When the staff gave out the presents, mum totally refused all hers, telling the staff to take them to her room, and that as soon as I showed up, I was to be given the whole lot, as they are, unwrapped!!

    My brother, my niece, her husband and the children visited yesterday, not a word was mentioned about the presents, or anything else.

    Obviously mum is saving this little treat for me. Just in case the old guilt monster had slipped a bit, mum is making sure he is firmly back up there around my neck ready to strangle the life out of me.

    Sorry to moan, but just needed to share that. :(

    Cate
     
  2. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    Oh Cate ....

    Amazing what mums do, isn't it? Hope you don't mind me smiling when I read your account of that obviously indomitable spirit! How they can be as they are and yet still somehow have the capacity to pull every emotional trigger? (Knowingly or not!) ... or maybe it's because they are as they are ......:confused:

    Could it be she thought the presents were for you? :)

    Love, Karen, x
     
  3. alex

    alex Registered User

    Apr 10, 2006
    1,665
    Hiya Cate

    Mums seem to have a lot more experience of emotional blackmail..........they know where the heart strings are and how hard to pull...............glad you enjoyed your xmas day with your son...............don't let anything spoil that!

    Keep your chin up and face it head-on............you know its gonna come!:)

    Good luck hon
    Love Alex x
     
  4. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    1,370
    Newport, Gwent
    Thanks girls,

    No Karen, she knows they were for her, its her loaded gun, the emotional blackmail, she is REALLY good at it where I am concerned.

    When I talk to the staff they tell me 'she's a little darling', I have to check we are talking about the same person, to me, 'she's daughters little demon'. God love her.
     
  5. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,439
    Cate, you don't think there's an element of too many/too much do you? My mother (who doesn't have control issues that I've noticed) simply can't cope with too much of anything (stuff, people, food etc) and will say "take them away"

    Jennifer
     
  6. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    I wonder what I'd do if I had to stay in such a place as I'd want to opt out too.

    Lila
     
  7. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    All I can is on that guilt feeling, your on a no win situation, all you can do is your best and it reads like you did xx
     
  8. DeborahBlythe

    DeborahBlythe Registered User

    Dec 1, 2006
    9,222
    Hello Cate, don't reproach yourself. 33 years is a very long innings for Christmas Day duties. Blimmin' 'eck!
    My mum has a a wondrous 'Don't disturb me, I'm rehearsing for my catafalque' expression many time when I am with her, then as soon as a carer comes into the room her face lights up with delight and gratitude and you'd think the clock had turned back forty years. The carer gets all the gratitude and wicked inadequate 'lil ole me gets something approaching contempt. Ah me. I still love her though.
    Your mum will forget her upset and probably react more like her old self in a little while. Ridiculous as it seems, there is actually a good side to dementia, because the upsets and troubles can get forgotten along with the good things. Tomorrow is another day, and who knows what it will bring. It won't necessarily be worse than Christmas Day though.
    x
     
  9. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    1,370
    Newport, Gwent
    Oh Deborah,

    You could have been talking about my mum, all smiles for the staff and all other friends and relatives, hugs, kisses etc. they agree she defo keeps all the bad bits for me. Mind you, she always has, I dont know why I thought Christmas would be any different, just hoping, but as you say, we love em anyway.

    Lila............what can I say except, before mum went 'in such a place', she was forgetting to eat most meals, stored food on a window sill because she thought it was colder than the fridge, therefore ate rancid food when she did remember.

    Was violent and aggressive towards myself and other family members and her carers. Would never take her medication, would not wash, dress, or open the curtains, it was like a cave.

    Would phone me dozens a times a day and throughout the night screming for help, I would then jump in my car and drive the 45 minutes to her house (sometimes at 3:00am or some other ungodly hour), to find she was not distressed, just wanted to see me for a chat! We went on like this for almost 3 years .................... all I can say is.............. thank God for 'such a place'.

    Mum is 150% better, she laughes, smiles, has gained weight, even has her hair done every week since moving into the NH. etc. She is now 10 minutes away from me, and yes I failed her by not having her home this Christmas.
     
  10. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #10 Margarita, Dec 29, 2006
    Last edited: Dec 29, 2006
    Amazing reading your story cate , similar to how my mother was , but not the phoning part, until I took over her full time care . my be your mother just feels resentment towards you , like my mother did towards me even thought you would think that she would have been more happy with me caring for her, Then going into a home oh no not my mother , I took every think away from her its all my fault ( as if !) , I now come to believe that is it is down to my mother having no logic, because of the disease .

    some people grow up, they stop believing in Father Christmas, as I cared for my mother I grow up even more and stop believing in guilt and have a better relationship with my mother now , but thats just my story .
     
  11. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    Cate, if you class that as failing ... God help me with where I'm at ...... what you've done for your mum over many years puts me in awe ....

    We all make judgements and decisions about allsorts which in hindsight we would change ... had the NH had that wonderful party on Christmas Day itself ... perhaps things would have been different ..... just strikes me as a little unfair they were happy to advise you in your decision making - but now it's you, of course, picking up the pieces....... ??????

    Love, Karen, x
     
  12. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    I'm glad you found a suitable home for your mother near you, it's just sad that there is so little consideration for those who would rather opt out of all or part of the festivities.
     

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